Sometimes it feels like everything I say is wrong and nothing I do is right. Sometimes it feels like I am lost. Lately that's every day. Yesterday I was flipping radio channels and I switched on the the local Christian channel. I hadn't listened to them in a long time. I left it there. My station is still sitting on that channel and this morning I changed my office radio to that same channel. I just need grounding. I need calm. I need God's love right now to balance me. When every part of my life is spinning and I am searching for direction I can always count on Him. He never fails me. People may let me down but God never does.
Life has a way of being way too complicated sometimes. People have expectations of me that I just can't meet, sometimes. Things start to stress me out and I start worrying. "What if's" start to rule my life. What if this project doesn't get done at work? What if that project doesn't get done at home? What if Derek Holland doesn't get healthy by the All-Star break? Yes, I worry about baseball. I'm a freak!
I can't control what others expect from me and I can't control what anyone else chooses to believe or do for me. The only thing I can control is myself. The truth is that I have enough hurt inside of me for ten people and I carry it around like a bundle of wounded flesh. Whenever anyone says anything it pops out and bleeds but at the same time there are a lot of insensitive jerks in the world who don't think before they open their mouths and I need to be tougher.
That's where God comes in. I need to lean on Him when I am feeling weak. I need to pull on His strength and pray for the people who hurt me. I need to find the will to want the people who are hateful or selfish to heal too. I want to be that Christian. I want to be that strong. I do.
Here is the problem, I am a red head, German-Hungarian-American-Indian, and there are just certain things that genetics can't change. I want to be calm and peaceful but there is no denying that there is some fire in my blood. When someone makes me angry praying isn't my first instinct. Over the years I have learned to take a walk and calm myself. This is my cooling off mechanism. This doesn't always go over well with people but it is my way of handling it and it works for me. I walk away and calm down so I don't say anything I will regret. Sometimes I even remember to pray and ask God for guidance. A lot of the time, actually I just say, 'help me, Lord,'.
It's hard to explain faith to people who have none and I don't really feel the need to defend my religion (I am a bad Catholic). However my faith in God is important to me as is my Catholicism, even though I am a little lacking lately. (Mostly do to the new-new mass but that's another blog for another time). There are things I can compromise on and things I will not and my faith I will not.
Simply,
Laura
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