Not the Mama

Sometimes I write here to share funny stuff. Sometimes silly. Today this blog is just for me because I don't know how else to express this.

I have been cleaning my closet today. Nothing earth shattering really. Boxing up a bunch of stuff to either take to storage or donate. I came across a small white bag. A forgotten gift from my best friend. Something she wanted me to have years ago that I had saved and completely forgotten about. Three of her daughters favorite baby outfits. She wanted me to have them because she couldn't wait to see them on my little girl.

I pulled them out one by one and gently buttoned and folded them thinking of a child that was never to be as the tears rolled down my face. I tried to get a grip. I told myself there is a reason. God has a plan and He knows better. I tried to walk away but the cloths just sat there, Calling to me.

Finally, I called my best friend to talk. I told her that I had the cloths and I wanted to offer them back to her now as a keepsake for her now 18 year old baby. I cried. She reminded me this is all normal and a part of the grief process even though I don't really know why I am grieving. I have never lost a child. I have never been pregnant. I am nobodies mother. I never will be, I guess. It just wasn't meant to be. Being 43 and realizing you are just too old to try isn't a happy place. How do you say goodbye to the only thing you ever remember wanting to be?

I wish so often I could go back. Live over and do over just to have a baby but we don't get to do that. I see people with their kids and wonder if they know how lucky they are that someone calls them "Mom". The one thing I always wanted to hear. The one thing I never will hear. I wish I knew what it felt like to feel my baby kick or be big and miserable and pregnant. I wish I knew all those miracles that only parents get to experience.

Who knows? Maybe I am too selfish. Maybe my migraines would keep me from being a good mom. Maybe I don't have what it takes to be anything but a great aunt or a fun friend. I don't understand any of it. I just know it hurts and it makes me sad and I don't know how else to say it. I'm not the mama and I never will be.



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