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Hey, it is almost Thanksgiving and I wanted to do what will probably be my last blog this week because, well, I am going to be cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the next 5 days.    

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I like 100 million other Facebook people, have been keeping up with a 30 days of Thankful status update.  Yippie!  Anyway, I thought it would be nice to share a few things I am really thankful for in no particular order.

*Friends who stick with me, by me, and around.   I posted to Facebook the other day that as I have gotten older, I find I have eliminated more and more 'Friends' from my life because they really and truly aren't friends.    I am glad for the ones I have left who text or call me or who I know I can text or call if I need something.  It is good to have a support system even when you don't need it too often.  

*My husband who isn't perfect.  WHAT?  I said he wasn't perfect....is that allowed?   No it is true.  What's more, neither am I.   Sweet Jesus the whole world will be shocked to know there is one couple who isn't actually perfect here on planet earth.   I know you can't tell from social media...oh wait, this is about being thankful, right?   Well I am truly thankful for him.  I am thankful that every once in a while he says things that truly surprise me like "I love those jeans on you" or "You look nice tonight." or "I am cooking dinner."  Yes, those things are rare but it makes me feel good when I hear them.   

*My family who I don't get to see enough but who I love with all my heart, especially my nieces and nephews.   They are the best. 

*My dogs and chickens who again, are not perfect, but who make me smile.

*My step-kid who drives me insane but makes me laugh when she isn't driving me insane.

*The Service Men and Woman who spend time, energy, and their life giving to us so that we can be free.   I think, given the recent world issues, it is imperative that we recognize the sacrifice that these brave men and women AND their families make for us.   Thank you every single one of you both those serving, those who served, and the families who love them because without you, not only would we all be speaking German right now but we would also all be subjects of radical Islam or some other crazy group of crazies.

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Alright some totally superficial things I am thankful for, ready?

My hair dryer.   

I could not live without you red.  You are my life.  Okay you are the life of my big Texas hair. 

My iPhone and iPad Mini:

Dear Siri, without you I could not communicate.  I would never get or send a text, buy stuff online, or read a book.  It is true.  I have forgotten how to function without you, sweet, wonderful, amazing Siri.  You complete me.  (Don't tell my hubs!)

Amazon: 

I mean, how wonderful is Amazon anyway?  You go online, search for what you are looking for, and 200 other things you don't need, click a button and they send it to your house or office.  If you have Amazon Prime they even ship it in like...2 days, and they give you free books and movies and oh, just so much wonderfulness, it makes my heart jump....right up until the time I have to pay off that credit card each month, but never mind that.

My Pickup:

What is big, orange, and eats gas?  My Ram.  I love it.  I really secretly call it Bevo but nobody but you and I know that.   When I was picking it out and they had only the "Copper" one on the lot, I thought to myself, this is mine.  I mean, I went to the University of Texas so it checks the box for owning an orange vehicle nicely, not that that was every on my bucket list but you can expand, right?

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My wish for all of you on Thanksgiving:

Alright back to some serious talk for a second.  We live in a world where we are being attacked from the inside and out and this year has been a hot mess.  I mean, some great things probably happened in 2015 but right now, I can't recall anything that wasn't just a mess from beginning to end starting with internal protesting over everything and anything and ending with internal and external terrorists.   Here is the thing people, all 12 of you (or maybe a couple more) who read this thing I do here each week, BE SAFE, be happy with your gifts because you have them, know you are loved (I love you all even those of you I don't know, which is most of you.) Tell someone you love them and mean it.  Remember those we lost this past year and appreciate the sacrifices we all make just to be together.   Thank the cook.  Enjoy some time outside giving thanks for the world God made.   Remember your furry and feathered friends.  Don't drink and drive or Text and drive.   Spend as much time around the dinner table not fighting as you can muster.   If all else fails, use the Adele method of getting along.   

Happy THANKSGIVING my friends.  

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Just for grins and giggles here is my menu for Thanksgiving which will be spent, at least part of the week hunting.  I already started cooking because when you are going to be eating out of doors, you want some of the prep work done in advance.  To be fair, this is the first Thanksgiving I won't be with my mom and brother and the kids.  It sucks but it is what it is.   Anyway, I am doing the bulk of this cooking myself except pumpkin pie which I am politically opposed to cooking. 

Turkey

Ham

Gravy

Scalloped Potatoes

Corn Casserole (If you never had this it is amazing.  I will post a recipe next week.)

Stuffing not from a box

Stuffing from a box (The kid prefers Stovetop...whatevs!)

Rolls

Green bean casserole 

Cherry Pie

Buttermilk Pie 

Maybe Rice Krispie Treats 

Pumpkin Pie (Samantha is bringing this)

Summer Sausage, crackers, and cheese

Wine and Beer (not for the kid)

Okay that is what I am making, don't ask me what everyone else is making aside form the below:

Probably a box of Ding Dongs because Harold always bring them.  

Lots of beer and probably some other junk like cookies or something because none of us have big enough butts now and we never met a fruit on Thankgiving that wasn't in a pie. 

Feel free to share with me what you are making, I would love to hear!

How to survive in Texas without an oil well

I grew up in Indiana, well at least the first part of my life.  When I moved to Texas at 10, I swore I would never become a Texan.   Up until that point the only person I ever knew from Texas was this girl at Girl Scout camp when I was 9.   We had the misfortune of bunking together and I swear that the entire time all she did was talk about "In Texas we do...."  "Texas has ...."   "Texans do/don't..."

Nobody cared.  

So the truth about Texas?   Okay here is the truth for those of you who aren't fortunate enough to be "Texan".   There are a few things Texans love beyond reason.  If you know a Texan, love a Texan, or just visit Texas, these are the things you should understand.  Most make me scratch my head but a few are really worth it.  Here they are in no particular order.

Texans Love:

-Whataburger:

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I am not going to lie here, I don't get it.   It's a hamburger.  It isn't the best burger I have ever eaten by far,  not even close.   It is fast food and while it isn't as greasy as McDonald's, it is just a burger.  Oh, and their special ketchup?  The regular kind is....Ketchup.   People go crazy for this stuff.  It tastes different.   Maybe it has a little extra vinegar but it is just KETCHUP.   The spicy is okay but in large doses it is too much.  My husband hates it.  I tolerate it at times.   Really, the love is unreasonable.  People who leave Texas and come back make Whataburger their first stop the minute they get back to Texas.   I think I may eat 2 a year.  Nothing they make can't be made better at home.  Really, my taquitos are the BOMB and my husband's burgers are even better than that.   If I want a burger on the run, they are okay but I am not going to lie, I like Carl's Junior better.

-Bluebell

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Oh. My. GAWD!   The summer of 2015 will be surely go down as one of the darkest moments in Texas History!   Why?  Well, first Blue Bell stopped selling ice cream then Whataburger stopped selling taquitos.  Dear lord, the world was coming to an end.  Every time I got on Facebook or Twitter people were in panic. (Don't get me, a chicken lady, started on how it is pathetic people can't buy eggs and make their own breakfast.  It is the simplest thing in the world!)    Blue Bell is okay.  I mean, I liked it a lot the first time I ate it....when I was 10!   Now?  Well there are actually a lot of ice cream and frozen yogurts that I appreciate more.  I am not 10 anymore, after all. My taste has actually learned to appreciate a finer quality of ice cream.    Still, don't tell a Texan that God didn't gift them with Blue Bell because they are sure it is actually the closest thing to heaven on earth.  

Dr Pepper:

They drink it for breakfast, lunch, dinner.  They drink it in the ballparks, football fields, deer stands.  They drink it everywhere.  I seriously think some of them take it to the bathroom with them.  If you drink coke or pepsi you are obviously a Yankee because no self respecting Texan drinks anything but Dr. Pepper and don't even pretend with anything but the real stuff.   Don't be surprised if you go somewhere and ask for a 'coke' if they ask you what kind, either.  They aren't being funny and they aren't offering you a wide variety of flavored coke.  They mean do you want a Coke, Dr Pepper, Sprite, ect.   They call everything Coke here.

Sweet Tea

Alright when they are not drinking Dr. Pepper or beer (see below), they are drinking sweet tea.  It's ice tea with sugar.  No biggie but they have recipes for it.   They are darn near militant about how it should be made.  You use simple syrup which is basically sugar dissolved in hot water. Then you brew really strong tea and add the simple syrup.  That is apparently the right way to do it so I have been told.  Guess what?  As long as the tea is strong enough, I can't actually tell the difference between real sweet tea and what I make which is tea without sugar and added Truvia.   Don't tell the Texans though!

Chips and Salsa/Queso/Guac

Okay seriously this is one of the greatest things ever!  I mean as soon as you get seated at any good Tex-Mex place you get a heaping bowl of chips and many bowls of salsa. If you are feeling really adventurous you may get a side of queso or guacamole.  Life is good in Texas when you are eating Tex-Mex.

Beer
Texans love beer.  Especially Shiner.  Now here is another thing I do agree on with them.  Usually, if I do drink beer, which I don't often, I will chose Shiner because, well it's good...for beer.

Football
Football is king in Texas.  High School football takes up 20 minutes of the nightly news on Friday nights in DALLAS during the fall.  I swear you have never seen anything like the football fever.   Me?  I prefer baseball so I just sit back and watch.

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Margarita's and Joe T's

Alright, there are a few places in Texas that make amazing Margarita's and this one is definitely completely worth it.  For my money Baby A's in Austin has great Rita's and there are several places in San Antonio that make a Prickly Pear Rita that would make you drool.   In DFW the best is definitely Joe T Garcia's in Ft Worth.   I stand with every Texan in the love of Margarita's.   They are well worth the sip. 

  

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Buc-ee's 

Nobody gets excited about going to the gas station unless it is Buc-ee's.  Oh lord in heaven there is no place on earth to fuel up both your vehicle and your body like Buc-ee's.  This isn't just a gas station it is a shopping experience.   Yes, I will agree with the Texans, Buc-ees is the BOMB!

Country Music
No everyone doesn't listen to it.  When I was in high school I thought it was stupid.   I swore I would never give in.  I was not a country fan.   Then I moved to Austin, Texas to go to college and Garth Brooks happened.  Next thing I know, all I listen to is Country or Christian.

Now believe it or not, Texans don't actually wear boots and cowboy hats everywhere, no matter what you saw on "Dallas".  We don't all own oil wells either.  In fact, most of us work regular jobs and it is too darn hot in Texas to wear boots in August...But......

Boots 

I love winter mostly because I get to pull out my boots.  I have probably 15 pair of  boots, maybe more.  That doesn't really include booties either which is an entirely other issue.  Okay so most of my booties are heels and I don't wear heels much anymore because, let's be honest, where am I wearing them when most of the things I do are outdoors and a lot of it is in the mud?  Not to hunt and not to the ballpark.

No, they are very Texan but they are warm!

Somehow, when I take photos of my boots it is usually my western ones.  Not sure why except they are obviously the Prettiest. Things. Ever!

These are the shortest pair I own and frankly they are the most comfy with jeans. I wish I had them in grey but alas, I didn't pick up both.   Silly me.

These are my favorites, my wedding boots.  I have shared them before but sue me, they are just so amazing!

These are my most colorful.  Love them.   They were one of my first pair.  I have a pair of Ropers that I have had for a long, long, long time.  I can't recall the last time I wore them.  I need to dig them out of the closet. 

Cowboy Hats

Truthfully, I rarely see anyone wearing cowboy hats around town unless I am at a country concert.

Here is me in the same hat looking a little different.   I still crack up at the Halloween pictures.   I swear I should have been a man.  Seriously, these photos freak my husband and kid out.

Okay, so there I am for real.

And hat 2.   Seriously, both these photos are of me going to a country concert.  That is really the only place I ever wear them, except on Halloween, of course!   

Battling Depression: Enough never is

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Battling.   

Let's face it,  the state of the world today is sad.  It isn't just what we see on the news, which is bad enough.   It's that life is hard.   Even when things go right, things don't always feel right. Something feels missing.   When things go wrong it can become overwhelming.  The battle is inside.  The battle never seems to end.  The battle is within and endless. 

History:

Forgive the errors, please.  

This was my Facebook status yesterday.   Sometimes things sneak up on me without realizing it.   You see, a few years ago I suffered a few blows that rocked my world.  It started with a bad relationship and ended with me meeting my husband.  In between were a series of betrayals that made me question my ability to judge people and myself.  But it had a happy ending. right?   Yes, of course.   The thing is that the fall out from the bad relationships hide there in the background and sometimes it knocks me down like a blow from a prize fighter.   I have gotten good at covering up the feelings.  Hiding the hurt and pain.  Ignoring the bomb because my life is pretty darn good.   Except this week.  Maybe it is the holidays.  Maybe it a combination of stress that is invading my life from outside sources.  Maybe it is just the feeling that the whole world moved on without me.  Nobody cares anymore except me. 

Never enough:

We all bring our own baggage into relationships.   We all have regrets.  We all battle an inner demon that rears it's ugly head when we aren't looking.  I have them, my husband has them, everyone has them.   The feelings of not being enough.  Maybe they stem from a bad relationship where you were betrayed or several. Maybe they come from loss of people, friendships, loved ones.  Maybe they stem from a traumatic event that changed your life.   Maybe they play on your own insecurities about not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.  Maybe the hurt lies just below the surface but is so deep and so hard that you forget it isn't reality.  It is easy to play mind games with yourself and feel like nothing you do is right.  It is easy to get wrapped up in the negative hurt from the past and forget the gifts of the present.   It is easy to tell  yourself there is something wrong with you. 

The other day I heard my stepdaughter say to my husband "I don't ever do anything right."  I was sitting on my bed trying not to eavesdrop and that is the only part of the conversation I heard.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Join the club."  I thought to myself.   Even when my husband compliments me I hear a "But" inside.   That isn't his fault, that is mine.   If I feel like I am not a good enough wife, mom, aunt, daughter, sister, employee, who's fault is that?  Mine.   Nobody says those things to me but me.   Nobody feels those things but me.  My husband goes above and beyond to tell me I am enough and my kid tries her best.  

Source: Dr Seuss

Loneliness 

This is my favorite quote from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" which is probably my favorite book of all time.   Why?  Because it is the most accurate quote I have ever seen.  It is reality.

I have seen friends say things like "you never feel more single than when it's the holidays".  Here is the sad truth.  You can be in a room full of people, sitting there with your family, your spouse, your kids, and still feel alone.  You may feel empty or broken.  Nobody can fix that but you.   Nobody can fill the void.  Nobody should.  In the end, it isn't their problem, it is yours.   

Loneliness can overwhelm you.  You feel like you are fighting the unknown, the unseen, the unreal.  The UN.  The whole world has gone on and left you sitting alone.  It is a hard place to be.  Nearly impossible to face.   

Being Perfect or Pretending

For as long as I can remember this was the goal. Being the best daughter, friend, employee, wife, mother, aunt, sister.  This was the goal.  Being everything for everyone. Everyone except me.  Still, I am terribly fallible.  I am too quick to temper.  I am too emotional.  I feel things too strongly.  I am way too passionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets kicked, a lot. 

 I am not perfect.  I never will be.   I see perfect people all around me and know they aren't.  I see people constantly fooled by these people and wonder why can't anyone but me see the lie?   It seems that some folks have everyone fooled but themselves.  They fight the inner battle too, you just don't see it.  They don't talk about the bad things.  Maybe they are right and that is the way things are suppose to be.  We all just go around pretending there is no bad so that we don't have to see it.  That is exactly how my grandfather handled it.  His feelings about World War II and the things he saw were wrapped up in a little box and put on a shelf somewhere inside his heart never to be brought out again.  His feelings about losing my father, his first born son, were in another box somewhere.  He didn't talk about them. If he thought about them, he never shared.  Only once in my entire life did he ever show me his hurt at losing my father.   It was a terrible moment in my life.   A moment I will regret forever.  

I went to visit my grandfather for one of the last times in his life when I was 30.  I was emotional.  I was hurt.  I was feeling sad.  Everywhere I went people were telling me how much I looked like my dad.  Everywhere I went, I thought about how we never talk about him.   Everywhere I went, I was reminded of the father I lost at 5 years old.   A man who never got to see his children grow up.  A daddy I never got to know as an adult.  Nobody would talk about him and it made me angry.  He was MY father and I wanted to know him and understand him.  So I got into an argument with my grandfather about why he refused to talk about him.  I threw a good old, ginger fit.  My grandfather was hurting and I didn't see it.  Finally he said words that I will never forget and always regret hearing: "Do you think I don't miss him?  Do you think it doesn't kill me that he is gone?  Do you thing I don't love him still today?  He was my SON!"  I can't type this without crying 15 years later. 

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Faith

At times like these, the only thing that pulls me through is my faith.  Faith that I am loved by God. Faith that I have a husband that does his best to overlook my faults.  Faith that the sun will in fact, come up tomorrow.   Faith that there is a reason for everything under heaven and that even though I do not understand those reasons, God does and that is all that matters.  God has this and I just need to let Him work it.  

Not beaten

And yet, I am not beaten.  I will not go down without a fight.  I will not let these feelings take me over.  Somewhere inside my inner voice says "Just you wait.  I will show you."  Who do I want to show?  Not the men who passed me by, for sure.  I don't actually give a damn about them.  Not the people who walked in and out of my life without thinking about the fallout from their actions.  Not the family and friends who love me, even though they are my entire world. No I need to show myself.  I need to prove to me that I am enough.  I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I am worth it. I  know I sound like an SNL skit but it is true.   Somewhere inside of me, is the will to rise above.  Somewhere is the knowledge that I will be okay.  Somewhere is the reality that life is going to work out.  

Moving On

Some people will just say "Move on and forget it."   I wish there was a magic pill that allowed all of us to move on and forget.  The reality is, we would never be who we are today without the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, the loss.   We wouldn't be able to grow and get stronger without those blows to our psyche, ego, and self esteem.   Forgetting isn't the answer.   Moving past it is.  

Learning from it so that you don't repeat the same mistakes is the only way to become healthier.   Between the bad relationship and my husband I talked to someone.  I examined the mistakes I was making over and over again in relationships.  I realized my mistakes. I was settling. I was making excuses for men who treated me poorly.  I was accepting being 2nd or 3rd or 15th because I didn't know how to be 1st.  I was willing to accept less than I deserved because I felt bad about myself.   

When I met my husband, I was overwhelmed with the need to do things the right way or at least not repeat the same old mistakes. Not everyone in my life could see it.  Some people in my life thought I was on the same old path headed for disaster.    They were wrong, of course and things worked out pretty well,. Only when these old feelings show up and I start feeling like I am competing with someone I can't win against do I fall backward.   That person doesn't exist except in my mind. I don't owe anyone an apology for being happy and I don't owe anyone justification for my actions.   I did what was right for me.   I am learning that sometimes, that is the only person you have to prove things too and sometimes, you are the hardest person in your life to please.   

Forgive me

Forgive me for this blog.  I know it is heavy and I apologize for being so stuck in the past today.  

I read somewhere in a book recently something to the effect that blogs are silly.  Maybe they are.  For me they are a way to work things out a little.  I am trying to grow and be a better me.  This blog helps me do that and sometimes, just once in a blue moon, it helps someone else too. If that is silly then so be it.   

Thank You

From the bottom of my heart, if you made it all the way through this blog, thank you!   Thank you for sticking with me and hearing the inner ramblings of my disturbed mind.   You all are the best! 

Book Review: Go Set a Watchman!!

I can't really talk about Go Set a Watchman without To Kill a Mockingbird.  

Although Watchman was written first, Mockingbird is the better novel.  The characters are more real and likable.  This doesn't mean there isn't value in both novels.  

Book Description from Amazon: 

From Harper Lee comes a landmark new novel set two decades after her beloved Pulitzer Prize–winning masterpiece, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Maycomb, Alabama. Twenty-six-year-old Jean Louise Finch—"Scout"—returns home from New York City to visit her aging father, Atticus. Set against the backdrop of the civil rights tensions and political turmoil that were transforming the South, Jean Louise's homecoming turns bittersweet when she learns disturbing truths about her close-knit family, the town, and the people dearest to her. Memories from her childhood flood back, and her values and assumptions are thrown into doubt. Featuring many of the iconic characters from To Kill a Mockingbird, Go Set a Watchman perfectly captures a young woman, and a world, in painful yet necessary transition out of the illusions of the past—a journey that can only be guided by one's own conscience.

Written in the mid-1950s, Go Set a Watchman imparts a fuller, richer understanding and appreciation of Harper Lee. Here is an unforgettable novel of wisdom, humanity, passion, humor, and effortless precision—a profoundly affecting work of art that is both wonderfully evocative of another era and relevant to our own times. It not only confirms the enduring brilliance of To Kill a Mockingbird, but also serves as its essential companion, adding depth, context, and new meaning to an American classic.

My thoughts: 

To Kill a Mockingbird (TKAM) is a classic book and most of us either read the novel or saw the movie as a kid, or both.   We all loved Scout, Jem, Dell and Atticus.  Sadly, we only see some of those characters in flashback in Go Set A Watchman.  

Before I read this book, I read the reviews on Good Reads.  There are a lot of disappointed or angry people because the characters we thought we knew in To Kill a Mockingbird aren't exactly the same.   To me this book is such a reflection on life.   Have you ever gone back to a place you use to live and while it looks the same, it seems different, smaller, and not the way you remember? That's kind of what it is like reading this book.  

There are things missing, characters missing, and the ones that are there have changed, some for the worse..  Again, I don't see this so much a lack of continuity between the two novels as  growth, lack of growth, and life beating people down.   Much has been made of Atticus not being the hero he was in TKAM.  The thing is, Atticus was such a paragon of right, Justice, and  wisdom in TKAM, he was almost too good to be true.  In this novel we see his flaws.  We basically find out that he isn't the paragon of virtue we thought we knew.  I don't see this transformation so much as a change in who Atticus was as a reflection of life mellowing or hardening a person's views.   Unlike Scout and many readers, I don't feel betrayed by Atticus.  

To me the only problem with Go Set a Watchman is that without TKAM, you probably wouldn't enjoy or care about this book.   The characters aren't as innocent because Jean Louise has grown up and suffered loss.  She moved to New York and is returning home to visit her family and boyfriend, a childhood friend who we don't see in TKAM.  From there the book is simply an exploration of how things change, people, places, life, and learning to accept it.  

I found the book an easy read and the exploration of race relations to be pretty honest, just as it was in the first book.  There are a few inconsistencies between the two books regarding the rape trial but you move past that fairly fast.   

There are things I don't like about this book and one exchange I still don't understand.  The entire chapter with Calpurnia made no sense to me.  Of all the characters that changed, I actually found Cal's the hardest to understand.   

I guess the thing I took away from reading the two novels back to back is that with time, everything changes and not always for the better.   I couldn't help but feel these books are relevant to today just as much as they were 55 years ago.  

Overall this is a worthy follow up on much beloved characters.  

Winner! Winner! 

Well my first give away is over and I learned a few things about marketing these things better next time but I want to announce the winner of the random drawing:  congratulations to Military Wife!

Thank you all who participated and I will be doing another give away soon so stay tuned and be ready to enter!