Battling Depression: Enough never is

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Battling.   

Let's face it,  the state of the world today is sad.  It isn't just what we see on the news, which is bad enough.   It's that life is hard.   Even when things go right, things don't always feel right. Something feels missing.   When things go wrong it can become overwhelming.  The battle is inside.  The battle never seems to end.  The battle is within and endless. 

History:

Forgive the errors, please.  

This was my Facebook status yesterday.   Sometimes things sneak up on me without realizing it.   You see, a few years ago I suffered a few blows that rocked my world.  It started with a bad relationship and ended with me meeting my husband.  In between were a series of betrayals that made me question my ability to judge people and myself.  But it had a happy ending. right?   Yes, of course.   The thing is that the fall out from the bad relationships hide there in the background and sometimes it knocks me down like a blow from a prize fighter.   I have gotten good at covering up the feelings.  Hiding the hurt and pain.  Ignoring the bomb because my life is pretty darn good.   Except this week.  Maybe it is the holidays.  Maybe it a combination of stress that is invading my life from outside sources.  Maybe it is just the feeling that the whole world moved on without me.  Nobody cares anymore except me. 

Never enough:

We all bring our own baggage into relationships.   We all have regrets.  We all battle an inner demon that rears it's ugly head when we aren't looking.  I have them, my husband has them, everyone has them.   The feelings of not being enough.  Maybe they stem from a bad relationship where you were betrayed or several. Maybe they come from loss of people, friendships, loved ones.  Maybe they stem from a traumatic event that changed your life.   Maybe they play on your own insecurities about not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.  Maybe the hurt lies just below the surface but is so deep and so hard that you forget it isn't reality.  It is easy to play mind games with yourself and feel like nothing you do is right.  It is easy to get wrapped up in the negative hurt from the past and forget the gifts of the present.   It is easy to tell  yourself there is something wrong with you. 

The other day I heard my stepdaughter say to my husband "I don't ever do anything right."  I was sitting on my bed trying not to eavesdrop and that is the only part of the conversation I heard.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Join the club."  I thought to myself.   Even when my husband compliments me I hear a "But" inside.   That isn't his fault, that is mine.   If I feel like I am not a good enough wife, mom, aunt, daughter, sister, employee, who's fault is that?  Mine.   Nobody says those things to me but me.   Nobody feels those things but me.  My husband goes above and beyond to tell me I am enough and my kid tries her best.  

Source: Dr Seuss

Loneliness 

This is my favorite quote from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" which is probably my favorite book of all time.   Why?  Because it is the most accurate quote I have ever seen.  It is reality.

I have seen friends say things like "you never feel more single than when it's the holidays".  Here is the sad truth.  You can be in a room full of people, sitting there with your family, your spouse, your kids, and still feel alone.  You may feel empty or broken.  Nobody can fix that but you.   Nobody can fill the void.  Nobody should.  In the end, it isn't their problem, it is yours.   

Loneliness can overwhelm you.  You feel like you are fighting the unknown, the unseen, the unreal.  The UN.  The whole world has gone on and left you sitting alone.  It is a hard place to be.  Nearly impossible to face.   

Being Perfect or Pretending

For as long as I can remember this was the goal. Being the best daughter, friend, employee, wife, mother, aunt, sister.  This was the goal.  Being everything for everyone. Everyone except me.  Still, I am terribly fallible.  I am too quick to temper.  I am too emotional.  I feel things too strongly.  I am way too passionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets kicked, a lot. 

 I am not perfect.  I never will be.   I see perfect people all around me and know they aren't.  I see people constantly fooled by these people and wonder why can't anyone but me see the lie?   It seems that some folks have everyone fooled but themselves.  They fight the inner battle too, you just don't see it.  They don't talk about the bad things.  Maybe they are right and that is the way things are suppose to be.  We all just go around pretending there is no bad so that we don't have to see it.  That is exactly how my grandfather handled it.  His feelings about World War II and the things he saw were wrapped up in a little box and put on a shelf somewhere inside his heart never to be brought out again.  His feelings about losing my father, his first born son, were in another box somewhere.  He didn't talk about them. If he thought about them, he never shared.  Only once in my entire life did he ever show me his hurt at losing my father.   It was a terrible moment in my life.   A moment I will regret forever.  

I went to visit my grandfather for one of the last times in his life when I was 30.  I was emotional.  I was hurt.  I was feeling sad.  Everywhere I went people were telling me how much I looked like my dad.  Everywhere I went, I thought about how we never talk about him.   Everywhere I went, I was reminded of the father I lost at 5 years old.   A man who never got to see his children grow up.  A daddy I never got to know as an adult.  Nobody would talk about him and it made me angry.  He was MY father and I wanted to know him and understand him.  So I got into an argument with my grandfather about why he refused to talk about him.  I threw a good old, ginger fit.  My grandfather was hurting and I didn't see it.  Finally he said words that I will never forget and always regret hearing: "Do you think I don't miss him?  Do you think it doesn't kill me that he is gone?  Do you thing I don't love him still today?  He was my SON!"  I can't type this without crying 15 years later. 

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Faith

At times like these, the only thing that pulls me through is my faith.  Faith that I am loved by God. Faith that I have a husband that does his best to overlook my faults.  Faith that the sun will in fact, come up tomorrow.   Faith that there is a reason for everything under heaven and that even though I do not understand those reasons, God does and that is all that matters.  God has this and I just need to let Him work it.  

Not beaten

And yet, I am not beaten.  I will not go down without a fight.  I will not let these feelings take me over.  Somewhere inside my inner voice says "Just you wait.  I will show you."  Who do I want to show?  Not the men who passed me by, for sure.  I don't actually give a damn about them.  Not the people who walked in and out of my life without thinking about the fallout from their actions.  Not the family and friends who love me, even though they are my entire world. No I need to show myself.  I need to prove to me that I am enough.  I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.  I am worth it. I  know I sound like an SNL skit but it is true.   Somewhere inside of me, is the will to rise above.  Somewhere is the knowledge that I will be okay.  Somewhere is the reality that life is going to work out.  

Moving On

Some people will just say "Move on and forget it."   I wish there was a magic pill that allowed all of us to move on and forget.  The reality is, we would never be who we are today without the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, the loss.   We wouldn't be able to grow and get stronger without those blows to our psyche, ego, and self esteem.   Forgetting isn't the answer.   Moving past it is.  

Learning from it so that you don't repeat the same mistakes is the only way to become healthier.   Between the bad relationship and my husband I talked to someone.  I examined the mistakes I was making over and over again in relationships.  I realized my mistakes. I was settling. I was making excuses for men who treated me poorly.  I was accepting being 2nd or 3rd or 15th because I didn't know how to be 1st.  I was willing to accept less than I deserved because I felt bad about myself.   

When I met my husband, I was overwhelmed with the need to do things the right way or at least not repeat the same old mistakes. Not everyone in my life could see it.  Some people in my life thought I was on the same old path headed for disaster.    They were wrong, of course and things worked out pretty well,. Only when these old feelings show up and I start feeling like I am competing with someone I can't win against do I fall backward.   That person doesn't exist except in my mind. I don't owe anyone an apology for being happy and I don't owe anyone justification for my actions.   I did what was right for me.   I am learning that sometimes, that is the only person you have to prove things too and sometimes, you are the hardest person in your life to please.   

Forgive me

Forgive me for this blog.  I know it is heavy and I apologize for being so stuck in the past today.  

I read somewhere in a book recently something to the effect that blogs are silly.  Maybe they are.  For me they are a way to work things out a little.  I am trying to grow and be a better me.  This blog helps me do that and sometimes, just once in a blue moon, it helps someone else too. If that is silly then so be it.   

Thank You

From the bottom of my heart, if you made it all the way through this blog, thank you!   Thank you for sticking with me and hearing the inner ramblings of my disturbed mind.   You all are the best! 

Step Mom Diaries: Open letter to Teens today

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Dear Teenager:

You are living in a time when being a teen is harder possibly than any time in history so I am writing this because there are things you need to understand about life.  I know you think you already know everything but the hard truth is, you don't know much of anything about real life and you won't for another 10-15 years.  Sadly, the choices you make today, will effect everything you do for the rest of your life so here are some realities you need to understand.
  

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First stop trying to be someone you aren't.  The only person you have to be true to is you and if you let yourself down,  you will regret it for years to come.  Don't let friends pressure you into becoming someone you don't know.

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Stop thinking you have all the answers.  You may be the smartest kid in school but you still know next to nothing about life.   Your parents are providing everything for you and they love you with everything they have.  Real life gives you nothing.  NOTHING and nobody owes you ANYTHING!  You make your own way and you do it with what you learn along the way so listen up! 

You will make mistakes, learn from them, don't repeat them, and forgive yourself.   Nobody goes through life with a perfect life and nobody goes through life without screwing up.  The greatest lessons you will have are the times you fell and picked yourself back up.  

The friends you have today probably won't be friends you keep so stop trying to impress them.    People move in and out of your life and you learn who to trust as you go along.   Real friends don't leave. Real friends are not jealous.  Real friends lift  you up not tear you down.  Real friends have your back.  Real friends love you even when you aren't lovable.  Real friends don't judge.  Real friends never let time or distance ruin a friendship.  They are there when you call and they will come and get you wherever you are.

 Fake friends never last.  This is something that you will learn over and over in life.  You will have people that come into your life for a reason and people who come into your life for a season.  Never mistake those who have something to offer for those who are just filling space.  The space fillers will be many.  Most of the time, they won't really offer anything of lasting worth to your life so move on before they destroy you.  Some people will steal your energy and your soul if you let them so DON'T let them!

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Stop trying to grow up so fast and enjoy being a kid.   There is plenty of time for boys/girls and heartbreak. Almost nobody meets their soulmate in school so stop looking for them.   Don't settle for anyone who doesn't deserve you and don't give yourself to someone who doesn't know who they are or why they are with you.   You are special. God only made one you.  Be true to yourself and cherish your mind AND body.  You don't get a second chance at first times.   Don't regret someone later that you can walk away from now.

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Have faith in something outside yourself.  Believe it or not, you are not the only person in the world who has it tough.  The only thing that is going to save you is faith.  Faith in God, by whatever name you choose to call Him will get you through the tough times.   You are unique and special but you aren't going through anything today that won't get better tomorrow.  You aren't going through anything that others haven't survived.  You just aren't that different from everyone else walking around doing they best they can to survive.  Just survive, somehow, with faith! 

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Your words matter.  Tell the truth and know that as you grow up the only thing that truly matters is your integrity.   If something feels wrong don't do it and never lie if you did.   Lies only create bigger messes.  Lies only make your life worse.  Lies,  big or little,  make you lose trust. Once you have lost someone's trust it is much harder to gain it back.  Don't lie and you don't lose trust.  Lie, big or little and you may spend years making it up to people.   As you grow you will realize that truth is the one thing you always bring to the table.  People may not always like the truth but they have to accept it, sooner or later.

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Study hard, grades matter.   You will never know how important it is to work hard in school until you try to get a job without an education.   Nobody wants to wait tables or work outside in the heat but people do because they didn't apply themselves when they could.  Most of them would go back and change that, if they could.  Everything you do now in school should be focused on what you want to be when you are older.  Not necessarily the career because you may not know that, but the person you want to be.  Everything you do now can effect the college you get in to, the friends you meet later, the love you find later.  Everything matters.   Be the best you today that you can be so that tomorrow you will reap the rewards or learn to like taking out trash and know that janitors don't get paid well.

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School isn't real.   Nothing that goes on in Junior and Senior High School is what life is about unless you make a mistake along the way that effects your entire life.   You have one shot to do the right thing before it is too late.  Make wise decisions.  Stop worrying about what other people will say and start worrying about the consequences of what you DO.  If the consequences are negative, do not do it.  Sex leads to babies.  Drugs lead to addiction.  Not working hard leads to a hard life.  Make wise decisions so you are not paying for them for the rest of your life.

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Think before you speak.   The words that come out of your mouth can not only get you into trouble but they can hurt other people.   WORDS MATTER.  Mean what you say, say what you mean, and think before you open your mouth.  Use your words wisely and choose them well.  Don't say things to hurt or threaten other people because you become lesser by stooping to a lower level.  Don't use words that are profane or crude because it makes you look ignorant.  Don't be disrespectful in your speech because you wouldn't like it if someone was being disrespectful to you.  Say things that you want to hear others say to you.  Most importantly, if you are angry and going to say something stupid, walk the heck away.  You will never regret walking away but you will regret saying the wrong thing and hurting someone.

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Trust and respect your parents.   They are doing the best they can.  Believe it or not, you didn't come with an instruction book.   If you are in trouble you should be relying on Mom and Dad to help you find answers.  I am not promising they aren't going to be mad at things you do wrong, they will.  If you do something really stupid your parents are probably going to be really mad.  Learning to accept your groundings, loss of phones, TV's and fun times gracefully is one of the toughest lessons in life.  Your parents are not doing it to be mean.  Life has consequences and your parents didn't cause the consequence, you did by your actions.  Remember, Your parents want the best for you and they have already lived through all the feelings that are eating you up from the inside out.   You may not understand this today but you will someday, they are pretty smart.  Give them a chance to show you.  If they say "No" you should respect them and understand they have a reason for saying that you can't do something.  If they say "Yes" you should appreciate the sacrifices they make to give you the things you need and want.  Never, for the rest of your life, will anyone love you the way your parents love you.  Never, for the rest of your life, will anyone sacrifice so much for your happiness.  Never, for the rest of your life, will any people work so hard at showing you the right ways in life.   Your parents will make mistakes.  Love them anyway because they love you.

7 things My Husband changed about me

I am pushing total meltdown mode so forgive me for not blogging much.  First I have sort of a big decision I want to share, I am looking at finally finishing my degree.  I have contacted the University of Texas system to find out the easiest way to do this.   I obviously am not moving back to Austin to finish there but I would like to finish with one of their schools. 

Okay so that, work is crazy, and I am old, worn out,  and almost married a year.  I can't believe it either.  

Anyway, so a few days ago...a week ago my friend Military Wife and Pug Life sent me a challenge to reveal 7 things you may not know about me.  I thought there is no way there are 7 things left but I'm going to try. I am putting my spin on it, because that's how I roll.  

These are 7 things I never, ever did and probably would never have done without my husband.  (Nothing nasty people...come on now!)  In other words, the 7 ways my husband changed my life.  There are more, but these are the obvious ones. 

1. Guns: 

I would never have shot a gun without the hubs.  I shot once when I was a kid and walked away, totally afraid of the power.   It still scares me but now I shoot and like it. 

2. Fishing:  

I fished when I was a kid and hated it.  Now I find it therapeutic.  Being on the water is amazing and I truly enjoy our time together. 

Fish....

3. Hunting:

No I haven't shot anything and I may never shoot anything but I understand so much more not only the value of responsible hunting but the reasons why hunters respect the land, environment and nature way more than the average Joe. They feed the animals all year, not just during hunting season and without them, there would be a lot of starving animals on earth.  More than that, they respect the animal and give thanks for it.  They are careful in their kill and they are providing renewal.

Our tomatoes are growing!

4. Gardening: 

I never grew my own veggies before my husband.  Now we have onions, tomatoes, beets, cucumbers, squash, zucchini and a lot of herbs to make me smile. There is something about growing your own that just makes it better. 

5. Camping: 

Let me start off by saying I prefer hot and cold running water and a flush toilet any day but sleeping outside, under the stars, the way people use to, is amazing.  Yes, it can be hot or cold.  Yes, it can be full of bugs.  No, it isn't as comfortable as my bed.  Still, there is a peace sitting around a camp fire and eating a hot dog.  

6. Baseball: 

It isn't that my love for the great game has diminished it is simply that my life has become so much more full and being so full, I don't lean on baseball to fill my emptiness the way I use to.  Now, I watch when and I can and cheer always but I don't live and die by the game.  It's balance.  There is nothing wrong with loving your team or the sport but there is something wrong with falling into a depression when November comes and there is no baseball.  Now, I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with my husband and kid and camping and roasting marshmallows. 

7. Faith: 

It isn't that my husband has any special religious affiliation, he does not, but what he has is a faith in God through his love and respect of nature.  It is amazing the joy he has shown me in the simple things like watching a hummingbird or trying to get a mockingbird to copy your call. Every night we spend time outside, even though he spends his days working outside in the Texas heat.  Every night we enjoy the simple things like watching our chickens chest bump each other and run around the backyard eating bugs.  The man has a love of all living creatures, even the spiders and ants that our chickens eat, and a true faith that God gave us domain over all creatures on Earth.  He respects every living thing in a way that is unique and loving. 

Okay, those are the 7 things that have changed about me thanks to the man.  There are more, of course.  

I share baseball with him--Texas Rangers Baseball!

Thank you honey for putting a smile on my face and teaching me so much about our planet! 

Faith, Hope, and Miracles for Charlotte

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Sometimes when I am flipping through Facebook a story will catch my attention for reasons I do not really understand and I am touched forever by it.   This happened last night while I was looking through my feed and saw a story my cousin had re-posted.

Attached to the story was this picture of his angelic child and her parents.  Now, I know, we all have tons of angelic children of all ages and there are pictures all over the place but there was something different about Charlotte.  

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Attached to the photos done by a studio in Indiana, was a story.   After reading the story I was overwhelmed with sadness and  fear.  Here is Charlotte's story (Tissue Alert!) :

Charlotte's Story

I can't say why she has touched me so much. Perhaps it stems from the fact her parents live in the town I was raised in.  Perhaps it is the idea of the struggle waiting ahead for this little muffin and her family and friends. Perhaps it is the incredible unfairness of the whole thing. Perhaps it is the grace and faith the family is approaching this horrible disease with. Perhaps it is all of that.   

Today I simply ask that you read Charlotte's story, say a prayer for the family, and if you feel so called, check out  their Facebook page, photos, and Go Fund me account. Please continue lifting them up in prayer.  They will need the strength of all and God Himself.   Miracles can happen and with God's grace, Charlotte will get one but I am of the complete faith that there is a reason for everything, seen and unseen and there is a reason for this sad story.  Charlotte is a superhero in my eyes.

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Social media has many flaws but one of the best results of having social media available is that stories like Charlotte's get out across the world and people who otherwise would never know, know now and can take action.   Social Media needs more stories of Hope, Faith and the unconditional love of strangers and less of the shocking stuff.  Social media needs Charlotte to remind us all of what is good in life.  

Charlotte Strong Facebook Page

Charlotte's Go Fund Me page

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I believe....

It seems like lately whenever I turn on the news, there are so many bad things happening that it is easy to get lost in the negative.   So today I am doing something different.  I am doing an I Believe post and putting it all out there.

I believe: 

-In God and that He is in control.  We worry too much about things we can't control and we need to have more faith that He has this.

-That religion is not the same as faith.  I have a Christian religion but it does not define my faith.  More terrible things are done hiding behind religion than probably anything else in the world.  Sometimes religion is wrong and sometimes people use the Bible, Koran, ect as an excuse to act and behave in a hateful way.  That is not about faith that is about inhumanity.

-In the United States of America.   I see a lot of posts on my Facebook (and ignore them) about how nothing has changed since the 1960's.  I don't know what country these folks live in but everything has changed.  There is an African American first family.  We are more aware of individual freedom and rights to choose their path. People are coming out more and more and discussing topics we never would have discussed like being Gay, Lesbian, and transexual.   Alcohol, tobacco, and drugs are completely different.  There are warning lables on cigarettes and alcohol and they have legalized marijuana in some states.  We are fighting wars with terrorists who play by no rules.  This country isn't perfect, it is a work in progress but it is a great country.  Work to change what isn't working and stop making excuses for other people's bad or criminal behavior.

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-That love is too hard to find to define it for someone else.   I don't pretend to know everything but if two people who love each other want to marry, regardless of my religious beliefs, I am nobody to stand in their way.   Let them marry and let God deal with the rest.  It isn't my business.

-In the designated hitter.  I hate watching pitchers bat and even though watching Shin Soo Choo right now is about like watching a pitcher hit, I would still rather have the DH than deal with National League Baseball.

-That STRESS kills.   This morning I walked into work and had already delt with more stressfull situations than I will probably deal with all day.   Finding a way to relieve stress is huge.  I paint.  Figure out what  your thing is and do it.

-That people drive like crap.   Cars are not islands.  People should try to be polite behind the wheel because people die when you are careless and stupid.  Texting, alcohol and speed are the main reasons behind accidents today.  I am terrible about putting the phone down but I am going to try to get better.   Everyone should.

-That there are way more good, honest, non-racist police officers in this world than there are bad cops.  These men and women put their lives on the line everyday (and some die) for average citizens of all kind.  This country would fall apart without those willing to sacrafice.  Labeling all police as bad is a very dangerous and broad sweeping bit of ignorance.

-That the media in this country is ridiculous.  They seem to enjoy showing only the worst side of humanity and do everything possible to flame the fires.   The media has a responsiblity to report everything fairly.  If you are going to report every single bad thing that happens from the worst possible light then you are irresponsible and inciting riots.

-That if you are going to break the law you deserve to go to jail.  Being angry at the world is not an excuse to break the law.  Feeling like you deserve more than someone else is not an excuse to break the law.  The world doesn't owe you anything.  You got life and you get the choice to do with it what you will.  If you do the crime expect to do the time.

-In individual responsibility.   Make changes not excuses.  If you want to change the system you must work within the system.  Excuses and pity are going to get you exactly what you have.  If you want or need to change, then work to change.  If your situation is not a positve then work to make it better.  We all have our own struggles, nobody is unique in this.  You can pick yourself up and fix yourself or you can stop living.

-in being there for people who have been there for you.

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-In cutting ties with toxic people.  Some people do not deserve to be in my life.  For those people, I have no time or energy left.  I make no excuses for their bad behavior and I owe them no apologies.  I simply don't care to deal with their drama, selfishness, and self pity.

-That step-parents are overlooked and unappreciated members of a family unit.  We deal with all of the same problems as a birth parent but the respect and appreciation is half.  I love my (step) daughter the same as I would if I had been her birth parent and I worry and want the best for her.  The responsibility is something I took on as part of marrying her father.   Nobody gets to define me as "not a parent" because I didn't give birth to her.   I am a parent, I just got there a little late. 

-I believe in planting trees, composting, and  growing your own food.  Taking care of your little piece of earth is an important part of being responsible. 

Finally, I believe that politics suck and no party is right.  I believe politicians lie and are out of touch.  I believe that it is up to all of us to work to make OUR communities better and stop expecting the politicians to change our county.

Have a Pinteresting Wednesday #2

Alright I forgot about this last week because I have been going crazy busy at work and we have been going through some major changes which have stressed me OUT!!  Also my hubs has been just a little worried himself which causes me to worry so basically you have two worried, grumpy, tired people living in my house.   Which explains what I have pinned this week!

Sleep:

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Faith:

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Furniture

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We have a table similar to this with different seating but I am doing something very much like this with the table.  I already have the stain Java Gel and the Old Fashioned Milk Paint.  This will be my first Milk Paint project and the only thing I am debating right now is to use a binder of go totatally chippy greatness.

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This is one of the colors I have in OFMP and this is the chippy look.

Grilling:

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The weather is beautiful in North Texas so it is time to start grilling.   We had grilled pork chops last night for my hubby's birthday with asparagus on the grill and we both spent the whole night saying "this is so good!"   We are making an effort to eat more healthy foods so this time of year grilling makes it easy. 

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Thanks to hunter hubby we happen to have a freezer full of this!

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And we are currently stocking up on this!

Okay, that's what I have been pinning this week.   What about you?   Did you find anything wonderful?

Three funerals and a wedding? Circle of life.

This has been such a strange year. It seems like in a year where everything is coming together for me personally, a new marriage, a new step-daughter, a new home, that I am losing friends & co-workers left and right.  Young people too.  I will have been to three funerals by the end of this week and the age of those lost range from 26-43.  

In a time when I struggle to comprehend God's plan, my husband reminds me that there is a plan and to trust in it because there is no way we would be together without Him.  In a time when I want to break down and be sad, I have the great gift of a home that has over an acre of yard that needs work and my attention and just this once, I can shovel and mow and not think.  In a time when it would be so easy to focus on the loss of death, I am reminded constantly that there is also the gift of life.  You see, in my same office where we have lost two young co-workers in two months, we have also experienced the joy of watching several co-workers become parents, most for the first time.  

Last Friday, I left work early and spent the afternoon at homecoming with my husband, step-daughter, some friends, and their brand new grand baby.  I held that precious child and reminded myself that every life is a gift and every child is a joy.  

God doesn't explain His reasons but He has them.  My father was 27 when he passed away from cancer and it took me 30 years to realize that God called him home because He loved him and daddy had suffered enough. Time, it is all we have so we make the most of it. 

Sorry for the rambling...this is just where I am this morning. 

Let Go, Stay Calm, Find God

Sometimes it feels like everything I say is wrong and nothing I do is right. Sometimes it feels like I am lost. Lately that's every day. Yesterday I was flipping radio channels and I switched on the the local Christian channel. I hadn't listened to them in a long time. I left it there. My station is still sitting on that channel and this morning I changed my office radio to that same channel. I just need grounding. I need calm. I need God's love right now to balance me. When every part of my life is spinning and I am searching for direction I can always count on Him. He never fails me. People may let me down but God never does.





Life has a way of being way too complicated sometimes. People have expectations of me that I just can't meet, sometimes. Things start to stress me out and I start worrying. "What if's" start to rule my life. What if this project doesn't get done at work? What if that project doesn't get done at home? What if Derek Holland doesn't get healthy by the All-Star break? Yes, I worry about baseball. I'm a freak!



I can't control what others expect from me and I can't control what anyone else chooses to believe or do for me. The only thing I can control is myself. The truth is that I have enough hurt inside of me for ten people and I carry it around like a bundle of wounded flesh. Whenever anyone says anything it pops out and bleeds but at the same time there are a lot of insensitive jerks in the world who don't think before they open their mouths and I need to be tougher.



That's where God comes in. I need to lean on Him when I am feeling weak. I need to pull on His strength and pray for the people who hurt me. I need to find the will to want the people who are hateful or selfish to heal too. I want to be that Christian. I want to be that strong. I do.



Here is the problem, I am a red head, German-Hungarian-American-Indian, and there are just certain things that genetics can't change. I want to be calm and peaceful but there is no denying that there is some fire in my blood. When someone makes me angry praying isn't my first instinct. Over the years I have learned to take a walk and calm myself. This is my cooling off mechanism. This doesn't always go over well with people but it is my way of handling it and it works for me. I walk away and calm down so I don't say anything I will regret. Sometimes I even remember to pray and ask God for guidance. A lot of the time, actually I just say, 'help me, Lord,'.



It's hard to explain faith to people who have none and I don't really feel the need to defend my religion (I am a bad Catholic). However my faith in God is important to me as is my Catholicism, even though I am a little lacking lately. (Mostly do to the new-new mass but that's another blog for another time). There are things I can compromise on and things I will not and my faith I will not.











Simply,

Laura

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Enjoy the Ride!

Simply,
Laura