Stepmom diaries: What nobody tells you about being a Stepmom

Being a step mother is (hold on here for the shocker) not the same as being a 'real' mom.  I know, I know, this is newsworthy, for sure.  

When people think of motherhood they think of something like, well, above.  You go to the doctor and find out you are pregnant.  You have nearly 10 months to plan for your baby.  You get to do fun stuff like get the room ready, pick out adorable cloths, find the perfect teddy bear.   The baby comes and you don't sleep again for what?  5 years or so, I guess.  Most importantly, you bond with your child and learn all their little noises, faces, and manners. You get a chance to shape who they become when they are impressionable.  That's what motherhood seems like to me, a woman who has never given birth but who was and is the world's greatest aunt. 

No, when you are a step mom, you get to enjoy a different life and role.   You see, by the time I came into O's life, she was 10.   Now, I know what you are saying, 10 isn't old.  You still have a shot.  Well, this is actually true but there are some things you don't realize that makes being a step mother very different. 

Bonding:

I have said this before and I will say it until I am 94 but I missed all the cute, funny, years when she took her first steps, said her first words, and road her bike the first time.   Shoot, I even missed the first time she threw up or peed on her dad.  (I would have loved to see that!)  I missed a lot of bonding times.  

Respect:

Now let me start out by stating the obvious, just because you are around for the formative years does not mean your teenage hellion is going to respect you, but you have a way better shot.  What I have is an almost 13 year old who I have to frequently remind to watch her tone, language, and attitude.  This is almost always followed by the required eye roll, from her not me.  (And OMG do you know how annoying that eye roll is?  I may have had to stop myself from throwing something at her once or ten times.)

Boundaries:

I will never forget the first time O reminded me I wasn't her mother.  She basically told me that she was not going to eat dinner at the table like a family and I couldn't make her because....I am not her mother.  10 deep breaths, my red hair flaring, and smoke coming from my ears later and I politely but assertively reminded her of a few things.  Things like who makes breakfast twice a week and dinner for her every night when she is at our house.  Things like who it was that drove 45 minutes to another city to get her rabbits tagged for her F.F.A. class.  Things like who it is that bakes brownies or cookies when she needs stuff for her school fundraisers.   Things like who it is that normally takes her shopping for all those new cloths she needs remarkably every 7-10 days.  I then very, very calmly told her that I don't know what her definition of a parent is, but if those things didn't give me some rights to make her eat dinner with us and not in her room, where the plates end up in a trash bin and the dogs end up in the trash, then I seriously do not know what would.  (For the record, after about 5 minutes she was a totally different child.)

Caught in the middle:

Oddly, while O has reminded me a couple time that I am not her mom and that she feels like I am sort of her crazy aunt who just never leaves, when she has a problem (that isn't me) or just needs some girl talk, she opens up to me.   That's awesome but....sometimes she says things like "Don't tell dad."  Or "Please don't talk to my mom."  Okay, so some things I can handle, like dealing with her fluctuating "I hate all boys" vs "I like boys" moments.  Some, I feel compelled to talk to her parents about, like when she confided in me that at a local High School football game a girl was pushed down the bleachers and may have a broken neck and oh, by the way, she saw kids shooting up on drugs there too.   Well, I don't know about you but I felt it was absolutely her parents right and more important their need to know these things were happening to their still 12 year old daughter.  

But....I also realize that when I throw her under the bus about those things, I am going to cause her not to trust me.  Then comes the talk which goes something like this "I will not tell your parents things they do not need to  know but if your safety or life could be an issue, you better believe I am telling them."   This did not make her happy but she still tells me things so I suppose it worked

Love:

You can love a kid that isn't yours.  I mean people do it all the time.  You love your nieces and nephews.  You love your kids friends.  I am so overly protective of O at times that I want to march to the school and have a talk with her principal about why they need to do a better job.  I want to talk to the parents of the bullies and put them in their place.  Tell them to do a better job with their kids.   Mostly, I want what is best for O and I want her to rise above the garbage.  

Nothing prepares you for:

*The teen years!  Seriously, even if I had a chance to bond with this child at birth and love her from her first breath, I don't know that I would be prepared for the never ending drama that is an almost 13 year old girl.   The things that go on in school.  The way girls talk to one another.   The way she and her friends treat each other.  The number of times something was made out of nothing.  The number of times since September alone that the entire world was ending.  I swear to you, nobody can prepare for it.   The drama becomes exhausting.   The stupidity of the situation becomes exhausting.  The fact that no matter how much you try to reason with or punish the kid (Oh, my GAWD, the hate I received for taking away her phone for 3 days!) becomes the most exhausting of all.  Combine all of this with the knowledge that it will reappear no less than twice a month and you may want to run for the hills.

Or, do a lot of this:

Step-Mom diary: Step Mom is a Dirty word

Today I am sharing a new feature in my blog.  I am sharing, in a brutally honest way, my struggle and joys of being a step-mom. 

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I follow a few blogs about being a step mom and have listened to a few podcasts but everything seems to deal with the troubles of the ex.  I'm not struggling with the ex.  I leave that to him.  They have found a way to co-exist and that's fine by me.  They have both moved on and both remarried so all they really share now is my stepdaughter.  

What I desperately struggle with is being an instant mom figure.  A mom with no legal rights, no sense of purpose and a limited history with the child.  I have known her just over a year.  I love her. I want the best for her.  I want to be the best for her.  I want to set a good example and be a positive influence.  I just feel like I fail, a lot.  

Sometimes I feel like I am walking a tight rope.  She lives with us half the time and we get along great except when she gets frustrated with me.  She has a bit of a smart mouth and I have a bit of a strong will. We both have tempers. 

I don't know how to handle everything.   I am a newly wed who has never had a husband. Being married is a huge change for me.  I am just learning to share myself with my husband. I am also a step mother who has no children.  Being a mother figure has no reality for me.   This isn't the way I envisioned things.  This wasn't my plan.  My plan was to do things the way "everyone" does them: Get married in my 20's, learn to be married, get pregnant, have a child, and learn to be a mother while the child is learning to roll over.  Reality can be just so overwhelming! 

There's more.  My stepdaughter's mother has an illness and is disabled.  This has effected this child in ways I can't explain and you probably would be saddened to hear.  To say this little girl has been forced to grow up too soon is about as simplistic as I can make it.  She has, out of necessity been her mother's caretaker at times.  She lost her childhood to things no kid should have to do.  She is smart and she has handled it, but she is still just a child of 11 and sometimes she forgets that.  Sometimes I forget that.  I struggle with how to get her to listen and how to not loss my mind. I realize this is something all parents face but not knowing my place makes it a struggle I wasn't prepared to handle.  I am out of my element. 

Because her mother started becoming very ill just after her birth, my stepdaughter has never had a healthy mother and her mother has been forced to make decisions to put her health infront of everything and everyone.  I have watched my stepdaughter, a seemingly tough little girl, with tears in her eyes when she thought her mom wasn't going to show up for her Christmas Choir program.  I sat in the auditorium desperately trying to get her attention to point out that her mom actually just showed up a little late. (I am sure it is difficult. Nothing is probably fast when you have to get a motorized chair into a van). I have seen the anger, and felt it, when she asks me to take her somewhere her mom can't or won't. I have watched her struggle with feeling, somewhere deep down, like her mother doesn't love her.  I have encouraged her time and again to give her mom a break and to appreciate the time she has with her mom, to talk to her mom, to appreciate her mom. I have told her over and over that her mom does love her and that it can't be easy for her mom. 

I have shared with my step-daughter my story of the the loss of my daddy at 5 years old to cancer.  I have explained to her how much I would have given to have time with my dad. I have shared with her my struggles with my own Step-Dad and how it took me years and years and years to realize he did his best. 

I am not perfect.  I try but sometimes I feel, in a place I am not proud of, jealous of my husband and his daughter.  I am jealous that he has her.  I am jealous that she has him.  I feel, at times, like I don't have either of them.  I feel left out.  He says I leave myself out.  Maybe that is true.  I keep explaining to him, I don't know how to do this.  I am learning on the job. 

Before we got married and moved we saw my stepdaughter every other weekend and 5 weeks in the summer.  We were the fun house. We got married Sept. 13, 2014, we moved into the new house Sept. 15 and boom! We have her every other week 12 days later.  The dust hadn't settled before she became a child torn between two homes and two sets of rules.   I don't want her to hate me but I want to establish rules.  To his credit, hubby has been very supportive of this.  He has been very supportive of my mothering his child.  My problem is, I am not her mother.  She has a mother.  I am her friend.  I am stuck because I don't know how to enforce rules in my own house when I feel like, she thinks we are equals.  

I'm sure with time this stuff gets better.  I'm sure with time this stuff gets easier.  Four and a half months isn't enough time to have it all figured out.  I'm just so worried that in my trying to figure it out I will manage to alienate both my husband and my stepdaughter.  Rock and a hard place.  

So I would love to hear from anyone and everyone who has words of wisdom or encouragement.  I would love to hear from anyone who has advice on step-mothering.  I would love to hear from...anyone who can shed light on any of this.  Can someone just tell me it all will be okay? 

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This isn't my first blog about being a step-parent check HERE for more thoughts on life as a step mom.  Also related Here and especially THIS post, one of my favorites about my struggles with coming to terms with not being a 'mom'.

Finally, if you are interested in my Thankful Thursday blog hop, It is still open!  I would love to have someone join in and co-host this thing if anyone is interested.

Click here for Thankful Thursday!

Also, because a few folks have expressed an interest, I am going to host some form of a What I'm Loving Wed hop.   Check my blog page for more info and we will try and get that one going next week!

Raising a child and being a Bonus Mom: it's an honor

When I married I became a stepmom.  Now, if you know me, you know I always wanted to be a mom.  I had visions of little dresses and sailor outfits, hours spent rocking my baby to sleep, taking the kids to baseball games and to pick out a Christmas tree, letters to Santa and parent teacher conferences.  I looked forward to the first day of kindergarten and crying as my baby grew up and became independent.  I have adjusted my goals as I got older and things didn't work out.  

What I have instead is a beautiful, independent, stubborn young lady who knows her mind already and is sometimes too smart for her own good. I am blessed.  

So, being a stepmom or bonus mom or whatever you want to call it is my calling instead. What I have learned in a few short months is that kids need to know they are safe, loved, and wanted no matter how old they are and how you come into their lives.   They need to be able to trust their parents to be honest, good examples of how to live. 

What I have learned from my stepchild is that what you say or do isn't just about you.  You are showing them with your actions what matters in your life.  If you make time for them, find common projects to share with them, and take the time sometimes to snuggle and watch a movie or just listen when they are upset because the school bully is calling them names or treating them wrong, they will come to you. Being a stepmom is part about being a parent and raising them and part about being a friend and safe haven.  I don't get between her and her parents, I encourage her to talk to both of them. 

Someone asked me if it bothered me that she "wasn't mine".  Not at all.  She isn't a possession to fight over.  She is a child who needs love and that love can come from 2 parents or 4. The key is that the parents put aside their differences and do what is best for the child.   I look at helping to raise her as a beautiful opportunity given to me by my husband & his ex-wife but more importantly by her.  I was lucky because she accepted me and my family.  She has embraced my nieces and loves hanging out with them. She has that boys are dumb approach to my nephews that all 11 year olds have and it makes me laugh...because boys only get dumber as we grow up! She is a great kid.  Not perfect, no child is.  

So I started thinking about all the people who miss their opportunity to parent because they are too young or too selfish and it makes me sad.  I am sad because I know first, having a baby, watching it grow first inside me and then in the world, is an experience I would have given my left arm to have and there are people who take it for granted, throw it away, or simply never give their kids the time needed or moral example to have a chance to grow up healthy and strong.  They put themselves first and never think about how their actions effect their kids.  

It's a cruel world.  Life isn't ever going to be easy for any child.  Every family has a unique set of challenges and struggles but parents, in my opinion, have to grow up and be responsible adults and good examples.  Things don't really matter to kids but time does.  Giving your children the time by taking them to the park, woods, or fishing and teaching them the value of a dollar by giving them chores and an allowance and making them earn things.  These are the things I have found matter.  Take it for what it's worth from a part-time mom of someone else's amazing kid, who lets me be a part of her life and family.  Count your blessing and thank God for your chance because once you screw it up, the kid won't forget or forgive easily.