P: What is a Parent or How to be a better Parent?

Before I talk about parenting, let me just get this off my chest.   While being a parent today is tough, the thing that makes it hard is that being a kid today is so impossible.   I feel so incredibly blessed to have been a kid before the internet.   I didn't grow up with cell phones, laptops, and tablets.  We had a set of encyclopedias in our house, purchased by my school teacher parents in 1970, the year I was born.  If I needed to do research on something, I had to go to the library and look it up in books which were paper objects not something I read on a reader.  (Not that I don't love my kindle now, mind you.)

Okay, so parenting.   Aside from the challenges faced because the kids are so linked into social media and so removed from actual social interaction, there are many ways to parent and many things that create road blocks to successful parenting.

For example, I am not a parent to some people.   I am more like a care taker.  I don't qualify as a parent because I didn't give birth or adopt my step-daughter, I simply married her father.   I have actually been told this by other parents.  The school doesn't really acknowledge me although chances are if there is an after school function for parents, I have been there for the last nearly 3 years like clockwork and I am usually the one to take her to her meetings.   This use to bother me.  The lack of respect for step-parents from other parents and the school district.  Then I realized, it isn't my problem it is theirs.  Truthfully, the teachers aren't the problem with schools it's the idiotic rules.  As for the other parents, the real parent specifically who discounted me is the worst example to her teenage daughter that exists so do I care what she thinks, not a bit. 

So what is a parent? 

A parent is someone who makes sure the kid has basic necessities; cloths, food, and shelter.  

A parent is someone who ensures homework is being done.

A parent is someone who listens to their child's problems.

A parent is someone who makes sure the cloths the kid wears are clean and appropriate.

A parent is someone who makes sure the food they eat is healthy most of the time.

A parent is someone who knows what types of social media their kids are on and monitors it.

A parent is someone who takes responsibility for their child's mistakes and doesn't blame the school.

A parent is someone who knows where their kid is and what they are doing. 

A parent is someone who makes decisions for their kids that are in their best interests.

A parent is someone who puts their child's needs in front of their own a lot of the time.

A parent is someone who sets an example for their children. 
This means they wear appropriate cloths, their skirts are not too small and their breasts don't hang out.   Save that for your date night when the kids are not around.  They also respect and uphold the law.  You don't steal, cheat, or lie because your kids will know the truth and unless you want them to grow up to be criminals like yourself, you do the right thing.

A parent sets good moral examples.  Don't bring members of the opposite sex around your kids until and unless the relationship is serious and for heaven's sake, unless you want to raise a teenage trollop, don't parade a bunch of sexual partners around your kids.  I don't care if you call them Uncle or Aunt whatever, they are not a part of your kids life until they need to be. 

A parent should be the one person the child can count on above all others.  This means being available for your kid. 

A parent is an adult.

So let me tell you a little bit about my step-daughter and my relationship.   She likes to talk to me because I don't parent her, she says.  I listen.  To this I explained that believe it or not, my listening to her is parenting her.  I learned from the best on being a parent, my mother.  I may not have gotten to this kid at birth but I got there as soon as I could and I take care of her like she were my own.   So I listen. I try not to judge, realizing she is at that awkward stage where she is finding herself.  I give gentle suggestions or sometimes not so gentle suggestions, and I let her know when I am disappointed in her choices.  How?  I tell her.  I have told her at least one time this school year that I was disappointed in her choices and apparently it hit home.  I probably get mad way less than her dad and about the same as her mom but I do it in a way that is different from each of them so to her, I don't parent her.   Don't get me wrong, we have had some blow up arguments.  I had to set ground rules, something she wasn't use to and I am still working on her mouth.  When you have a girl raised by a bunch of men at hunting camp, you have a girl with a potty mouth. 

But, the truth is, inside, I think she knows I do parent her.  I take her shopping for cloths.  Am I a push over?  Not entirely.  I let her have just so much and sometimes I make her put things back.  I watched her spend 20 minutes walking around in socks and Jennifer Lopez high heels before I told her there was no way she, a tall girl in the first place and a not even 13 year old in the second, needs 6 inch heels.  I reminded her that I owe it to her parents to do what is best and there was no way she was going to get her dad on board with those hooker heels much less her mom.   She huffed and puffed and put the shoes back.

I also, at least until the last couple of weeks, made dinner for her every night.   My new job has made this incredibly difficult because instead of getting home at 5 to cook, I know get home at 7, if I am lucky.   We are learning to use the crockpot more so I stick something on in the morning and hope it is edible by the time she gets home to eat.  

I also, at least until I started working stupid hours, was the one who took her to get her bunnies tattooed and ran her all over North Texas doing 'stuff'.  Stuff includes the ever important friend shopping trips because they needed a 'girls night out'.  This sounded so adult until they begged me to go get ice cream.  Still kids.

I don't know what a perfect parent is.  I am not anywhere near close to being perfect.  I do my best and love her the way I can, which may not be parent enough to some people but it is what I have to offer and she and I are good with it, even if she does feel the need to remind me on occasion that I am not her parent, and I feel the need to correct her and explain that I AM her parent.

Stepmom diaries: What nobody tells you about being a Stepmom

Being a step mother is (hold on here for the shocker) not the same as being a 'real' mom.  I know, I know, this is newsworthy, for sure.  

When people think of motherhood they think of something like, well, above.  You go to the doctor and find out you are pregnant.  You have nearly 10 months to plan for your baby.  You get to do fun stuff like get the room ready, pick out adorable cloths, find the perfect teddy bear.   The baby comes and you don't sleep again for what?  5 years or so, I guess.  Most importantly, you bond with your child and learn all their little noises, faces, and manners. You get a chance to shape who they become when they are impressionable.  That's what motherhood seems like to me, a woman who has never given birth but who was and is the world's greatest aunt. 

No, when you are a step mom, you get to enjoy a different life and role.   You see, by the time I came into O's life, she was 10.   Now, I know what you are saying, 10 isn't old.  You still have a shot.  Well, this is actually true but there are some things you don't realize that makes being a step mother very different. 

Bonding:

I have said this before and I will say it until I am 94 but I missed all the cute, funny, years when she took her first steps, said her first words, and road her bike the first time.   Shoot, I even missed the first time she threw up or peed on her dad.  (I would have loved to see that!)  I missed a lot of bonding times.  

Respect:

Now let me start out by stating the obvious, just because you are around for the formative years does not mean your teenage hellion is going to respect you, but you have a way better shot.  What I have is an almost 13 year old who I have to frequently remind to watch her tone, language, and attitude.  This is almost always followed by the required eye roll, from her not me.  (And OMG do you know how annoying that eye roll is?  I may have had to stop myself from throwing something at her once or ten times.)

Boundaries:

I will never forget the first time O reminded me I wasn't her mother.  She basically told me that she was not going to eat dinner at the table like a family and I couldn't make her because....I am not her mother.  10 deep breaths, my red hair flaring, and smoke coming from my ears later and I politely but assertively reminded her of a few things.  Things like who makes breakfast twice a week and dinner for her every night when she is at our house.  Things like who it was that drove 45 minutes to another city to get her rabbits tagged for her F.F.A. class.  Things like who it is that bakes brownies or cookies when she needs stuff for her school fundraisers.   Things like who it is that normally takes her shopping for all those new cloths she needs remarkably every 7-10 days.  I then very, very calmly told her that I don't know what her definition of a parent is, but if those things didn't give me some rights to make her eat dinner with us and not in her room, where the plates end up in a trash bin and the dogs end up in the trash, then I seriously do not know what would.  (For the record, after about 5 minutes she was a totally different child.)

Caught in the middle:

Oddly, while O has reminded me a couple time that I am not her mom and that she feels like I am sort of her crazy aunt who just never leaves, when she has a problem (that isn't me) or just needs some girl talk, she opens up to me.   That's awesome but....sometimes she says things like "Don't tell dad."  Or "Please don't talk to my mom."  Okay, so some things I can handle, like dealing with her fluctuating "I hate all boys" vs "I like boys" moments.  Some, I feel compelled to talk to her parents about, like when she confided in me that at a local High School football game a girl was pushed down the bleachers and may have a broken neck and oh, by the way, she saw kids shooting up on drugs there too.   Well, I don't know about you but I felt it was absolutely her parents right and more important their need to know these things were happening to their still 12 year old daughter.  

But....I also realize that when I throw her under the bus about those things, I am going to cause her not to trust me.  Then comes the talk which goes something like this "I will not tell your parents things they do not need to  know but if your safety or life could be an issue, you better believe I am telling them."   This did not make her happy but she still tells me things so I suppose it worked

Love:

You can love a kid that isn't yours.  I mean people do it all the time.  You love your nieces and nephews.  You love your kids friends.  I am so overly protective of O at times that I want to march to the school and have a talk with her principal about why they need to do a better job.  I want to talk to the parents of the bullies and put them in their place.  Tell them to do a better job with their kids.   Mostly, I want what is best for O and I want her to rise above the garbage.  

Nothing prepares you for:

*The teen years!  Seriously, even if I had a chance to bond with this child at birth and love her from her first breath, I don't know that I would be prepared for the never ending drama that is an almost 13 year old girl.   The things that go on in school.  The way girls talk to one another.   The way she and her friends treat each other.  The number of times something was made out of nothing.  The number of times since September alone that the entire world was ending.  I swear to you, nobody can prepare for it.   The drama becomes exhausting.   The stupidity of the situation becomes exhausting.  The fact that no matter how much you try to reason with or punish the kid (Oh, my GAWD, the hate I received for taking away her phone for 3 days!) becomes the most exhausting of all.  Combine all of this with the knowledge that it will reappear no less than twice a month and you may want to run for the hills.

Or, do a lot of this:

Stepmom Diaries: Being a Real Mom

Before you read this there are a few things you should know.  First, I don't take a laid back approach to much in my life except maybe squats and push-ups. No, really.  Have you ever seen me eat chocolate?  I dive right in!    Second, to the best of my knowledge nobody mentioned in this blog actually reads it, except on the rare occasions when my mom or my husband decide to give it a whirl. Third, this is my perspective and experience, obviously based on my observations and interactions with certain individuals.  Finally, if you are new to the blog, know that while I have always wanted to be a "real mom" that isn't the plan God has for me.  I am okay with that.  I just do the best I can being a good wife and step-mom. 

Last week someone hinted at flat out told me that my place as a "step-mom" was unworthy because I am not a real mom.  I was amused by this 3rd parties opinion,  not because I think she is right or care what she thinks of me because I don't on either count. No, I was amused because I couldn't help but question what her idea of a real mom actually is.  To insinuate that only a birth mother can be a real mom is leaving out an entire list of caretakers from step mothers, grandparents and  adoptive mothers to aunts, uncles, and cousins raising someone else's kid.  To question the parenting ability of a person who did not give birth because they did not give birth, is not only insulting it is misdirected and it shows how insecure some people can be.  There is no instruction manual that comes with birth.  There is no magic insight that a birth parent gets that an adoptive parent or step parent doesn't have.  In fact, I would put out there that sometimes, just sometimes, parents who get in the game a little later are able to see little things more clearly without all the "My Baby" syndrome that is attached to actually giving birth to a child.  That is not in any way discounting a mom's role in a child's life, or a dad's role for that matter.  It is just that when I see my step-daughter, I see who she is today not the baby my husband and his ex-wife brought home from the hospital 12 years ago.  I missed all the cute moments of learning to crawl, walk, and talk.  She talks just fine now.  Too well sometimes.  I missed all the dirty diapers and spit up.   I just get the preteen drama and boy is there  a lot of that lately!  That's okay, I am was a preteen handful myself.  Ask my mom! 

So here are the things that do or don't make me a parent depending on your definition of motherhood, I suppose.  We share custody so this is an every other week ritual for me. 

What I do for my step-child:

I make most of her meals during the week.  I cook 90% of the time not "heat up" and we rarely eat out. 

I do our part of the back to school shopping.   

I take her to school functions or I go with her dad to them.

I drive her to school 5 days a week and sometimes, I pick her up.  

I listen to her concerns.  

I give her advice on how to handle friends who are hurting her or the bullies at school. 

I encourage her to talk things out. 

I constantly talk to her about how important grades are and picking a college wisely, yes, at 12.  

I help her make decisions like what electives to take in school.  

I painted her room pink because that is her favorite color.  

I ground her.  

I take away her phone. 

I keep her in line when she speaks to an adult, including me, her father and her mother in a disrespectful way. 

I correct her language. 

I let her know when she is right.

I let her know when she is wrong.

I expect that she will be respectful to me, her father, her mother, and her step-father and I let her know that. 

I talk about faith and God to her. 

I am honest with her and do not keep things from her.  

I encourage her to talk to her mother and her father about things that are bothering her.  

I sometimes play referee.  

I remind her she is loved by a lot of people.   

I color her hair pink when she begs her parents to have pink tips.   

I bought her her first pair of boots and jeans.  (Which is all she wears now.)

I sit in the deer stand with her, by her choice.  

I encourage her to read.  

I talk to her like she is a person with reasoning ability.  

I get upset when I feel like she is being picked on at school and I get upset when I feel like the school is not handling it right.

I talk to her about things that happen in school that worry her.

I encourage her to attempt to have a relationship with not only myself and my family who she has freely adopted as hers, but also with her step-father.    

I communicate openly with my husband and his ex-wife on what is going on with my step-daughter. 

Along with her father, I give her responsibility and expect her to help do things around the house. 

I do all of this with the support of her father and her mother.   They have both been incredibly encouraging of my developing a relationship with their daughter. Why?  Because a child can never have too many people who love and care for her.

What I do not do for my step-child:

I do not take her parents place when it comes to confronting the school about the things they have done wrong, and in my opinion there are many.  Just an aside here, I really want to tell them how wrong they are and this has been hard for me. 

I do not interfere in her mother and father's role as legal guardians and parents.

I do not bad talk either of her parents or her step father.  (I have no reason to.)

I do not ever try to take her mother's place.  She has one mother.  I am simply a bonus to her.  

I do not expect her to call me mom.  

Because she refers to me as her step-mom, I don't introduce her as my daughter.  (This hurt for about 2 weeks until I realized it doesn't matter.) 

I do not keep secrets from her parents for her.   Her father and mother are informed of anything that is a danger to her and her security irregardless of if she told me in confidence or not.  I have told her they have a right to know these things and while I know I run the risk she will stop telling them to me, I also have an obligation of protecting her, even from herself. 

I do not lie to her.

I do not lie for her. 

Now, there are some people out there who feel that my role in my step-child's life is not important. I can tell you three people who do not feel that way: Her mother, Her father, and my step-child.  Does she drive me crazy sometimes?  Of course she does, she is 12.  

My personal opinion is that a lot of parents feel threatened by the step parent and the truth is, they just need to get over it.   Most step-parents are not there to try and take the place of the mom or dad. (Unless they are forced to because the mom or dad is missing or pretty much worthless). Most are there to support their spouse and the child they gladly agreed to help raise.  That is what they are doing, by the way, helping to raise this child.   The relationship should be encouraged by the parents because it is what is in the best interest of the child.    Moreover, if you are so insecure with your relationship with your child, you should really work on having a better relationship with your child and not point fingers at the step-parent who is just trying to give your child a little bit of extra love.   Can any child have too much love?

I can tell you this, in the 2 years that I have known my step-daughter and in the 1 year I have had the honor of being her bonus parent, I have worked hard at gaining her trust.  I have worked hard at finding out who she is today, not who she was at 6 months old.  I have spent countless hours learning her likes and dislikes from food (she hates sausage) to boys (she likes funny boys like her daddy), to colors (she hates purple).  I have seen this child develop from a girl that wears yoga pants and tennis shoes to school to one who worries about what she looks like and hogs my long mirror in the closet. I have had to fight her borrowing my make-up that she was never going to wear and now won't return (Oh, how my mom laughed at that one!) and had to reminding her that she can't wear my shoes because her foot is bigger than mine!  I have loaned her cloths to wear to school and I have tossed her out of my closet.   I have asked her 200 times not to get in my personal space only to have her do it over and over because she knows doing it drives me crazy.   I have had knock down, drag out arguments with her about her 'attitude' and eye rolling (GOD how irritating is that?) only to have her come apologize an hour later.  I have sent her to her room before I lost my mind at least 15 times.   I have laughed with her about her goofy dad.  We have shared the raising of chickens and dogs and talked about goats, ducks, and cows.  She has cried over the loss of her grandmother and tells me funny stuff that happened with her mom. 

We have worked on our relationship because I made her a priority in MY life.  Does this make me step-mom of the year?  Not even close.  I am flawed. I made a ton of mistakes with her.  I am overly passionate and sometimes I defend her when I shouldn't and sometimes I see way too much of myself in her, however that is possible.  I am too hard on her sometimes and way to easy on her others. 

So why did I laugh at the real mom who said my role isn't important?  She is one of those Facebook moms.  She is mother of the year on Facebook but has no clue what her daughter is doing in Sunday-Saturday or maybe she does but doesn't choose to confront the problems.   She is the last person I would accept parenting advice from or care what she thinks of my role.   I am not saying she doesn't love her child, I am sure she does.   I just don't think she has any clue what is going on in her kids lives and she tries so hard to be their buddy she has no time to parent.  Sadly, she ignores the warning signs with her daughter even when her child's father and step-mom try to address them.   That's my take on the situation.  I don't really know her and she doesn't know me. We have met twice. I do know that I was aware of things happening in her daughters life for 2 weeks before she knew about them.  I also find it funny that I have known her child almost as long as I have known my step-daughter and that I have no problem getting her to behave for me when she apparently doesn't behave for her mom.  I am totally amused that she is now questioning my capabilities when she thought nothing of letting her child come to stay at my house 30 miles away for a week, having never set eyes on me.  I find it sad that the first time I met this woman and told her how much I liked her daughter, who was polite and well behaved with me, that her response was "It is good to know she is that way with someone."  Maybe I doubt her parenting skills when she is more concerned with teaching her child how to walk in heals and put on makeup then how to do laundry and dishes.  Maybe my own mother was wrong in setting real life expectations for me as a child and that is how I approach parenting today.  Maybe that is my problem. I mean, what do I know?  I am not a real mom....

Special Announcement:

Tune in tomorrow for my very first, ever, ever, ever Give Away!

I believe....

It seems like lately whenever I turn on the news, there are so many bad things happening that it is easy to get lost in the negative.   So today I am doing something different.  I am doing an I Believe post and putting it all out there.

I believe: 

-In God and that He is in control.  We worry too much about things we can't control and we need to have more faith that He has this.

-That religion is not the same as faith.  I have a Christian religion but it does not define my faith.  More terrible things are done hiding behind religion than probably anything else in the world.  Sometimes religion is wrong and sometimes people use the Bible, Koran, ect as an excuse to act and behave in a hateful way.  That is not about faith that is about inhumanity.

-In the United States of America.   I see a lot of posts on my Facebook (and ignore them) about how nothing has changed since the 1960's.  I don't know what country these folks live in but everything has changed.  There is an African American first family.  We are more aware of individual freedom and rights to choose their path. People are coming out more and more and discussing topics we never would have discussed like being Gay, Lesbian, and transexual.   Alcohol, tobacco, and drugs are completely different.  There are warning lables on cigarettes and alcohol and they have legalized marijuana in some states.  We are fighting wars with terrorists who play by no rules.  This country isn't perfect, it is a work in progress but it is a great country.  Work to change what isn't working and stop making excuses for other people's bad or criminal behavior.

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-That love is too hard to find to define it for someone else.   I don't pretend to know everything but if two people who love each other want to marry, regardless of my religious beliefs, I am nobody to stand in their way.   Let them marry and let God deal with the rest.  It isn't my business.

-In the designated hitter.  I hate watching pitchers bat and even though watching Shin Soo Choo right now is about like watching a pitcher hit, I would still rather have the DH than deal with National League Baseball.

-That STRESS kills.   This morning I walked into work and had already delt with more stressfull situations than I will probably deal with all day.   Finding a way to relieve stress is huge.  I paint.  Figure out what  your thing is and do it.

-That people drive like crap.   Cars are not islands.  People should try to be polite behind the wheel because people die when you are careless and stupid.  Texting, alcohol and speed are the main reasons behind accidents today.  I am terrible about putting the phone down but I am going to try to get better.   Everyone should.

-That there are way more good, honest, non-racist police officers in this world than there are bad cops.  These men and women put their lives on the line everyday (and some die) for average citizens of all kind.  This country would fall apart without those willing to sacrafice.  Labeling all police as bad is a very dangerous and broad sweeping bit of ignorance.

-That the media in this country is ridiculous.  They seem to enjoy showing only the worst side of humanity and do everything possible to flame the fires.   The media has a responsiblity to report everything fairly.  If you are going to report every single bad thing that happens from the worst possible light then you are irresponsible and inciting riots.

-That if you are going to break the law you deserve to go to jail.  Being angry at the world is not an excuse to break the law.  Feeling like you deserve more than someone else is not an excuse to break the law.  The world doesn't owe you anything.  You got life and you get the choice to do with it what you will.  If you do the crime expect to do the time.

-In individual responsibility.   Make changes not excuses.  If you want to change the system you must work within the system.  Excuses and pity are going to get you exactly what you have.  If you want or need to change, then work to change.  If your situation is not a positve then work to make it better.  We all have our own struggles, nobody is unique in this.  You can pick yourself up and fix yourself or you can stop living.

-in being there for people who have been there for you.

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-In cutting ties with toxic people.  Some people do not deserve to be in my life.  For those people, I have no time or energy left.  I make no excuses for their bad behavior and I owe them no apologies.  I simply don't care to deal with their drama, selfishness, and self pity.

-That step-parents are overlooked and unappreciated members of a family unit.  We deal with all of the same problems as a birth parent but the respect and appreciation is half.  I love my (step) daughter the same as I would if I had been her birth parent and I worry and want the best for her.  The responsibility is something I took on as part of marrying her father.   Nobody gets to define me as "not a parent" because I didn't give birth to her.   I am a parent, I just got there a little late. 

-I believe in planting trees, composting, and  growing your own food.  Taking care of your little piece of earth is an important part of being responsible. 

Finally, I believe that politics suck and no party is right.  I believe politicians lie and are out of touch.  I believe that it is up to all of us to work to make OUR communities better and stop expecting the politicians to change our county.

Favorite Things Thursday

Katherine's Cornere Blog Hop

Duck Dynasty Hat. 

Monday I shared my weekend photos which included our "Lunch with Si " and I forgot to post the hat.   Here she is.  I love that it is signed by 5 of the Duck Dynasty cast including Jase and Si.

Chest of Drawer Makeover

New pulls!

A few weeks ago I shared the makeover on this chest of drawers (Link above).  I thought it was done but the drawer pulls bothered me and the size was a different from average size.  Well, I found an amazing set of pulls and redid the redo.   I love the feel of these babies and I think it makes the Chest feel a little more romantic.  Or maybe that is me.

Yes this is my house...don't worry we are going to get rid of that ugly 1970 peach brick one of these days.  Totally not on my favorite things list but the never ending parade of flowers in the front yard are definately amazing!

My Hubby's Norwegian Tacos

Husband calls these Norwegian Tacos.  My comment was, when did they get tacos in Norway?  Basically, his grandma created this cross between a taco, quesadilla, and grilled cheese sandwich.  They are pretty great.   He uses venison, because that is what we have in our freezer, a thin layer of refried beans and he used velveeta (the grilled cheese/Norwegian part because lord knows Norway is famous for American Cheese!).  You grill them kind of like a grilled cheese with a little butter (or Butter flavored Pam) in the pan for crispness. Then you top with your favorite fixings, salsa, guac, sour cream, green onions, and tomatoes. (I don't like head lettuce on my sandwiches or tacos but you feel free.)  The production line to make these babies is actually more complicated than the recipe and personally, I would make them with sharp cheddar but he loves velveeta.  Men, gotta love them!

I am simply loving this chicken that I get from the Mexican Market pre-marinated and so tender.  Also, how great our weather has been lately. We are so lucky to have a great spring with 70's and 80's because I know soon it will be pushing 100.  You have to love North Texas weather.   It always gets you back to 110.

Finally, one of my favorite things this week has been all the amazing feedback I have gotten over my Tuesday Blog about parenting.   It is nice to know that parents can laugh at the tongue in cheek funniness of the craziness of kids.  Probably because we would cry if we didn't. :)

Parenting: Do they sell a handbook for this stuff?

Kids:  God's revenge for every crappy thing you ever did to your parents.   

Kids: Your penance for every sin you committed in college.  (You know you did!) 

Kids:  Amazing creatures who look human but have no actual trace of human logic or common sense. 

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I swear if you think babies are hard try a pre-teen on for size.   Kids have the most unique and disturbing way of driving adults crazy.  

Invisible objects:

It amazes me how the dishwasher and dirty dishers are invisible.   It is a true and known fact in my house that I have the insane abilty to see dishes when nobody else notices them.   I stood there and watched one morning as my kid pulled open the already running dishwasher (on the dry cycle) and added a dirty bowl and spoon from her cereal.   I was shocked, not because she added dirty dishes to the clean but because she actually knew how to open the dishwasher!  

Sudden Child Deafness Syndrom:

It is also amazing to me too that a child can sit in the same room with you and be playing on their phone and you talk to them for 5 entire minutes while they are looking at your face at least part of the time and it takes them until you enter the 6th minute before they pull off their earbuds (disguised cunningly by their hair) and say innocently "What? Are you talking to me?" like suddenly they realize you are in the room.  It takes every bit of whatever God gave you to not say back "No, I randomly walk around the house talking out loud to myself for no reason what-so-ever because it's fun".  

The kid drop and toss: 

If you come to my house on any given night you will find not only a pair of shoes but a book bag and a jacket sitting in the middle of my living room floor.   Not because I keep them there but because they are dropped by the kid on the way to her room to play on her phone and text her friends.   Seriously, it's like my living room floor grows cloths.  When I asked her why she can't just put her bookbag in her room (Otherwise known as the federal disaster area) she says "Because I have to come out to this room to get to the car tomorrow anyway.   Ah, see logic.  Not sound logic but it is logic.   I, after all, leave my purse on the kitchen counter, or my bedroom, or the table but never do I plop it down in the middle of the floor.   Of course, I too take my shoes off and have to go around the house picking them up occassionally.  Again however, mine are in a corner somewhere where half the world isn't tripping over them in the dark, in the middle of the night. 

Human Garbage Disposal:

Also, have you ever noticed how MUCH kids eat?  I mean, I am not growing kids I am growing a bunch of hobbits.   First breakfast, second breakfast followed by snack, lunch and then comes first dinner (what is consumed just like dinner but happens almost right after the book bag is dropped in the middle of my livingroom floor) and second dinner, because that full blown meal at 5pm wasn't enough and kid must eat again before going to bed and turning into a gemlin.   We go through 2 loaves of bread, 3 lbs of turkey, the Lord only knows how much cheese, more if there is swiss every week.   Husband hates turkey.  I never remember to make a sandwich for lunch unless we are going somewhere on the weekend.   I don't know where all the cheese and meat go.   There must be ghosts in my house making sandwiches at weird times of the day and night.

Alarm Clocks: 

Does anyone remember having to set your alarm clock to wake up in the morning as a kid because one of the first things my mom did was show me how to use it and expect me to get myself out of bed and ready to go to school, if I wanted to eat first that is.   Well, the same kids that have cell phones and could probably redirect the government weapons of mass destruction from those phones, can't seem to hit the big button in the middle and say these words "Siri set alarm for ____" because that is too complicated and it is so much easier to make Mom or Step-Mom wake them up.   Easier for who? Clearly they have never delt with a grumpy, tired, sound sleeper who doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning.  It isn't easier for me. 

Because I said so: 

This is my favorite.  You tell them to do something and they spend 15 minutes explaining to you and negotiating with you why you not only don't know what you are talking about, but why they should do things when they want because it is better.   

Parent: Take a bath.

Kid:  I take my bath at 8pm.

Parent:  It is 7:58.  Start walking to the bathroom, it will take you 2 minutes and while you are going past, why don't you take your book bag in the middle of the floor to your room and put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher? 

Kid:  I want to see the end of this show.

Parent: it's a commercial and it's over. 

Kid: It's not 8 yet. 

Parent: go take a bath right now young lady, BECAUSE I SAID SO!

We all swore we wouldn't do it.  We would never pull the "because I said so" card out and yet, they force us into it.   It's some mass conspiracy that spans generations and creates parent-monsters.  We wake up one day and look in the mirror and see our mother/father and we sigh loudly, nod knowingly and get ready for work. 

Motor Mouth:

We share custody so every weekend we are getting kid on Sunday.  The minute she walks in she starts talking and doesn't stop until sometime Tuesday night.   I mean seriously, it is like her Corn Flakes are laced with speed.    God help you if you try to interupt either because the sudden deafness syndrom magically kicks in without earbuds and they can't hear you trying to tell them to slow down and take a breath for GOODNESS SAKE!!!!  I am so tired just thinking of it.  I then go in to parent self preservation mode.  I nod dumbly and say "Uh-huh" while I pretend to listen to why she is upset with her friend of the week. 

Loss of Human Contact: 

You know how everyone says you lose your friends when you have a kid.   It's true and it doesn't matter how old the kid is when you get them.  I can't talk to my single/no-kid friends because, well, first of all they stopped talking to me when I got married.   Second, if I do see them, (who has time for friends with kids sports, school activites, the odd moment of alone with said husband usually doing gardening and cooking and cleaning, and work anyway?) they want to talk about how horrible it is being alone when all I do is countdown to the rare weekend when I have a day off from being responsible for anyone but me.  (Sorry, but being alone, doesn't sound so bad when you haven't heard quiet in 9 months.)

So I turned to my friends that have kids in the desperate hope they will have some good advice.  You know what I get?  "It doesn't get better they just get mouthier as they get into High School."   "It is always going to be easier for them to drop their books on the floor and for you to wake them. "  They don't stop.  They just keep on keeping on.  It won't end until...well they have kid of their own, I guess. 

I am probably blocking out my childhood memories and I have some odd form of revisionist history happening but I just don't recall being so soundly illogical when I was 11, 12, 13.....and so on.   I am sure my mother would disagree however, kids today have way too much distracting them and not enough focus on things that matter, like putting away the stupid bookbag! 

Seriously, why do kids not come with handbooks?  I realize God isn't taking back the defective kids because they are all defective but couldn't they come with an Users manual or something?   Something to save my sanity when I feel like I am failing because there are dirty socks on the family room rug and they have been there for 3 days and I only just now noticed them because I was tripping over the shoes in the middle of the living room when I fell on my face, rolled into the other room past 5 dirty glasses left on the table and smack into the socks.  Of course, nobody hears my scream because you can't hear over the earbuds or the non-stop talking.  

I received so much positve feedback from so many people about this post that it has become one of my favorite posts.   It is definately my favorite this week so I am linking this up with Katherine's Corner Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop.   If you haven't been to Katherine's Corner and all the lovely ladies who co-host the hop then please check it out.  They are amazing! 

Step Mom Diary #2: Child seduction?

Last week I told you about some struggles I was having learning to be a mom to a bouncing baby 11 year old. This week I am going to share my crowning moment of the week. Well, kind of...

We share custody and on the weeks we have O, I take her to school.  Thursday however I picked her up too.   We generally spend our drive time chatting.  On the way home O expressed to me her concern that my husband was working too hard.   He does work too hard and he rarely rests.  It's tiring for me worrying about him overdoing it and clearly the concern has also struck O. 

Anyway, she asked me if "tonight we could seduce dad and get him to rest."  I paused, confused and tried not to drive off the road.   "Where did you hear that word." I ask deflecting her original question with no real skill.  She proceeded to explain it was in a book her class was reading. Now I am concerned. What ARE they teaching kids in school, I think to myself. Instead I ask "what context was it used in this book because I am confused."  She tells me how in the book a dad seduces his baby to make him sleep. I pause taking this all in then I suggest that the dad sedated the child not seduced the child, perhaps?   

Not to be stopped she asks what the difference is.   Quickly trying to get out of this situation without saying "hey look at the pretty birdie" to change the subject o say simply seducing someone is romancing them.   She makes that oh yuck face she makes when she sees anyone kissing and says, well whatever.

So, what is the most confusing or humorous thing your kid has said and  did you almost drive off the road too? 

Raising a child and being a Bonus Mom: it's an honor

When I married I became a stepmom.  Now, if you know me, you know I always wanted to be a mom.  I had visions of little dresses and sailor outfits, hours spent rocking my baby to sleep, taking the kids to baseball games and to pick out a Christmas tree, letters to Santa and parent teacher conferences.  I looked forward to the first day of kindergarten and crying as my baby grew up and became independent.  I have adjusted my goals as I got older and things didn't work out.  

What I have instead is a beautiful, independent, stubborn young lady who knows her mind already and is sometimes too smart for her own good. I am blessed.  

So, being a stepmom or bonus mom or whatever you want to call it is my calling instead. What I have learned in a few short months is that kids need to know they are safe, loved, and wanted no matter how old they are and how you come into their lives.   They need to be able to trust their parents to be honest, good examples of how to live. 

What I have learned from my stepchild is that what you say or do isn't just about you.  You are showing them with your actions what matters in your life.  If you make time for them, find common projects to share with them, and take the time sometimes to snuggle and watch a movie or just listen when they are upset because the school bully is calling them names or treating them wrong, they will come to you. Being a stepmom is part about being a parent and raising them and part about being a friend and safe haven.  I don't get between her and her parents, I encourage her to talk to both of them. 

Someone asked me if it bothered me that she "wasn't mine".  Not at all.  She isn't a possession to fight over.  She is a child who needs love and that love can come from 2 parents or 4. The key is that the parents put aside their differences and do what is best for the child.   I look at helping to raise her as a beautiful opportunity given to me by my husband & his ex-wife but more importantly by her.  I was lucky because she accepted me and my family.  She has embraced my nieces and loves hanging out with them. She has that boys are dumb approach to my nephews that all 11 year olds have and it makes me laugh...because boys only get dumber as we grow up! She is a great kid.  Not perfect, no child is.  

So I started thinking about all the people who miss their opportunity to parent because they are too young or too selfish and it makes me sad.  I am sad because I know first, having a baby, watching it grow first inside me and then in the world, is an experience I would have given my left arm to have and there are people who take it for granted, throw it away, or simply never give their kids the time needed or moral example to have a chance to grow up healthy and strong.  They put themselves first and never think about how their actions effect their kids.  

It's a cruel world.  Life isn't ever going to be easy for any child.  Every family has a unique set of challenges and struggles but parents, in my opinion, have to grow up and be responsible adults and good examples.  Things don't really matter to kids but time does.  Giving your children the time by taking them to the park, woods, or fishing and teaching them the value of a dollar by giving them chores and an allowance and making them earn things.  These are the things I have found matter.  Take it for what it's worth from a part-time mom of someone else's amazing kid, who lets me be a part of her life and family.  Count your blessing and thank God for your chance because once you screw it up, the kid won't forget or forgive easily.