The L Word

There are so many options for L that it's hard to pick just one but I am going with laughter.   

You see while love is the greatest L word, without laughter there can't be love. Think about it.

If you are a mother, you know sometimes you have to laugh or cry.  When your child decides to redecorate the walls, for example.   No matter how talented your 3 year old is, their crayon art is probably not what you had in mind for your living room walls. Laughter is what saves you and let's face it, your child.  

Think about some of the dumbest things you have ever done.  Many of them likely happened between 14 and 24 years of age....the dumb years.  You are not alone, we all suffered the dumb years.  Our saving grace?  We can laugh about it.   

I don't you how anyone else's marriage works but mine, but laughter is why I am with my husband and laughter is why he is still alive.   My husband tells the world's worst jokes but he tells them in a way that makes me laugh.  His ability to make me laugh is what attracted me to him in the first place.   For those who aren't up to speed,  we "met" on Twitter first and met in person about a month later.   While neither of us were looking for a relationship, we knew right away we would be friends.  Why?  We laughed a lot.  Now that laughter saves me from staying angry.   When I am upset at my husband or kid or life it the latest stupid thing Donald Trump said,  my husband starts making funny faces.  He has the craziest funny faces and he learned really quickly in our marriage,  making me laugh is a lot better than listening to my ginger anger. It's a lot safer too.   I'm less likely to kill him if he is making me laugh!  

In the end, laughter is what gets us to love and through love.  And if none of that works remember when you're smiling the whole world smiles with you and when you're laughing the sun comes shinning through.  If Louis Armstrong sang it, it must be true! 

A kiss isn't just a kiss-K

2016: Secrets of Addiction and recovery or Learning to Live right

There wasn't a smile, trust me! 

Fitness and Food have always been a problem for me.    Somewhere back in time, I wrote a blog or two about my struggles.   Beats me where they are and looking back on some of the stuff in my blog makes me sad so let me give you the Cliff's Notes version:

*I have suffered from compulsive eating and bulimia since somewhere between birth and 16 years of age.   I don't really remember when it started, I just know it started.   I am 45 so let's just say I have struggled about 30 years of my life.  

*I don't know what a "Normal relationship with food" means.

*I tend to be just a little bit OCD when it comes to food and fitness.

*I go in funks that can last years.   I either am really on with my food and fitness or very, very off.  I have been off for about 3 years.   There are a ton of excuses for why I fell off the wagon 3 years ago: broken heart, work stress, life stress, friendship stress, but all they are is excuses.   For example, the broken heart part, well, since that broken heart 3 years ago I fell in love and got married.  You would think that would snap me out of it but no such luck.   

So what does that say about me?  I am a freaking mess, I suppose.   In the 2 1/2 years my husband has known me, I have never been "In my zone".   See, I get in a fitness zone and when I am in it, I am a demon.  My doctor has never seen anyone lose weight faster than I do.  Well, I did.  I have no idea if my 45 year old self can do it but my 40 year old self was a master at it.   Don't let me kid you, that is part of the bulimia too.  I have been known to workout for 2 hours a day and eat 800 calories while doing it, to be thin.   I am not proud, mind you, just honest.

Anyway, I digress.   I have slowly started to work myself back into working out.  There is a magic thing that happens to me when I workout and it has nothing to do with losing weight, well, it does but as a side effect.   When I work out, I eat healthier.   I figured out a long time ago, if I am going to work my bottom off and still eat M&M's then I might as well just not workout.  

So at the beginning of the year I decided to make slow changes, because for me, diving in head first can send me on a roller coaster of bulimic tendencies and I now have a 12 year old girl in the house, who, as most 12 year old girls do, feels like crap about her appearance half the time.   She brushes it off and plays tough, but she doesn't fool me and my obligation is to set an example so, I have started to make a few changes.

First, I started by eliminating the high calorie, fun flavored creamer that I put in my coffee.   I switched to almond/coconut milk and while not anywhere near as flavorful, it gets the job done.  I also cut out all candy and sweets.   I bake nothing sugary and I keep next to nothing in the house to tempt me.  (Full Disclosure: Somewhere up on the top shelf in the baking section of my pantry are chocolate chips.  The good kind.  The chocolate crack kind.  At least, I think there are.   I haven't moved all the stuff in front of them to check.)

Next, I started to narrow down what is causing me to have serious stomach pain about every freaking day of my life, or 5 days a week, whichever is shorter.   I have pretty much concluded after not eating gluten for several days then eating gluten on the last two Sundays, that gluten and I do not get along. (My husband makes the best buttermilk fried chicken in the world.  It is amazing and dipped in flour.  I tried really hard to stay away from it this weekend but it called me and I answered it's dang siren call.   Trust me I am paying for it today.) 

So I have switched to protein filled green smoothies about once a day and healthier veggie and meat based foods.  Sometimes I have them twice a day, which I am going to explain below.  

Now, here is the worst part, I had a surgery two years ago which should have helped me lose weight but because I am a sugar addict, it helped me lose 60 pounds before I realized I could still eat sugar and gained 30 back.   In other words, I failed at the "easy way out" too.   Let me tell you one thing about any type of surgery, it is not the easy way out of anything.   A side effect of the surgery I had is that when I eat too much, to this day I vomit.   Unfortunately, most sugar and calorie filled stuff doesn't require you to eat a bunch before you blow your whole day.   A second and really annoying side effect is that raw veggies make me sick about 90% of the time.   This means for me, eating salad with a chicken breast is a crap shoot.  I may be able to stomach it one night and the next day, it makes me sick.   This sucks because I am just weird enough to like raw veggies.   As I said above, I have added green smoothies into my diet.  What I have figured out about that is that when I put spinach in the smoothie, it doesn't  give me the digestive challenges that eating a cup of spinach can.   So, I make a smoothie with spinach and a banana and protein powder because my goal after having surgery is to get between 60 grams and 90 grams of protein a day.   That's a lot.   

The one positive about the surgery, the one thing it forced me to stop doing, which I have never been able to stop previously, is purging.   Maybe it is because the surgery causes you to purge at times but mostly I believe it is because, once I went through with the surgery, I just couldn't do that to my body anymore.  Making myself sick when I am already struggling with constant stomach problems, is just not an answer for me anymore.  

Okay, so in the end, what I am telling you is that I am a 45 year old, overweight woman with at least 2 eating disorders, gluten intolerance, an addiction to cigarettes which will probably kill me and I made 2016 a year for baby step changes to get me back on track for good.   So yes, I am working out and behind that smiley face above you will see an exhausted old lady.   I am working on cutting the literal fat out of my diet and even replacing my cigarettes with something good for me.  (I haven't figured that one out yet because Ecigs are not good for me either.)

Here are my weight and fitness goals for this year:

Weight: Lose 50 pounds.   I have lost 6 so far this year so only 44 more to go!  

Workouts:  At least 3 times a week until I have a good base built up then 5 days a week.  With my ultimate goal to be back on my mountain bike by my 46 birthday.  That is in August if you are keeping track I have just under 6 months to get there. 

Quit smoking......TBD.

Plan:

Food: I have started keeping track of my food (most days) on one of those on-line calorie tracker things.  I forget on the weekends mostly.

Fitness:  I am going to be working out at home.  I use to go to the gym right after work.  I use to also be single and not have anyone else at home to answer to.  Now, just to be able to tell my husband: I am working out now, when I get  home, sometimes takes effort.  The minute I walk in the door, a to-do list hits me in the face.   I am working on getting all three of us used to the idea that when I get home, I am changing cloths and working out.  

 Years ago, I learned to take a 12 step approach to eating disorders and take it one day at a time.   Today I wanted pizza, gluten free pizza but pizza.  Instead I had a salad (and yes it gave me an upset tummy) and I feel like I did right.  I told myself, just for today, just for lunch, I will make the right decision.   This is what I am working on right now, telling myself, just for today I will eat right and workout.   If I take it as a daily challenge instead of getting fixated on the big picture, I am hoping to finally get into a life long habit.

Oh, happy Monday people!   Happy Presidents Day.   

Valentine's Blog: The best part of marriage and a message to my single friends

He is such a grump when the camera comes out!

Valentine's Day is coming up fast and with it, the pressure to not be single, be romantic, and get the right gift.    Seriously, the stress involved is just silly.  Single people should celebrate being single.  There are benefits, even if it seems lonely at times.     Relationships, on the other hand,  can't be dictated by a day on the calendar and love isn't something you plan like a dinner menu.   Love really is more like pot luck.  You get what you bring to it and some bonus material that you may or may not have planned on.   When I was single, I had all these romantic ideas about what it must be like to be married on Valentine's Day.   I happened to marry the most romantically challenged man on the face of the earth.  Actually, that is not true, he just thinks differently.  I think flowers are a romantic gift and he thinks showing me blue bird's flying around is a gift.   Truth be told, I have learned to appreciate his little gestures of love even though he can't understand why I insist on buying him stuff.   I even tried to explain that gifts are my love language.   He is too level headed for that.  He isn't cheap, he just has a different idea about what matters.  

Sometimes I think we go into relationships with preconceived notions of what love and marriage mean.  The truth is, it means something different to different people.  For example, I get up and make breakfast for him and my step-daughter about once during the week, sometimes twice.  This morning when I did this, he asked me if I was making him a toast egg-sandwich.  I told him "No, that one is for Liv."  He looked at me and said simply "Thank you for being a good stepmom."  It hit me like a ton of bricks, if I had a child and he was the stepdad, the most important thing to me would be that he loved and took care of my child.  I was honestly touched.  Maybe I give him too much credit but I think it is likely, I don't give him enough.

So without further ado, here are my favorite things about (my) marriage:

*Someone to watch over me:

This is something that can be wonderful but it can also be irritating.   There are times when having my back is the greatest thing about my husband but there are times when he is watching over me and I don't want him looking.   Case in point: Diet Coke.   He is looking out for my best interest and I know it, when he nags me about drinking water and not Diet Coke but I like Diet Coke.   I mean, not as much as coffee but honestly, I feel like it is something I need in my life, even if it isn't good for me.  He nags.  I ignore him nagging.  That is pretty much where we are with Diet Coke.

*Someone to make me laugh:

When I am having a bad day, he tries to cheer me up.  He tells me stupid jokes that make me laugh.  He is the funniest person I know and that makes him wonderful, in my book.   Compatibility on sense of humor may be the biggest part of getting along in a marriage. 

*Someone to share the load with:

We each have our own, special gifts but when we are trying to get things done, and I ask him to help, he jumps right in.  Our only problem is when he needs help and forgets to ask.  

*Someone to play with:

It is like having your best friend living with you at all times.  We play like we are 10 years old.  I mean, actually play.  I can't remember the last time I played with anyone.   Playing keeps you young. Sometimes we are playing around and we actually have to tell the kid that we aren't fighting, we are playing because it looks like we are trying to kill each other. :) 

*Someone to support your crazy ideas:

Sometimes one of us comes up with a crazy idea and we support the goofy.   My ideas tend to run the "I am going to start refinishing furniture and see if I can sell it" crazy train and his tend to run the "Hey, let's bulldoze the backyard and rebuild it to work better for us" kind of crazy.   Either way, we are there bouncing ideas off one another and trying to find a way to make the other person's dream work.  

*Have hug, will travel:

I don't really know what all men are like, but mine doesn't take hints well.  I have learned in the year and a half we have been married and two and a half years we have been together, to just come out and tell him when I need a hug or a back rub or a shoulder to cry on.   See, he is a man and subtle hints don't seem to work well with him.   He is always there to prop me up when I need it and I appreciate that! 

*It's Okay:

We have both had a lot of challenges in the last year, most related to work and changes at our places of business.   When either one of us gets down, the other is there to listen, support, and just basically tell the other 'It's okay.  We will get through this somehow.'   That's actually nice, even when you don't want to hear it. 

*Bad Times:

Bad things happen to everyone.  There are a lot of things you can control but there are a lot of things you can't control.   Companies get sold, people get sick, people die.   When those bad times happen, it is nice to know you have someone there who will pick you up or remind you of what you still have instead of focusing on what you lost. 

*Learning to spread your wings:

Here is the thing, there is no guarantee when you fall in love, you will love someone with your same hobbies. You love who you love, and no matter how much I laugh when I read a blog from a single person saying "10 things I must have from a man to get married"  that simply isn't reality.  You love someone for who they are not what they have.  So hubs and I have different ideas of "super fun"!  I love going to Texas Rangers games, writing, and painting pretty much anything, furniture, the walls, pictures, you name it, I have painted it.    My husband has never been more than a cursory fan of baseball, never reads my blog, and when I ask him about painting the walls, instead of giving me his color preference he says "Do we have any paint in the garage we don't have to actually buy?"   He, on the other hand, likes hunting and fishing, and running around on a 4 wheeler in the cold, wet, fall.  He Me?  I would rather have a heater, shower, indoor plumbing and no sand between my teeth.  I go with him as much as I can stand, can manage to get away from the house. When he comes to me excited about a new fishing thingy or a new hunting what-cha-call-it, I look like the deer in headlights.   We push each other outside of our comfort zones.   It is good to experience things you have never done and places you never knew existed.  

*Compromise:

The biggest struggle of our first year of marriage and the biggest change in our second year of marriage has been compromise.  We have learned to give each other the things we want but not always when we ask the other.  My mixer is the perfect example.  I nagged, bugged, harassed, talked with him about my mixer for several months, weeks leading up to Christmas.   I dropped hints and basically begged him for it.  It was not the right time.  We had agreed we were going to take it easy this past Christmas and not go crazy.   So, I continued to mention it like every other day week after Christmas. Well, as it so happens, I may have put it on Facebook a time or two (dozen) as well.   My friends all knew and three of them were actually shopping when they saw them on sale and sent me different messages.   Turns out, one was marked down about $100 (even thought the price tag said it was marked down $200, I knew better) and when you added the gift cards I had gotten into the mix,  I managed to get the thing for like $40.  I presented the option to him and his response was somewhere between "Yes! Let's go do this! Finally a mixer!" and "Oh thank God you will finally shut up about that damn mixer!".   I don't remember exactly where it was in there because I was too excited.   

Being Single:

Somehow when I was single, I equated that to being broken.   It took me basically meeting my husband and getting married to realize that there was nothing wrong with me before I married him and being married doesn't mean I am better or more worthy.   See, the fact is that while I love and adore my husband, the reality is, had we met 20 years ago, there is a real possibility that he would have hated me, and although he is pretty funny, I might not have liked him.   Timing was important in our relationship.   God knew better!

So, I was never very nice to myself when I was single.  I always wanted to be the girl with the flowers and dinner dates on Valentine's Day.   Do you know what I would love now that I am married?  Time alone.   Seriously, an few hours or better yet, an entire day to myself when I wouldn't feel guilty about reading a book or going shopping and leaving my family to fend for themselves.  When I wouldn't think about grocery shopping or house cleaning.  Time to get my nails done and not remember that the money I spent on them would have been better spent on a new pair of jeans for the kid or repairing the husbands thing-a-ma-jig.   

I really missed my chance to celebrate being single, when I was, so what I wish for all my single friends out there is that they take some time on Feb. 14th to celebrate the person they should love most, themselves.   Be nice to yourself.  Buy your own darn flowers and one of those stupid heart shaped boxes of chocolate.   Sign up to take a class, maybe it is time for that cooking, fitness, painting  or scuba diving class that you have been dying to secretly try.   Soak in the tub with bubbles up to your eyebrows and a glass of wine next to you watching old comedies on Netflix.   Sleep in and enjoy it because honestly, when you get married, you may never sleep in again.   Be kind to yourself because if you don't love you, it is a lot harder for someone else to love you. 

Loving old stuff

*Chest of drawers

There is a certain charm and quality that old things have that seem missing in modern incarnations.   I remember an episode of Little House on the Prairie where Charles Ingalls hand crafted a table (or something, forgive me, I haven't seen the show in like 25 years) and sold it for a little profit.  At one point his table was noticed by a mass producer and suddenly his simple style and hand crafted piece became a thing of mass production.  Naturally, the mass produced copies were not made with the same quality that Laura's pop put into the piece but cheap won over quality and character.   Skip ahead to a modern day auction where Charles' piece is still hanging around and still speaking to people.   The piece sold for a pretty penny at the auction and the winning bidders were thrilled with the piece even though it had suffered scratches and dings in the 100 years since it was originally crafted.  Those love marks made it look and feel as appreciated and special as it clearly was.   Of course, you know it is dad's piece by his marking on the bottom.   The point of the story was cheaper doesn't always mean better.   

I have refinished old beat up pieces that needs some work, the chest above for instance.   It has dove tail drawers, a quality stamp in the making when you buy an old piece of furniture that you look for before settling on something.  Modern furniture usually do drawers that are less complex and not quite as sturdy.  This piece however is old and when I worked on it, it took some loving care to get the joints secure and the drawers sliding right.   Nothing too complex but it took a great deal of my time and is one reason I don't really want to part with it.    One thing kept coming to my mind when I was working on it however, what was it in its time?

Now, obviously it is a chest of drawers but the piece itself has some features that are simply nice.  The top two drawers are smaller and there are compartments in them.   The drawers were obviously intended for ladies delicate items and the maker put in some quality touches that you don't see today.   The scroll work was what actually sold me on the piece.  (Note: I have changed the handles out on this piece since I refinished it but haven't staged it for a new picture in a while because the room it is used in is undergoing a retooling of its own.)    

But more than just being appreciative of the original handy work of the piece, I can't help but thinking to myself as I redo something like this, what has this chest of drawers seen?    I have no idea exactly how old the piece is or what it looked like originally.   The piece was painted rather poorly when I picked it up and it had some wear and tear on the bottom that required restoration so there was no hope or insight into the original finish when I sanded it down to recreate the piece and I couldn't find a makers mark to save my life so I couldn't look it up. 

However, to me anyway, furniture and other old things sort of have a life of their own.   They have seen things in their history and been through things that one can only imagine.   I think to myself, maybe this piece started out with a nice couple who just got married.  Through the years, mom needed extra room for the kids so it became a chest in her daughter's room.  Did the chest of drawers listen to the radio late at night with the little girl or watch her read?  Did the chest of drawers watch as the family grew and moved out of the house?  Did the little girl take it with her when she got married and started a family of her own?   Was the piece discarded because someone didn't appreciate it for the history or thought it was too old fashioned when grandma passed?   Was the chest there watching history with the owner?   Did it have a view of an old tube TV where it saw the Korean war and Kennedy? Did it see the Beatles invade? Could it watch the moon landing as it happened?  Did it witness the 1970's fuel shortage and see Happy Days on TV?  Was there a place in the attic for it when Reagan took office or the space shuttle tragedies?   Did it get to see Friends come and go on NBC?   When did the family give up on it and why?

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that furniture doesn't have feelings, which is probably good considering the way some people fail to appreciate it.   I just can't help but think to myself, the appreciation for something old goes way further back then the long dressers everyone wants to redo for entertainment centers or mid-century modern pieces that are all the rage.  Pieces of furniture like the chest of drawers above have history and were at one time, loved additions to a home filled with love, hope, and dreams.   I like working on them and wondering what that home was like,who the people were, and what happened both to the furniture and the people who once loved something old.  

Maybe in this era of mass produced, box store furniture marts, I am just old fashioned and would rather work to restore and bring back to life old stuff.   I have worked on pieces that were mass produced and pieces that were not and I can make anything look good but, slapping lipstick on a pig doesn't change the quality of the animal.   Yes, I have some pieces of mass produced in my home and I certainly have given new life to old crap but that doesn't mean I don't know the difference.   Yes, I am a little old fashioned and maybe, just maybe that is okay.    I may make a mistake and buy a piece I like that nobody else wants because it isn't a trend but who cares?  Isn't the important thing that the piece speaks to me?

Link to DIY blog covering this Chest of Drawers redo

*Chest of drawers:

People confuse chest of drawers (chester drawers people make me crazy) with dressers because dressers are what everyone has gravitated to in the last 20 years.  My grandparents always had a chest of drawers in every bedroom even if they also had a dresser.   The above piece is clearly a chest of drawers.   No hutch or mirror was ever a part of the piece.   Dressers tend to be the longer pieces with mirrors attached that everyone loves today to redo for living room or dining room furniture.   I like both for different reasons.   I especially like when they have the lingerie drawers because to me, that says someone put thought into the design.    

Love is....

Love is wearing your wedding jewelry to work just because it makes you smile.  

Nobody could ever find her here...

Love is laughing at your dog who thinks this is hiding.

country charm

Love is making a Christmas wreath that shouts him not you.

Love is him putting up with my obsession to get the tree right.  Something that I work on until Christmas Eve.  Seriously, this was a week ago.  I forgot the ribbon so the whole thing has been redone since this picture.

Love is looking up recipes that remind you of cookies your grandmother use to make because some of the recipes are lost in time.

Love is cooking porkchops a food you really don't like much because he does. 

Love is him lighting candles for you on a random weeknight just because.

LOVE

Love is your mom bringing you back this from her trip to Indiana.  (Out of fairness I should state that I have a ton of Texas Ranger ornaments and three or four Texas Longhorn ornaments on the tree.)

Love is a baby, who came down to save us all from ourselves.  Love is a man who sacrificed his life so that we could have eternal life.  Love is not perfect but it do any fail.  

Love is...

Love is: 

Growth

This weekend I was lucky enough to spend some time with people I use to know.  What happened when my old life met my new life was that I realized how much better my new life has become and how I wouldn't change a thing.  I am the same person but I am a better me now.  Where my life use to revolve around baseball and I would scoff at people who left a game early, now I realize my needs are not the only needs that have to be met.  For example, my husband attended the tailgate and the game I shared pictures of Sunday morning while suffering horrible back and shoulder pain.  He never complained once.  I knew he wasn't feeling well and yes, we left early because I asked him to go.  We live 55 miles from the Ballpark and he was stiff and tired.  Does this make me a bad fan?  I am sure some people would think so and yet it makes me a good wife which is way more important to me.    For the record, I am hoarse and my voice is crackling so while I may have left in the 8th inning, I cheered the whole time and gave the team my all.  Judge me and call me a bandwagon fan if you want to. At one time in my life, I would have criticized me too.  Now baseball isn't my whole life.  

Love is: 

Challenging

Breaking News: relationships are hard.  Any relationship but especially marriage.  You can't just run away.  There is always someone around who's needs are equal to your own.  The thing is, when that person is your best friend, even when you don't like them, you still love them.  My husband makes me smile when the Rangers aren't playing well.  He makes me soup when I don't feel well.  He makes me crazy when he refuses to see things my way. He keeps me focused on the big picture when the little stuff gets in the way.  

Love is: 

Imperfect: 

There are no perfect people so expecting love to be perfect is setting yourself up for failure.  My husband isn't who I would have pictured myself with.  I mean he looks nothing like Blake Shelton and yet, I still think he is cute.  (He does have a stupid sense of humor like Blake so that's a win.). He is a hunter and I want to save the world one animal at a time.  He is a Cowboys fan and I am a Rangers fan.  In other words, we are opposites.  Really some of the times he annoys me most is when he starts arguing with me that baseball season is too long.  I have debated this for three weeks with him until I am just ready to throw a baseball at his head. 

Love is: 

Learning to share the remote.   

He hates my shows on HGTV and I can't stand watching hunting and fishing shows.  Let's be honest, I am better at sitting through his shows than he is mine.  I just read about chickens online.  

Love is: 

Unexpected.  

I never set out to fall in love with my husband, it just happened.  He never meant to love me back, it just turned out that way.  Sometimes what you don't want and think you don't need is exactly what you need and want.  Love has nothing to do with the physical appearance or monetary value of the other human either, it's about how they compliment and challenge you.  

Love is: 

Wearing pants. 

You can't just do what you want anymore, there is someone else and there is no privacy.   There were days when I was single when I would read and not get out of my PJ's all Saturday.  My husband has to have a project and he always wants me there to keep him company.  In other words, he makes me get dressed every day and that is a little annoying sometimes.  

Love is: 

Worth it! 

When my new life met my old life Sunday, I realized that all the struggles to be together, raise his child, find our place on earth and do it all without killing each other was worth it.  I don't care about the things I lost or the people that fell out of my life.  I don't need to compete with people who's lives are just as imperfect as mine or more so.  I don't miss the old boyfriends or the old single life.  When I kiss him goodnight and he kisses me good morning, I know for the first time in my life, come hell or high water, we have each other's back and nothing feels as safe as that.  It's like coming home after a vacation and getting to sleep in your own, comfortable bed.  No bed feels as good as your own, no matter where you stayed and no place is as comforting.  That's love.  

Love, Equality, and a Thanks to my Wedding Minister

My minister, My Friend,  Ben

I can't say I was shocked or surprised when the Supreme Court came down with their ruling today.  I can say I feel like it was about time.   See, I am very clear on this subject, it is none of my business who anyone loves, just like it is nobody's business who I love.  If you love me and my husband great, if you don't get out of my life, I don't need you.  Sorry but I am not sorry.  I am pretty sure that is the way every Gay and Lesbian couple feels.  They don't owe you an apology for their love.  They don't owe you an explanation. 

So let me tell you a little story, about a woman I know who is going to Hell for dating the man she eventually married.  That is what she was told by a 'friend' of hers.  She told the friend to hit the road and married her man anyway.  They have a pretty darn good marriage. They laugh a lot, argue a little, work hard and play well together.   They have a beautiful house, share his kid, her two dogs, hunting land and 22 chickens.   Okay, yes it is me. You caught me!  Do I care that I am going to Hell?  Well, honestly I don't think I am.  If I am, it isn't for marrying my husband, but I am pretty sure it was not God speaking through that person anyway. That person happens to be unbelievably arrogant, obnoxious, and ignorant at times and when it comes to my relationship, that was one of them.  Here is the thing, my salvation is between myself and God and thank GOD that is the way it is.  God knows I am not a perfect person but He also knows I am pretty good at heart, honest, and carrying when it comes down to it.  I try really hard to love His people, see the best in them even when there isn't much to see, including the ones I don't like or find incredible hypocrites. 

So why do I tell you all of that?  I was married by the most amazing, loving, wonderful man I have ever met who just happens to be in a long term relationship with his partner who, until today, he could not marry himself.   That all changed with the Supreme Court ruling and thankfully, for couples all over America love is now equal for everyone.  They don't owe anyone justification for their love and they probably don't care if anyone thinks they are going to Hell.   It is between them and God and only God gets to judge.  If God knows my friend the way I know him, he is going to see what a loving, wonderful, fun, happy, creature He made and He made him perfect just the way he is, Period.

I may also add that my friend, my minster, by everyone's account at my wedding,  knew more about what it took to create a lasting, loving, wonderful marriage than any straight minister anyone in the audience had ever heard and everyone adored him including my husband's friends who are total rednecks.   I still hear from our friends how it was the best wedding they have ever been too and I totally believe the ceremony, which was charming, full of love, humor, and happiness was the key.  You only get that from true love, both the love between my husband and myself and the love of my my friend who is an amazing person.  

I thank God for making Ben my neighbor when we lived in our old home and for him being able to marry my husband and myself.  I also thank God he didn't have hot pink hair in our wedding photos because he was at a festival the week before our wedding and he had to change his hair back the day before.  He is a really fun person, I told you! :) 

(Just an aside, I have several other friends this effects and I am equally happy for you!) 

I believe....

It seems like lately whenever I turn on the news, there are so many bad things happening that it is easy to get lost in the negative.   So today I am doing something different.  I am doing an I Believe post and putting it all out there.

I believe: 

-In God and that He is in control.  We worry too much about things we can't control and we need to have more faith that He has this.

-That religion is not the same as faith.  I have a Christian religion but it does not define my faith.  More terrible things are done hiding behind religion than probably anything else in the world.  Sometimes religion is wrong and sometimes people use the Bible, Koran, ect as an excuse to act and behave in a hateful way.  That is not about faith that is about inhumanity.

-In the United States of America.   I see a lot of posts on my Facebook (and ignore them) about how nothing has changed since the 1960's.  I don't know what country these folks live in but everything has changed.  There is an African American first family.  We are more aware of individual freedom and rights to choose their path. People are coming out more and more and discussing topics we never would have discussed like being Gay, Lesbian, and transexual.   Alcohol, tobacco, and drugs are completely different.  There are warning lables on cigarettes and alcohol and they have legalized marijuana in some states.  We are fighting wars with terrorists who play by no rules.  This country isn't perfect, it is a work in progress but it is a great country.  Work to change what isn't working and stop making excuses for other people's bad or criminal behavior.

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-That love is too hard to find to define it for someone else.   I don't pretend to know everything but if two people who love each other want to marry, regardless of my religious beliefs, I am nobody to stand in their way.   Let them marry and let God deal with the rest.  It isn't my business.

-In the designated hitter.  I hate watching pitchers bat and even though watching Shin Soo Choo right now is about like watching a pitcher hit, I would still rather have the DH than deal with National League Baseball.

-That STRESS kills.   This morning I walked into work and had already delt with more stressfull situations than I will probably deal with all day.   Finding a way to relieve stress is huge.  I paint.  Figure out what  your thing is and do it.

-That people drive like crap.   Cars are not islands.  People should try to be polite behind the wheel because people die when you are careless and stupid.  Texting, alcohol and speed are the main reasons behind accidents today.  I am terrible about putting the phone down but I am going to try to get better.   Everyone should.

-That there are way more good, honest, non-racist police officers in this world than there are bad cops.  These men and women put their lives on the line everyday (and some die) for average citizens of all kind.  This country would fall apart without those willing to sacrafice.  Labeling all police as bad is a very dangerous and broad sweeping bit of ignorance.

-That the media in this country is ridiculous.  They seem to enjoy showing only the worst side of humanity and do everything possible to flame the fires.   The media has a responsiblity to report everything fairly.  If you are going to report every single bad thing that happens from the worst possible light then you are irresponsible and inciting riots.

-That if you are going to break the law you deserve to go to jail.  Being angry at the world is not an excuse to break the law.  Feeling like you deserve more than someone else is not an excuse to break the law.  The world doesn't owe you anything.  You got life and you get the choice to do with it what you will.  If you do the crime expect to do the time.

-In individual responsibility.   Make changes not excuses.  If you want to change the system you must work within the system.  Excuses and pity are going to get you exactly what you have.  If you want or need to change, then work to change.  If your situation is not a positve then work to make it better.  We all have our own struggles, nobody is unique in this.  You can pick yourself up and fix yourself or you can stop living.

-in being there for people who have been there for you.

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-In cutting ties with toxic people.  Some people do not deserve to be in my life.  For those people, I have no time or energy left.  I make no excuses for their bad behavior and I owe them no apologies.  I simply don't care to deal with their drama, selfishness, and self pity.

-That step-parents are overlooked and unappreciated members of a family unit.  We deal with all of the same problems as a birth parent but the respect and appreciation is half.  I love my (step) daughter the same as I would if I had been her birth parent and I worry and want the best for her.  The responsibility is something I took on as part of marrying her father.   Nobody gets to define me as "not a parent" because I didn't give birth to her.   I am a parent, I just got there a little late. 

-I believe in planting trees, composting, and  growing your own food.  Taking care of your little piece of earth is an important part of being responsible. 

Finally, I believe that politics suck and no party is right.  I believe politicians lie and are out of touch.  I believe that it is up to all of us to work to make OUR communities better and stop expecting the politicians to change our county.

If I could turn back time

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I missed my blog anniversary which was in early Feb.  We can blame all the snow in Boston but I live in Dallas-Ft Worth and we didn't have any bad weather until this week.  I personally prefer to blame the Dress:

Science behind the Dress

Mostly because first the dress looked white and gold to me no matter how hard I looked, it was white and gold.  Later I thought, okay maybe that isn't white really, maybe it is very light robins egg blue.  That was last night.  This morning....the dress is clearly, oh so very, very blue and black.  What happened.  Was it ISIS?  I know the science behind the dress but I do not understand this madness that causes the dress to actually change colors.  Okay, maybe it isn't a terrorist plot but let's face it, if it were, this would be brilliant.  It confounds people, it caused them to argue, it has made all the news channels.  The dress is evil, pure and simple.   

And that still doesn't explain me forgetting my blog anniversary but I am going with #BlameTheDress

So anyway, I thought how about a little getting to know me type of blog today because, what the hey, I am forgetful, almost mid-40's, and I am just out of ideas this week. 

 My friend Micah over at  Unabashedly Me did this great "If I could" post on Tuesday which she got from Erin who got it from Katie...woohoo!  That's a lot of blog happiness!  Anyway, I wanted to share with you a few If I Could turn back time type things.  What is Turning Back time without Cher?

*If I could pick another career I would:

Go to design school.  I wanted to when I was 17 and graduating high school but somehow got talked out of it because Interior Design isn't exactly the career choice of stability.   I regret not going to design school.  

*If I could meet one famous person:

I know you are expecting a baseball player, right?  Adrian Beltre would be at the top of my baseball player list.  Love him!   I would probably go right over him, Blake Shelton, Adam Levine, and head right down I35 and have lunch with Joanna Gaines because I love her.  I love her so much I am afraid she will think I am going to stalk her but I adore her! I love her style and I am really not stalking her even though I think she has made my blog about 10 times in the last month! 

Joanna Gaines Style

*If I could change one thing that happened in history:

2011 World Series

I can't let my Rangers Fans down on this one.  There is one thing I would change without thinking twice about it! 

Nelson Cruz would catch that  #!@!%^$%^@%$   baseball!  I don't know how I would fix it.  I would warn Wash to play him somewhere else.  I would do something.  Anything, to make that baseball end up in Nellie's glove.   It is 3 years later and I can just now look at this picture and not cry.  It is 3 years later and I still get angry when my husband tweets anything about 2011.   It is 3 years later and I will never watch a replay of anything about that game.   Not. One. Minute!

*If I could change anything about my life it would be this:

Meet my husband

I would meet him before he met his ex-wife.  I would meet him and hope that we fell in love instead.  I would have spent the last 20 years with him learning to hunt and having babies and raising a family because that is my regret.   I can't change it.  He wouldn't because of his daughter.  That is my regret.  As crazy as we make each other, I feel somehow we missed out on learning to love one another when neither of us had been hurt, broken down, and reinvented.  

Since I can't do any of that though, I am working really hard on trying to make me better today.  I am working on doing my own design thing even though I didn't go to school for it.  I am working on making myself in the here and now.   It isn't too late for my dreams they just have to be adjusted to reality.   I am working on being okay with that too.  

So, what would you do differently if you could?  Anything?  

 

 

Thankful Thursday: All you need is Love: My Valentines Blog

Because Valentines Day is Saturday I thought I should do a Thankful Thursday Valentines Day edition today and share the love that I am thankful for.   Love comes in many forms and from many people in your life.  I am sure if you look around and really think about it, you will be amazed at just how many people you are truly thankful to give and receive love from.  These are just a few of my loves:

He hates that I flash our wedding photos

I am thankful for my husband who is super supportive and loves me with his whole heart. He is the smile on my face. I love coming home at night to his goofy grin.  It's nice to have someone there to help shoulder the load and who has your back.  He drives me crazy, don't get me wrong but he is worth the nuts.  He puts up with me and encourages me and he lets me have too many irons in the fire and he doesn't mind my own personal brand of crazy too much.  Every once in a while he even surprises me.  I can't express in words how much he means to me.  He gave up his hunting weekend this weekend to let me go to a trade and junk show.  Now that is love! 

My mom walked me down the aisle

I am thankful for my mother who worked her bottom off being a single parent to give her kids everything they needed and most things they wanted.  She is brave and honest and she taught her kids to always be truthful and true to themselves.  She gave us wings and she gave us strenth.  She gave us freedom to make mistakes and the ability to make choices.  She never pushed too hard but never boxed us in either.  She was honest with us when she needed to be and told me flat out "you are never going to be a singer so channel your efforts somewhere else, honey" which I am grateful for after watching some really sad audition episodes of American Idol. 

Blessed with an abundance of kids in my life!

I am thankful for the kids in my life who make me grow and love they give me. They teach me to approach life with a sense of humor and to never take things too seriously. They make me laugh and they bless me in so many ways.  They make me worry for their future, each in a little different and unique way and they give me hope.  They have their own special sweetness, hurt, anger, pain, pesonality, good qualities, bad traits (some that need to be squashed) and they are the lights of my life.

Brother and Sister (in-law)

I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law who raise six kids and I still don't know how they do it. They manage to fit more in during one 24 hour period than most people do all week.  My sister-in-law, Sandie is the best.  She is an amazing woman of God and I could not ask for a better roll model for my nieces and nephew or a wife for my brother.  She is a nurse, an angel, and she puts up with him which makes her a saint.  :) 

Trish was my maid of honor 

Shanna was my honorary Best Woman

I am thankful for girl friends who are there when I need girl time because as much as I love my husband he just doesn't care about hair, handbags, or shoes. Sometimes you just need your girls and I love spending time with mine. I have been especially lucky this week to spend time with Shanna, Robin, Debbie, Jan, Trish, Sharon and I still have Cinnamon and Michelle coming up Saturday.

I can't forget my fur babies Ries and Sadie!  They are the biggest hams and the goofiest dogs but my life wouldn't be half as fun without them and if push came to shove, Joe would tell you he loves them too...if you really held a gun to his head and made him. 

There is a special group on Twitter who makes my life crazy insane fun and I love them in a only can it happen on Twitter sort of way.  They know who they are. 

There are a whole host of people at work who I adore who make me laugh on a daily basis.  I take them for granted and sometimes, I don't even think about them. Sometimes, I forget about some of them for days and weeks on end.  The mail clerks who get the mail to our office everday.  The office assistant who makes sure to log all our work and send all the annoying emails.  The human resource personel who we never see unless we need them but boy when we need them they better be there.  Don't forget about the janitor who always seems to be cleaning the bathroom right at the moment I have to go really, really bad!  Life would go on without them all but there will be a little bitty whole in my heart where they once stood, even the janitor with the amazing timing.  I am thankful for all of these people too.   

Finally, I am amazingly thankful for you all!  Every single one of you who takes 3 minutes out of your day to read the ramblings of my mind!  You are wonderful!  Happy Valentines day! 

In the beginning: The start of the start, the good, the bad, and the nasty

Just in time for Valentine's Day, a love story.   Okay, truth be told, when I was single, I hated these things.  I hated Valentine's Day too.  It seemed to me like it was just a reminder that I was a failure in the relationship department.   To be honest, now that I am married, I realize so much more about why I am better for having been single forever. Not to mention, if my husband and I had met in our 20's we would not have fallen in love with one another.  We just wouldn't have.  He was not my 20-something self's cup of tea. So before I give you all the  beautiful, wonderful, amazing,  totally mushy details of my love story, let me start with the ugly truth.


Background:

My love life, when I met my husband was on life support.  Actually, to say that I even cared would be giving way too much credit to the place I was mentally at the time we met.   I had given up on love.

You see, I had just come out of a terrible experience.  I won't call it a relationship because what it actually was is a toxic friendship trying to be a relationship.   I met the guy before my husband on Twitter.   I know, I know, don't date guys you meet on Twitter. (I met my husband on Twitter too so I didn't learn!).   The guy before, GB for short, was everything I thought I wanted and nothing I needed.  He was a huge Rangers fan, sort of technically inclined, had a smart a@@ sense of humor, which I find attractive for some stupid reason, and best of all he liked me.   I wasn't very fond of myself at the time so it seemed like a perfect situation.  He and I didn't meet until we had been communicating for months and months and months.   We finally met at a baseball game and I was smitten.  It helped that he seemed to like me because this made it much easier to make excuses for his bad behavior.  There was a LOT of bad behavior.

We will start with the fact that after he and I had been together a few times, he finally confessed, admitted,  told me the truth,  that he may not actually be divorced.  This admission only came after I actually asked, by the way.   Not divorced when all over the internet he was saying his "ex-wife"?  This completely confused me.  Apparently, he didn't know if he was or wasn't.....divorced.   Um, okay.   Somehow, I made excuses for that.  I should have run.  I would have run if I had more self confidence but...I didn't.  Then came the night he got mad at me in a bar and left me without saying goodbye because "I was ignoring him". (I had come with my friend Trish so at LEAST he didn't leave me stranded!)  Next came the fact that he stood me up, not once, but twice, at the ballpark.  Once when I had a free ticket for him (his B-day present) and once when he asked to be invited to a tailgate and then didn't show up. He was at the tailgate game, he just couldn't be bothered to come say hi.   At this point, I was pretty much done.   I barely talked to him on Twitter and was so confused about how a man who stood in my house complaining about his wife/ex-wife and how she was begging him to get back together with him...but he didn't want to and was afraid to tell her.... but when he saw himself married in the future, he saw himself married to me, (yes, I fell for that line of BS) could treat me like last nights left overs.   Oh but that wasn't the end.   Next came him sending me messages asking to meet up with my friends and myself to mountain bike together.   I wasn't rushing in to that because I figured, he had played me pretty well at that point and I wasn't really too trusting.  Good choice.   Eventually he got kind of quiet and wasn't sending me text message and there was a good reason.  It seems, he 'accidentally' got someone else pregnant.

I was crushed.  I cried.  I died a little. I lost all trust of men.  I lost all faith in love and relationships.  I lost all faith in myself to know a good man when I saw one. I became depressed.  I wanted to die.  I wanted to stop feeling. I went to a therapist.  I put my friends through hell.  I would burst into tears for nothing, I complained, I was self involved, I wasn't a very good friend because I was so wrapped up in my broken heart.  I shut down for basically 8 months...right up until the moment the kid was born.  When the baby came I sent GB a message congratulating him.  (We were still friends on Facebook and Twitter at that time and I was trying to be nice)  He sent me a message back telling me how afraid he was and how this isn't what he wanted but he was trying to do the right thing and blah, blah, blah.  I just didn't care.

My Hubs:

While all of that was going on with me, my husband was ending a very complicated 19 year relationship and marriage.   Complicated doesn't even begin to explain it.  His now ex had asked him for a divorce a year and a half before, they tried counseling, they failed.   They had agreed to file for divorce but due to his ex-wife's medical issues, they agreed to wait until she was released from the hospital.   To say they didn't like each other by that point, would be the understatement of the century.  He was actually dealing with a ton of guilt for leaving a disabled wife even though she is the one who wanted the divorce. He was also worried about his child.  He needed a friend.

The meeting:

I met my future husband, J, on Aug. 8, 2013.  We had talked on the phone for about a week before we met.  We had tweeted back and forth with some other friends for a few weeks prior to that.   My birthday was August 5th and when I met my mom for lunch that day she asked me if there was anyone new in my life.   My exact response to her was "There is this guy who I am talking to but he is just now divorcing so he is just a friend. He is funny but  I don't need that complication."   Famous. Last. Words.  

Our first meeting was lunch at Chik-fil-a.   You know that whole "Have your marriage at the first place you met" thing?  Yep, my marriage would have been full of cows and chicken mini's.   We talked, We laughed, We made goo-goo eyes at the adorable baby sitting next to us.  I liked him.  He made me smile.  I hadn't smiled in months.  He had a good heart.  He was kind.  He was honest and told me exactly everything that was going on in his life.  He was funny in that...He is so goofy you can't help but laugh at him sort of way.  (No really! He has this litany of stupid jokes he tells everyone about 5 minutes after meeting them and he won't stop no matter how much I beg him!)  He wasn't what I wanted.  I didn't want a hunter, gun owner, fisherman.  That was exactly my brother.  He was a Cowboys fan not a Rangers fan.  I mean, that is insane.  I had season tickets for crying out loud...to the Texas Rangers.   He wasn't at all right for me. Right? Maybe not. He was kind of cute and sweet.  He held my door.  He was almost a gentleman.

And then I freaked out.  He called me that night or the next, I don't remember, and told me we really need to be friends.  I told him fine because I wasn't over GB.  This annoyed him.  I was already annoyed because I felt like he was ditching me and I didn't even want a relationship with him...because he wasn't divorced yet.

The next day he called and asked me to meet him for dinner, to talk, at a biker bar.   How charming he is.  I did.  From that point on, we kind of just clicked.   We became friends.  Then he took me to see his recreational land.  It was hot, dirty, and while he was talking about how much he loved that place and how he didn't want to lose it in his divorce, I was thinking to myself, "Oh my GOD, I could fall for this guy.  He reminds me of my grandfathers".   He says that is when I fell in love with him.  I tell him it is more like when I realized I had a mad crush on him.  After that, we were just there for each other.   Okay, he was going through way more than I was but he did things for me on the rare occasion when we got a chance to see each other....(NO! I don't mean those kind of things.)  I mean he fixed things at my house.   If cooking is the way to a man's heart then fixing things is a really good start on hooking a woman!

Friends, Divorce, and Family:

Because I had put my friends through so much with GB, I decided to not share with them the things going on with J and myself.   This turned out to be a mistake with some of them.   See, I was on thin ice with them relationship wise because they pretty much hated that I let GB walk all over me, they hated GB for pulling the crap he did, and they lost all faith in my ability to make any decisions where men were concerned.   To them, there was very little difference between GB and J.

In the meantime, J and I were going through some craziness.  You think dating is hard?  Date someone who is going through a divorce and custody fight.  At different points in our getting-to-know each other, I was sure his ex was actually going to murder him.  I didn't have any guilt in our relationship because I knew that I had nothing to do with his marriage breaking up and because that marriage seemed pretty darn toxic, to me. People grow apart. It happens.

And then, when the divorce was almost final, he needed a place to stay.   I offered my house.   Yep, there is nothing about moving slow that I ever actually believed in.   When I told my friends our plan, three of them let me know in very clear terms they did not approve.   Two were diplomatic about it.  One told me I was going to hell for, well for a lot of things: Dating a married man, not waiting until the divorce was final, living with someone.  I don't really know what all I am going to hell for, exactly.  The way to get me to see your point  is not to start telling me that you know God is sending me to hell.  I didn't take that well.  I said a BUNCH of nasty things and then told this friend we were not friends anymore.   The thing is, in the process, I lost the other two friends too.   I cried, a lot.  I beat myself up for everything, even though deep down, I felt like my friends were wrong for casting judgement on J, who they had never met,  wrong for trying to make me choose between J and them and just plain wrong about our relationship, which they didn't know much about. I loved these people and I felt betrayed.  (I still love them, I don't feel betrayed anymore, I just try not to feel anything where they are concerned. The hurt is still there but it is what it is.  The friendships were never repaired.)

Next came meeting the families and the friends who stood by me.   Mom loved J.   My friend Trish and her (now) husband loved him. My brother and sister-in-law loved him.  My nephews and nieces loved him.  My friend Alaina loved him. My friend Jan loved him.  Actually, almost everyone who knows J, loves his grumpy, silly, goofy self.   I met his daughter on Thanksgiving.  My step-daughter was the big challenge for me.  He had it in his head that she had to like me or we had to break up.  No pressure there.  Luckily for me, my step-daughter loved me from the start and after knowing me a month, she started asking when her dad and I were getting married.  LOL!  He had been divorce about 2 months and we hadn't even told her we were dating.   She is a smart cookie.

(Next week....the proposal, AW!)


Question:
How did you meet your boyfriend, best friend, or spouse?   Was it totally romantic or like me, just a total fluke?