Before anyone calls me ungrateful, I am not. I have a beautiful step-daughter who loves me and who I love and who is my friend but she has a mom and I am her friend and bonus parent. I missed the baby years and the little kid years and now I have the Tweens and Teens to look forward to and I have embraced it and her. I will be there for her.
What annoys me is when I hear from people how I don't know what it is like to raise a child because I am childless. How I don't know how hard a baby is to take care of day in and day out. What people don't understand is that my mother and I were there with my brother when the triplets were born. We were there helping take care of them all the time. I gave up my life for almost two years for those girls. I had no weekends. You think it's hard to raise one baby? Try three. Have you ever bottle fed three at once because I have. Have you ever had to calm three crying newborns all by yourself because I have. Have you taken care of babies on respirators, because I have. Yet, somehow, still I don't qualify for knowing what it takes to be a parent. The kids don't need me now so I don't see them everyday. Well of course not, they are almost eleven. They have a life. I have a life. They aren't my kids.
I don't have kids and I never will. I don't need people to remind me of that. I missed my chance because I didn't marry the wrong person young and have a child with them. For reasons that I can't go in to, it looks like adoption isn't available to me either. So I cry. I mourn the kids I wanted. I have a big hole in my heart, a child size hole that will never be filled and a lot of regrets. That's my truth. That's my life. That wasn't my choice. What I do not need is anyone telling me I am wrong to want a child because I am too old. What I do not need is anyone telling me how much a child costs and how unrealistic I am.
Maybe I am stupid. I just always thought love would find a way. I guess I was wrong in that too. Maybe I want to see God's plan where it isn't. God isn't asking me to open my heart and my life. Maybe I just wish He was. Maybe I am naive to think a child that needs a home and a home that is availabe to a child is a good fit but maybe that isn't always the case. Maybe I made a mistake.