Friday, January 30, 2015

Weekend Update: Exciting news

I never hardly ever, blog on the weekend so it has to be something pretty amazing to get me to actually buckle down and write schedule a blog for a Saturday or Sunday.  God rested on the 7th day and I am fully and completely in agreement with the Lord, we all need a break.

So, the BIG News that got me to blog?

Okay, I find this exciting and a little frightening but here goes nothing! 

My 2015 word is consistent and to keep me honest and make me work at my blog, I have decided to host 2 weekly hops.  Mostly because I am crazy and because my husband has agreed to support me in my efforts to grow the blog (and in the future, our business) Yay him!  I love him!  (XO).  I found a keeper! 

So, the rules are simple and I am completely hoping,wishing for,  needing a co-hostess or two who want to undertake either of these hops so please, if you are interested, message me and let me know! 

The Wednesday and Thursday Hops info can be found on this page.  I will set them up with an Inlinkz. link up so everyone can join in the fun.   

Alright that is part 1 of my exciting news.  Part 2?  My husband said to me Friday morning "Why don't you ever blog about me?" (Isn't he cute?) so I am going to finally write the "Our Love Story" post.  I know this isn't exciting to anyone but me but it makes me completely happy.  Expect a Valentines special filled with the mayhem, high speed car chases, gun play,  drama, death and destruction that is our love story.   Okay, that may actually be stretching the truth.  Nobody actually died in the process of us become a we.  Not literally anyway! :) 

Step-Mom diary: Step Mom is a Dirty word

Today I am sharing a new feature in my blog.  I am sharing, in a brutally honest way, my struggle and joys of being a step-mom. 


I follow a few blogs about being a step mom and have listened to a few podcasts but everything seems to deal with the troubles of the ex.  I'm not struggling with the ex.  I leave that to him.  They have found a way to co-exist and that's fine by me.  They have both moved on and both remarried so all they really share now is my stepdaughter.  

What I desperately struggle with is being an instant mom figure.  A mom with no legal rights, no sense of purpose and a limited history with the child.  I have known her just over a year.  I love her. I want the best for her.  I want to be the best for her.  I want to set a good example and be a positive influence.  I just feel like I fail, a lot.  

Sometimes I feel like I am walking a tight rope.  She lives with us half the time and we get along great except when she gets frustrated with me.  She has a bit of a smart mouth and I have a bit of a strong will. We both have tempers. 

I don't know how to handle everything.   I am a newly wed who has never had a husband. Being married is a huge change for me.  I am just learning to share myself with my husband. I am also a step mother who has no children.  Being a mother figure has no reality for me.   This isn't the way I envisioned things.  This wasn't my plan.  My plan was to do things the way "everyone" does them: Get married in my 20's, learn to be married, get pregnant, have a child, and learn to be a mother while the child is learning to roll over.  Reality can be just so overwhelming! 

There's more.  My stepdaughter's mother has an illness and is disabled.  This has effected this child in ways I can't explain and you probably would be saddened to hear.  To say this little girl has been forced to grow up too soon is about as simplistic as I can make it.  She has, out of necessity been her mother's caretaker at times.  She lost her childhood to things no kid should have to do.  She is smart and she has handled it, but she is still just a child of 11 and sometimes she forgets that.  Sometimes I forget that.  I struggle with how to get her to listen and how to not loss my mind. I realize this is something all parents face but not knowing my place makes it a struggle I wasn't prepared to handle.  I am out of my element. 

Because her mother started becoming very ill just after her birth, my stepdaughter has never had a healthy mother and her mother has been forced to make decisions to put her health infront of everything and everyone.  I have watched my stepdaughter, a seemingly tough little girl, with tears in her eyes when she thought her mom wasn't going to show up for her Christmas Choir program.  I sat in the auditorium desperately trying to get her attention to point out that her mom actually just showed up a little late. (I am sure it is difficult. Nothing is probably fast when you have to get a motorized chair into a van). I have seen the anger, and felt it, when she asks me to take her somewhere her mom can't or won't. I have watched her struggle with feeling, somewhere deep down, like her mother doesn't love her.  I have encouraged her time and again to give her mom a break and to appreciate the time she has with her mom, to talk to her mom, to appreciate her mom. I have told her over and over that her mom does love her and that it can't be easy for her mom. 

I have shared with my step-daughter my story of the the loss of my daddy at 5 years old to cancer.  I have explained to her how much I would have given to have time with my dad. I have shared with her my struggles with my own Step-Dad and how it took me years and years and years to realize he did his best. 

I am not perfect.  I try but sometimes I feel, in a place I am not proud of, jealous of my husband and his daughter.  I am jealous that he has her.  I am jealous that she has him.  I feel, at times, like I don't have either of them.  I feel left out.  He says I leave myself out.  Maybe that is true.  I keep explaining to him, I don't know how to do this.  I am learning on the job. 

Before we got married and moved we saw my stepdaughter every other weekend and 5 weeks in the summer.  We were the fun house. We got married Sept. 13, 2014, we moved into the new house Sept. 15 and boom! We have her every other week 12 days later.  The dust hadn't settled before she became a child torn between two homes and two sets of rules.   I don't want her to hate me but I want to establish rules.  To his credit, hubby has been very supportive of this.  He has been very supportive of my mothering his child.  My problem is, I am not her mother.  She has a mother.  I am her friend.  I am stuck because I don't know how to enforce rules in my own house when I feel like, she thinks we are equals.  

I'm sure with time this stuff gets better.  I'm sure with time this stuff gets easier.  Four and a half months isn't enough time to have it all figured out.  I'm just so worried that in my trying to figure it out I will manage to alienate both my husband and my stepdaughter.  Rock and a hard place.  

So I would love to hear from anyone and everyone who has words of wisdom or encouragement.  I would love to hear from anyone who has advice on step-mothering.  I would love to hear from...anyone who can shed light on any of this.  Can someone just tell me it all will be okay? 


This isn't my first blog about being a step-parent check HERE for more thoughts on life as a step mom.  Also related Here and especially THIS post, one of my favorites about my struggles with coming to terms with not being a 'mom'.

Finally, if you are interested in my Thankful Thursday blog hop, It is still open!  I would love to have someone join in and co-host this thing if anyone is interested.

Click here for Thankful Thursday!

Also, because a few folks have expressed an interest, I am going to host some form of a What I'm Loving Wed hop.   Check my blog page for more info and we will try and get that one going next week!

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Wordpress or Blogspot that is the question

Question of the day

In an effort to run a better blog, I have spent a lot of time reading blogs on tips, listening to podcasts, signing up for emails and working on my blog product.  My goal is to increase following and page views, meet new bloggers, become engaged with people and hopefully to share positivity and a little DIY here and there.  Eventually, I hope to turn Simply Me into a business but I hesitate about ads and sponsorship. Am I selling out? 

I see a lot of back and forth on the platform and who to use, blogspot or Wordpress.  I am curious about changing.  I even set up a Wordpress account to get ready for the change (the free one) and then I chickened out.  

So tell me, what are the advantages of Wordpress?  How did you feel when you started thinking of your blog as a business instead of just a place to share and grow? What are your tips for blog success? 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Thankful Thursday Blog Hop!

For those of you new to my blog, I decided in December to make Thursday a blog about being Thankful.  I decided to go ahead and create a Blog Hop so if you love the idea of sharing what you are thankful for grab my button and link up below.  If anyone wants to co-sponsor this link, I am totally willing to share the love and thankfulness.  Send me a note and we can talk! I didn't really tell anyone or promote this so I am leaving this hop open until Tuesday if anyone wants to join in.  Also, I intend to make this a weekly post even if I am the only one posting! :)  I hope someone joins in however....or a lot of someones.  


Here are the things I am super thankful for this week: 

My marriage.  
Don't misunderstand me, marriage is hard work.  Learning to be married has been a struggle for me and for him? Well, I can't answer for him but we are constantly working on being calmer together.  We have been married 4 months but sometimes it feels like years. My hubby isn't romantic but every once in a while the sweetest things come out of his mouth that make me feel so good about myself.  I'm so thankful he came into my life. 

Answered prayers.  
God has been working overtime.  That's all I really want to say. 

My time being single:
You know the funny thing? When I was single all I wanted to be was married.  When I was single I thought being single meant something was wrong with me.  Now I look back at my single time and realize it was a gift of many years.   I didn't have to figure out who I was outside of my marriage because I already knew.  I have untapped strength because of all those years of doing for myself.  

I am so very thankful for the ability to laugh and to make others laugh.  With laughter comes healing, comfort, and shared joy. 


My failed relationships: 
I am so thankful they failed.  When I look back on them, I see so many things that were wrong.  I see people who didn't deserve to have me in their lives.  When I look back I see a me that was emotionally unhealthy and sometimes weak.  I am thankful for the failure that made me stronger and the pain that forced me to grow and become a better person.  

My readers: 
Honestly I don't know who most of you are and what your motivation for reading the wild rambling and insights from a ginger-mind but I thank you for stopping by everyday and for following me.  I especially appreciate my followers so please feel free to go and follow me via bloglovin or email!  (How's that for a pitch?) 

Okay here are some less serious things I am thankful for: 

Oh how I miss you!  Cheese you are gooey and delicious grilled, on pizza and tacos.  You add that little joy to the world.  I just wish you didn't also add that little pudge to the gut! 

It works

My workout machine: 
The lady that owned the house before us left it for me.  Yes the little meter is tied on because the hook on the back is broken but it works and I love it! I can workout and spend time with the family.  Well, ok if they want to watch my bottom wiggling, they spend time. ;) 

Fruit ice: 
This stuff has saved me.  Water, fruit, and ice.  It's kind of like ice cream but good for you.  

Oh this is a daily thanks moment.  If you missed my obsession, I think this is the second or third time this week I mention coffee. 

This is heaven 

It's almost time:
Baseball Spring Training starts in less than a month!  I live for baseball...okay, I use to live for it.  I just can't wait for it now. 

My blog:
I am really thankful for the outlet and I am devoting 2015 to becoming a better, more positive blogger.  I have made some awesome friends through blogging and I have been listening and reading and doing a bunch of research on just how to be a productive blogger.   There will be many changes to the blog in 2015 but my focus will always be sharing experiences of life and lots of DIY!

Okay, that's it.  What are you thankful for?   What are the big and little things that matter most in your life?

Thankful Thursday:

Note: This blog was posted in December 2014, not January 2015
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I decided to dedicate my Thursday blog to being Thankful. (If you are reading this early it's because I am testing this platform)   This is something I have wanted to concentrate on for a long time in an effort to enjoy the gifts I have and be more positive focused. I am testing this until the New Year so don't get excited about the simple link and button.  The day and title may change for 2015 but I am focusing on making 2015 a year of positive energy!  Also, if you are interested in co-hosting the blog hop, let me know.  

Alright so what are the rules (for now?) Choose 5 things you are thankful for this week and link up! That's it.  

So without further ado, here is what I am THANKFUL for: 

-My husband is the hardest worker I have ever seen and he simply never questions anything that needs done, he just does it.  If there is dirty laundry after a weekend in the country, I can't even get to it before him if I try.   He says he "never stops" and that is true.  

-Hubby makes the coffee every morning.  God I love him for this more than he knows! 

-My friends are trying to organize a once a month girls night.  When I got married and moved across town, it became much more difficult to spend time with the girls so having a set date is going to be really helpful! 

-My dog door.  
We lived without the dog door for two months in the new house and besides having to clean 'accidents' on a daily basis,  the constant in and out was super annoying. The dogs are getting use to the door and I am thrilled to have it! 

-Hemi engines:
When I got my new Ram, I had no idea how I was going to fall in love with this machine.  The Hemi just rocks.  You have all this power and get up and go!  Thank you Dodge!  Thank you for making an awesome truck.   

Ok, that's my spin this week.  If you have stuff you are thankful for, link up below and help me share in your happiness! 

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What I'm Loving Wednesday: It's all about the base

Is it wrong to start out my What I am loving post with my new blog sight?  I picked fabric that I love and that matches my kitchen.  (Wouldn't that make amazing seat cushions for table chairs in a country kitchen?)

Urban Decay Naked
I have tried many, many, many foundations and I honestly can't say enough about Urban Decay Naked.   It is light and so natural looking.   I love that it fixes my 'Faults' and still feels like I have no make-up on.   Best of all, Ulta told me when I was in Saturday they have a whole bunch of new stuff coming out excited.   BTW, these glasses are my emergency, I forgot glasses-glasses.
Trader Joe's Obsession
I love so many things from Trader Joe's but these nut butters are rocking my world right now in the midst of this Whole 30 challenge.   I am not perfect, BTW.  I cheat with Stevia in my coffee.  I admit it but to be honest, I can't find any reason not to use Stevia.  Aside from that, I have done pretty well. I don't have the sugar cravings and I am not missing my diet soda anymore.   I love eating veggies and fruit so much and I forgot that because chocolate and chips were always easier.  Anyway, add Trader Joe's organic salsa to the list of stuff I love from them and you have my new go to list of 'junk' foods.

This stuff is so awesome. I can't wait until I can actually use it.  

So pretty...for a gun!
I have been bugging my hubby for my own gun thinking if I use the same gun and get familiar with it I will be a better shot and ready to take down that wild hog. We had been talking about buying me a .247 when I asked him about a 30-06 and he realized 1.hey that's a great idea and 2. I have one I don't use!  Best part of this?  I get to pick out a Valentines Day gift now that isn't a gun and this beautiful gun is mine to use!  I already know what I want and have it picked out.   I am so excited.  Can you say BLING?

Because I can never stick to one topic on Wed!

These Pins.  If you don't follow me on Pinterest, click on the link and you can keep up with all the things I am pinning but I picked out a few favs. 


I like the idea of framing the TV with wood planks. I think I might just put some planks directly on the wall and center the TV on it instead of doing floor to ceiling.

Peel-And-Stick Wood Panels Provide An Instant Reclaimed Look | Co.Design | business + design
I am so doing one of these!

Repurposed Window Shutter Projects • Tutorials and ideas, including this shutter entryway organizer from Pinterest!
Doing this!

Products Hand Painted Furniture - page 2
I have two dressers that are going to get redone and one (at least) will be like this!
Texas Rangers T-shirt quilt

I totally want this baseball shirt
I have this discussion CONSTANTLY!


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Bonus Blog Tuesday! Thinking off guard: beware the crazy

Have you ever thought about your own thoughts?  Do they go from 0-300 in 2.4 seconds like mine?  Here's a few examples: 

- He said my butt looks smaller.  He is looking at my butt! 

-Why does my dog feel the need to be the cream in the Oreo cookie in bed? Doesn't she know you can't eat cookies in bed? 


-I really want to go on Flea Market Flip. My hubby and I could win that!  That counts as quality time as a couple, right? 

-Should I dye my hair? Will my husband notice or is he too busy looking at my butt? 

-How long before you take birthdays of people you use to know off your phone calendar? If I keep putting it off, I may be celebrating birthdays of people who hate me that the Christian thing to do? 

-Kitchen magic: when only one person in the house can see the floor needs swept. 

-Do men have garage magic because I gotta tell Ya, I never care how dirty it looks. 

-Mmm, coffee! When God sent manna from heaven it was really instant coffee, I know it! 

-People really wait outside for 24 hours for a new Krispy Kreme?  I'm thinking donuts now.  Great there goes my smaller butt! 

-Deflategate: what happens when you squeeze a boob too hard especially at the wrong time of the month?  What? It's about balls? Well I'm not going there!  Oh footballs! Well the Patriots cheat. I know because I saw it on South Park. 

-What blizzard? It's going to be 70 today in Dallas. I would love a Texas Style blizzard which means everything shuts down with some snow/ice combo.  Bring on the blizzard. 

-Do people oversees really like President Obama that much?  They can keep him if they want. 

-Why don't people pay me to tweet and blog and spend a day on Pinterest?  Have you seen my Pinterest?  I have some good stuff on there.  I mean, really!  

-He noticed my butt! 

Whole 30 Week 1 plus cravings

I finished my first 7 days on the Whole 30 program Sunday.  Just a reminder, in this plan you eat meat, veggies, and fruit.  You give up highly processed foods and make whole food choices.  

These are a few of my meals/snacks from last week.   I honestly don't think anything has been harder than reasonable.  I have found alternatives for everything except how to get my morning coffee a little sweet.  I admitted yesterday that I occasionally add Stevia in because, well I can't figure out why Stevia, a natural sweetener that doesn't effect blood sugar, is really bad.  

Honestly except for an occasional chocolate craving which I satisfy with some form of fruit, I am good. 

Okay, truth here, I sleep like crap most of the time but this last week I have been dead to the world.   I haven't had any trouble sleeping and when my husband, a closet 2am insomniac wakes me up accidentally,  I have no problem getting back to sleep.   I wake up refreshed too.  I admit that mid-afternoon I am tired but overall, it goes away.  

I did manage to get a couple in last week.  I will be much happier when I get about 3 more a week but I consider this a tiny victory.  

Concentration and Clarity: 
I haven't noticed any great advancements on my concentration at work but I think my "brain fog" is better. Honestly, my mind jumps around like crazy all the time and I am still fighting my slight OCD issues but hey, this is a healthy eating plan not a miracle plan. 

I still get headaches a lot but they aren't horrible headaches so that's good.  I'm not sure that I totally give credit to the eating, although food does effect headaches.  The simple reason? I get cluster migraines and I haven't been in a cluster for a few months.  Thank you God! 

Food & more Food: 
Overall, this is a good experience so far.  I find healthy food requires just a little planning and when I dig in, I remember how wonderful good-for-you food actually tastes.  I do miss my occasional glass of wine on the weekends but it isn't anything I am struggling with, yet anyway.    
I have made a few smoothies to cure my cravings for ice cream but although I realize the Whole 30 prefers that you don't, I kept them completely within agreement with the plan using veggies, coconut milk or water,  and some fruit like banana or mango.   The one day that I made a breakfast smoothie, I used a little almond butter for protein.   

Ok that's week one in a nutshell.   If you asked me today if I would recommend this, I would whole heartedly say yes!  In fact, I am feeling so good that I think I am going to switch to a mostly Paleo lifestyle when this is over.  My family isn't suffering either.  We make adjustments for their carb needs and I am happy to share any healthy goodies with them.  In fact, having fruit in the house has been a great thing for them.  They turn to that when they need a quick snack and that makes me happy! 

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Weekend Recap: Gardening, Diy, and Turnips

Happy Monday!

I only had one day off this weekend but extra money is a good thing so I don't mind working Saturday! 
Retro feeling so perfect!

I finally was able to put my kitchen back together after the counter tops finished curing.
Love it!
I am so stinking pleased with the way this turned out.  

He works so hard!
We started plowing the north 40...ah, garden.
Onions are my fav
And we got some onions planted! I am so excited to have the garden and the ability to grow my own food! 

I have two current food obsessions: 

Healthy too

The first is turnips! I made roasted turnips Sunday.  I am in love with these.  They are so yum! Just a little oil, garlic, salt, pepper and if you want to add parm (because you can eat cheese, do it) 
Bake at 425 turning occasionally and in about 25 minutes...perfection. 

The second is 
Mangos!  Fresh ones from the store. I even am learning how to cut these things. I can't get enough of them!  I add them to salads, drinks, and just eat them off the pit.  Truth be told, I have never really been a mango eater but at Christmas time my new neighbor, Caroline, brought us a beautiful fruit and nut basket.  She filled it with bananas, apples, grapes and two amazing mangos!   

Secret under the carpet 

I finally got the courage to pull up a corner of carpet to take a gander at my hardwoods and was totally happy to see these beauties in the making sitting under the stupid carpet.  Besides making our home more beautiful it will add so much value to the house.  

My converted dining table-coffee table 
See this giant coffee table? This is my next makeover project.  I am super excited to share it with you...really soon. 

I also want to take a minute to thank everyone who sent me private messages about my last post.  I really appreciate all the love and support. You all are the best! 

I love him.  He wore himself out working this weekend. 

Friday, January 23, 2015

Because I am too old, that is why....


Let me be honest, we aren't trying to get pregnant. We aren't going to have kids.  Have you read the statistics facing a 44 year old woman who tries to get pregnant?  Sometime after 35 it becomes difficult and by the time you hit 40 it is a real struggle.  I'm 44 and my husband (yes, it matters) is 47 so it would take a literal act of God. 

Coming to terms with me being childless has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I do my internal self talk every day to remind myself to be happy with what I have.  After all, is it really that important that someone call me "Mommy"?  I sit here crying while I type because I guess somewhere inside, it is. 

Before I got married I felt like I was the last woman on earth and blogger without a husband.  Now I feel like I am the last woman on earth who hasn't been pregnant.  Who doesn't have a child of her own. 

People don't mean to say hurtful things. Sometimes they don't think.  Sometimes they are just clueless.  Do you know how many times I have heard the words "You can't understand because you don't have kids"?  Do you know how many times I have fought back tears when I hear things like that?  I hear them from friends, co-workers, family.  No, I don't know but I also don't need to be reminded that I don't know.   I do know some things most parents don't know thanks to my triplet nieces but I don't share that because coming from a childless woman, I have no pedigree. 

Then there are the well meaning friends who say "You should be glad you don't have any kids.  They are _____" fill in the blank with exhausting, time consuming, difficult, expensive,  a lot of work...whatever they think will make me feel better about being childless.  All my friends my age are looking forward to empty nests and travel.  Me? I would give my left lung to have a newborn and twenty two years of bills. 

Next there are the friends who tell me "you should be satisfied with the amazing step-daughter that God has put in your life, who loves you and who needs you."  They are right.  They are and I am.   Except that I will never have a chance to know her as a baby and see her grow or to understand the memories she has with her dad. They have a shorthand when they talk, that they developed over time and I feel so left out sometimes.  Maybe I alienate myself. I can't shake this feeling that being a step-mom is like being an aunt with a fancy title.  You have no real say and nobody really cares what you think.  I don't know.  I do know that I will never get to change her diaper or teach her to talk. (Mostly, to be honest, with an 11 year old you are trying to convince them to be quiet for a bit not encourage talking.) I will never get to feel a child grow inside me and get to experience all the joys of firsts and pregnancy: morning sickness, swelling feet, baby kicking, maternity cloths, labor pains, giving birth, holding my child in my arms, taking him or her home, sleepless nights, rocking them to sleep, and that moment where you get to watch them sleep and be in total awe that they are yours and God has granted you this amazing gift.  

There are also a few friends, good hearted souls, who tell me not to give up.  It can/will happen if God wants it to.  They even tell me stories of people who got pregnant in the all too famous "Whoops".   Yes, it does happen every once in a bazillion times.   Odds are not on my side.  Reality isn't either.  Reality is, I missed any chance I have of having my own child. Maybe I should have settled for a baby-daddy when I was younger? These thoughts could drive me insane, if I let them. I live in the real world whenever I can face it

There are all these blogs that I read where women are struggling trying to get pregnant and facing the disappointment every month.  I don't even have the disappointment to look forward to, just the inevitable knowledge that it will not ever be.  

Then there are the dreams.  The dreams that come every month right before my period hits.  The dreams of me holding my baby in my arms.  The dreams of a little girl with red curls and hazel eyes. The dreams of my step-daughter who would make an amazing big sister.  The dreams of my husband who is a silly man but a great dad and the ability to share that individual love and pride of a child, together.  To be able to watch him with a baby, something I didn't get to do.  To be able to share with him a son or daughter.  To give him the son he didn't have to take hunting and fishing.  To go to T-ball and cheer for my child.  These dreams of a child that haunts me and I wake up thinking, why am I torturing myself in my dreams?  The baby is always there, waiting but never real. 

When I was 5, after my father's death, I dreamt of him every night.  He would come to me in my dreams, wake me, and we would have wonderful adventures.  In the morning he would bring me back to my bed and kiss me before he left me to wake.  One night about a year after he passed, as he was tucking me back in to bed in the morning, he told me he needed to talk to me.  He said he couldn't come to me anymore.  He said this night was the last time I would ever dream of him.  I argued, I pleaded with him, I cried but he told me it was time for him to leave now.  That morning he went up through what my 5-6 year old mind processed as an elevator to heaven and when I woke I thought, he will come tonight.  He didn't mean it when he said he wouldn't, it was a dream.   He didn't come again.  Ever again.   

I almost look forward to the time when the actual dreams of having a baby and holding my child and rocking her and singing, off key, of course, go away.  I almost look forward to that moment when every last light of hope has died inside my heart so this hole in my heart can be taped or super glued or just plain back filled.   It isn't giving up, not really.  Not when you have no actual chance. 

I don't know why it won't just go away.  The feelings and desire to have a baby.  I don't know why I write about it.  Nobody cares. Maybe if I write about it, the feelings will go away?  Nothing is going to change my age and my old eggs but I guess this is the only place I can talk about it.  Everyone in my life just wants me to get over it and I try.  I try really hard to accept reality.  I try faking it. Fake it til you make it!   I try not to let my husband see my pain because he can't understand it. He never will understand the ache and the pain that is just there below the surface.  He has a child whom he adores with every beat of his heart.  I am happy and maybe just a bit jealous when I watch them together. I try not to be envious of girls who met their guy when it wasn't too late and who didn't have to try to get pregnant because it just happened.  I am happy for everyone who is pregnant and excited for them, don't get me wrong.  I try not read baby bump blog updates but when I do, I am always happy for the women who are experiencing all this joy.  

I would love to adopt. I don't need to have a baby, baby.  I think a two year old would be just about perfect.  I would love to be able to afford to adopt and then raise a child.  That isn't the reality I live with.  Adoption is expensive.   Adoption would cost about one third of my mortgage.   

Don't get me wrong, it isn't about pity.  I love my life, except for the child sized hole.  Sometimes I even think maybe me not being a mom is a good thing.  I won't have the chance to screw up or face the constant worry that comes with parenthood.  Sometimes I think I am too selfish to be a parent.  Sometimes I think...too much. 

                  Linking up with Texas Women Bloggers for Sweet Tea Social

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