Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Triplets: three times the Gift from God

11 years ago today God blessed my family with triplets.  In the time I have been lucky enough to be their aunt I have watched them grow from tiny little creatures hooked up to feeding tubes to loving, beautiful, smart, amazing individuals.  

What I have learned from my nieces is a priceless gift.  You see, from birth they clearly had their own personalities even though they had experienced absolutely everything the same.  No two babies handled anything exactly alike.  No two toddlers liked the same thing.  No two children today process hurt, anger, love, affection, or independence the same.  Each girl has her own special set of gifts, likes, dislikes, and each has a very distinct personality.   Each child is a unique individual and while their lives have not been perfect, they have each learned to process and cope in their own special way. 

When they were little, people couldn't tell them apart.  I never understood this, mostly because they don't look alike. Today if you know them, you know they are completely different people but people who are connected to their sister with a special bond.  They go their own ways, playing different sports, liking different foods, having different strengths.  One is mouthy and tough on the outside.  One wears her heart on her sleeve.  One is a little con-artist. I adore them each for who she is and I can't imagine our lives without them.  

They have taught me so much about myself. Before them I thought we were all a victim of our circumstance, but they have the same basic circumstance and they are different.  From them I realized it isn't the things you face that create who you are but how you respond to them. None of us have a perfect life but we all have our personalities.  We can also overcome anything, even ourselves.  

Today I am thankful for these three babies who came into my life and have given me unconditional love for 11 years. I am thankful that each day, they remind me to be better, sweeter, stronger, and not afraid to eat a bowl of strawberries or chocolate cake or meat and potatoes...because that's how they roll. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Forgiveness Project: Saying my peace & letting go


I have been working lately on growing and part of that growth has been learning to forgive things from my past.   Mistakes I made and people who hurt me.  Trust has never been my strongest characteristic, with good reason.  With that in mind, I have decided it is time to formally forgive those who hurt me, not for them, for me.   So while I am saying my peace and forgive these folks, they won't be mentioned by any form of name. 

1.  Frankly you rarely cross my mind but that is mostly because of the way our friendship ended which was so cold and hateful and while almost every other friend I have lost over the years I have, at least some sense of responsibility for the end, with you I have none.  I honestly feel sorry for you. As attractive as you are on the outside it is as hateful as you are inside.  Obviously this isn't an apology.  This is forgiveness so I forgive you.  I hope you find some peace someday and I hope you stop trying to compete with your sibling and just learn to like yourself.  Maybe then other people will like you.  I hope you also learn to stop stabbing people in the back.  All the things you did to me, honestly made me laugh but I know you meant to hurt me so I do forgive you. Forgiven

2. We said some horrible thing to each other when our friendship ended and somehow I ended up the "bad guy" in the situation but the truth is you were out of line and while I will never understand how you could treat someone who was suppose to be a friend the way you treated me and you hurt me in a way no man ever has,  I hope your life improves because frankly you have always seem so angry, it makes me sad. I also know you don't care about my forgiveness and you don't care about me.  That's ok.  I am not asking to be friends with you.  I don't want to be friends again, honestly.  I would never trust you again after the things you said.  I forgive you for the hurtful things you said and the judgement you brought down on me.  You were wrong in the end, so it doesn't matter. Forgiven

3. Forgiving you means I have to actually think about you and that is something I try not to do but just this once, so I can let this go forever, here goes.  I forgive you for the lies and yes, they were lies.  I forgive you for your indecisiveness.  I actually thank you for that because I am with my husband because of that.  I forgive you for walking out on me. I forgive you for using me.  I forgive you for your lapse in pretty much anything close to honor or manhood. I am glad you found some, finally.   I forgive you for using my friends which, let's be honest, is what you do, to make yourself feel important. Most see through you, that's okay.  I even forgive you for being a huge reason why some of my friends didn't trust my judgement when it came to my relationship with my future husband. In the end I found out who my real friends are because of you but in the meantime you caused so many problems you don't even know about and you caused a lot of pain.   You are also a huge reason why I gained an amazing husband and family so because of that, and because I just don't care to carry the pain of you for the rest of my life, I forgive you. Forgiven

4. Your behavior hurts people I love and adore and I do not know how you continue to pull your stunts and look them in the eye.  I am so unclear how and why you do the things you do and how you live with your lies and criminal behavior.  You really should be in jail.  I forgive you but I am watching you and I will be there to pick up the pieces when you implode and you will.  I refuse to let those I love pay the price for your 'crazy'. I would ask you to get help but I know you don't want it.  I will simply forgive you, until tomorrow or the day after when you screw up again. Forgiven

Well, that's it.  I wrote my peace and can let go. I don't have anything to do with 3 out of 4 people and the 4th will never be out of my life until one of us dies so there is that.  There are probably a couple of other people I could add but I just don't really know that I have anything to really say.  Sometimes, you just stop being close and life goes on.  Sometimes you should never have been close to begin with. 

While I am forgiving I should say there are things I need to forgive myself for as well.  Falling for the wrong man, trusting the wrong friends, letting myself be used and getting angry at dumb things are probably the most important.   I learned from those things and forgive myself those things as well. Also, I am not perfect, shocker, I know, and probably need forgiveness from others but this is about me forgiving to heal not asking forgiveness. 

Marriage: Becoming "and Laura"

*A funny thing happened when I got married,  I became "and Laura" as in husband and wife.   Suddenly everyone was saying his name "and Laura", my mail was coming "and Laura" at first I didn't think anything about it but last night I realized my auto insurance carrier, mine you see, had sent my renewal policy to us with his name on the mail "and Laura".   I have had this policy since I was 18 years old.  I am 44.  You do the math.  

So I sit here reminding myself marriage is about becoming a "we" and wondering does that mean I have to totally lose me?  Do I become a second thought for the rest of my life?  I know I am not in his mind.  I know I am not in the dogs mind. I guess that will have to be enough because suddenly apparently the rest of the world has reverted to 1952 and I am only "and Laura".  

*some of this is tongue in cheek and some is kind of weird observation 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Welcome to the Good Life

Blessed by Busy: 

For the last six months my life has become so busy that I have had a hard time finding moments of peace.  (Even to write which is my release and why I hardly blog right now). It's been a whirlwind of selling a house, planning a wedding, buying a house, unpacking, learning the ropes of wife, step-mom, home owner in a different part of town, getting ID's changed, names changed, just everything and then you add on the constant flux at work where my team has sustained hit after hit from either turnover or promotion.   Something had to give. 

What ended up giving was my sanity and my Jason Aldean concert.   Last weekend I was suppose to go see him in concert and I was looking forward to it. See, Florida Georgia Line is the second act and I was pretty excited.  Until the day came and suddenly I found myself at church instead of the concert.  Turns out I needed God this week.  I needed time in prayer and with God at His house. 

The week didn't get less crazy.  We ended up losing another employee and because of that, I had to send my husband out of town without me so I can work this weekend.   I am disappointed but I am trying not to worry.  Trying!   

Oh and I traded in my Jeep because simply put, it had to be done.   I decided I wanted a pickup this time.  Crazy as this sounds, I am totally in love with my truck!  I had driven my husbands a couple of times and realized that you sure can see better. 
So, I decided on Burnt Orange and although I have never named a vehicle before, this one is definitely "BEVO". 

I have been praying lately.  Praying for my friends who I don't see much because we got busy, married, and complicated lives all at the same time.  Praying for my family, of course. Praying for peace at work. Praying for Ebola victims and for friends I use to have who I lost contact with that they find the happiness they deserve. I even pray for my dogs, that they listen better and stop driving me crazy.  I love the little pains!  The funny thing about this praying is that I have realized it makes me feel better.  For a long time, I was sad about some things that happened in the past and some hurt I experienced when friendships or relationships ended.  Now, I pray for those people and it has given me peace. For a long time I worried about marrying and having kids and now, I thank God for the amazing life He made me wait for and the husband, child, and the house in the country where I can find peaceful moments to pray.  
How could you not be peaceful when this is your backyard, complete with a little red barn and the other homes are an acre away?  

What I found out, mostly is that in the middle of busy, when I am missing my friends, my down time, and my alone time, that I am surrounded by blessings like children who love me, family who needs me, and a couple of crazy dogs who think I hung the moon.   Life changes and it is up to me to change with it and make it a positive without worrying too much because in the end, God has this and today, everyday is the good life.  


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