Thursday, May 31, 2012

Blog Update: It's Okay Thursday

It is okay that I have a really serious addiction to Rangers clothing, right?

I want this dress. I don't really wear red but I don't care.

It is okay that I am dreaming about drinks. Coffee, diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Cherry Coke are my new Bradley, Blake and Ryan.

It is okay that I wrote a different blog for today and left my iPad at home.

It's okay that my friend sent me this today and I laughed, out loud, for a long time. This is just true!

It's okay that I am trying a new mobile publisher for my blog and it may not work. That's life. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don't.

It's okay that sometimes to find yourself you have to walk away from yourself. Even for a minute.

It's okay that I am finally learning stuff I should have learned 20 years ago. I'm slow.

And it's okay that all of my friends think I am too nice, too sweet, or too innocent. I am none of these things. I just prefer to give people a chance or two and on very rare occasions three. Once I am done with you, there is no going back. I cut all ties and walk away. Just ask all of my exs. Well, you can't because I don't know how to reach them. See?

Happy Thursday!!!


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

What I'm Loving Wednesday!

This one is a stretch for me today. I am not loving a lot. I'm not in a bad mood just incredibly tired. This is a combination of having no sleep Sunday, too much alcohol last weekend, and being up too late last night/this morning.

So, what I am loving is that my sweet friend Rachel offered to help me have a wild and crazy weekend for my birthday in August. We are thinking road trip! I am thinking I would like nothing more than to go somewhere and be someone else for a weekend. Who knows what kind of craziness could happen? I will need a couple more friends to have a really cray time but I have an idea or two.

I am loving Twitter. I know I don't say this enough but I have met some of the most special, sweet, wonderful friends from Twitter. I thank God for them and I thank the Texas Rangers. I know social media gets a bad rap and everyone doesn't understand but I truly have some great friends and I can honestly say that no matter what, I don't regret meeting anyone I have met on Twitter. Yet, anyway.

I am loving this rain. It isn't helping me stay awake but I love this weather. Right up until my Rangers game tonight gets cancelled.

I am loving me. Wow, it has taken my entire life for me to say that. I love that I know who I am and exactly what I want and for the first time ever I won't apologize for it and I am no longer willing to compromise it either.

I am loving the way I am really starting to see myself. I am loving that I can actually see pictures of myself and not make my friends retake them multiple times to get a good shot of me. I am loving that when my friends tell me I look hot, for the first time ever, I can actually see that I am cute. (Hot is a different level...see cute, not hot.)

I am loving that when I go places, men see me. They actually see me. I am not trying to sound vain or self absorbed. When you struggle with weight issues no matter which side of the scale you are on, you feel like the ugliest person to ever live. For the first time neither my weight nor bulimia are dictating how I feel about myself. For the first time I see that guys look, smile, and are interested. Some are too young. Some are way too old. Some are too married. Still it is nice they look.

I am loving country music. I quit listening to sports talk in the mornings a few weeks ago and started listening to music. Mostly country. I won't apologize for being a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll.

I am loving that the only rules I am living by now are my own. They aren't hard. Don't hurt anyone. Use that giant heart God gave you. Always walk with God. Don't be afraid to take a risk. Don't be afraid to get hurt. After all, anything worth having is worth a risk. I won't lie. I want it all. I want the happily ever after. If I get bumps and bruises in the process we will just chalk it up to lessons learned. And the final rule: love first, last, and forever.

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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Tuesday's Blog: Weekend Stew

I just have to say, if I were getting another dog, I would name him Yu or Darvish because that man just makes baseball fun! So do a ton of runs and that was my Rangers Friday night.

Saturday Trish, Rachel and I went to the Casting Crowns pre-game concert. This is my favorite picture of us. Don't we look cute in our hats?

This game was long and hot! (All I could think about was a shower!) It ended up a 13 inning affair that was capped off by a sick Josh Hamilton's walk-off homer. When the big man has had enough, he does what he needs to.

Sunday I hung out with Trish. There was some of this

Some personalized sidewalk art. (I forgot to sign this.)

And some shirtless Matthew. All in all, this is a win!

Monday was back to Rangers Park:

I love baseball on National Holidays!

This is a Snow Monkey. It is a give away next month for kids 13 and under.

This is my, 'But I want a snow monkey pout! It wouldn't be half as good if my eyeliner hadn't smeared in the heat and made me look like I have purple tears. My mom was with me and she admitted while my nieces do this well, I had perfected this pout long before they came along! I don't know how she resisted this as well as she did. I was a pretty cute kid. ;-)

The Rangers had a successful weekend winning all 4 home games. I had a great weekend with friends.

I learned a lot this weekend about myself and my friends. I have some amazing girl friends and a couple of amazing guy friends. I need to take a minute to thank Chance and Michael for everything this weekend. Sometimes it takes a man to explain things to a woman. They both managed to do this in the most loving and supportive way. You guys rock.

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Thursday, May 24, 2012

It's Okay Thursday! Blog Update.

It's okay that I finally realized that letting go and forgiving hurt isn't about letting the person who hurt you off the hook. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself to be completely rid of the hurt. Better late than never!

It's okay that I realized for the millionth time this week what a bad form of communication texting is. You can't control the tone of a text so sometimes the person who reads it interprets it in a different manner from your intent.

It's okay that I am always cold. I'm sitting outside in 90 degree weather and this is the first time all day I haven't been freezing. I don't think I would make it in the north anymore. I am the worst yankee ever.

It's okay that I parted my hair down the middle today.

I haven't decided if I like it better but I look kinda cute so it's good.

It's okay that I love this shirt and the items my friend Trish has been harping on me to buy for two months.

It's also okay that when I wear this shirt with those items my eyes mysteriously drop 8 inches. It makes me laugh. You men are so freaking easy. Why after all this time this surprises me is beyond me.

It is also okay that I keep catching the guys. If you don't want to get caught, sunglasses gentlemen! (I'm still laughing at the 70 year old at lunch!)

It's okay that I still have a red back from the game last Thursday. I have another day game Saturday so just about the time it all becomes a tan, I will burn all over again. I need to pick up water for the game.

It's okay that there is no Rangers game tonight. I will miss them but they need a day off.

It is okay that I am debating letting my hair go blonder for the summer. I hate it blonde but everyone else likes it and honestly, it costs me nothing. Texas sun takes care of it naturally.

It's okay that I am officially too small to be on the Biggest Loser. As much as I would love to get my butt kicked by Bob and Dolvett, I have worked way too hard to get where I am to think about stopping now.

It's okay that I am still trying to catch up from no sleep Sunday night-Monday morning. I'm guess I'm old and all nighters are a thing of the past.

It's okay that I have finally accepted that drinking diet soda is not as good as water. I hate this fact but my body wants water not Diet Coke or Diet DP. Boo!

So, what's okay with you?

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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

What I'm Loving Wednesday

I am loving that today is hump day!
I had a little too much craziness last weekend and coupled with my insomnia Sunday Night I am ready for a nice, calm, boring weekend.

Well, except for a baseball game Saturday and another one Monday. Maybe a little solo celebrating Friday night as I plan to stay home and watch baseball like a bum. No trouble aside from what I get into alone.

I'm loving that I got to see the Rough Riders play Saturday.

This is Mike Olt, a Rangers prospect getting ready to bat.

Monica and I at the game. No idea why we are laying down.

This is so not a good look for me. I struggle with cameras I guess. Lol Trish looks great!

I know, this is a what I'm loving not Mobile Monday but who really reads this blog anyway?

I am loving that today is my friend Rachel's 25th birthday again!

Okay, that's it. Short and sweet.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad all rights reserved

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Blog Update: Looking Back and Letting Go. Mistakes Happen for a Reason!

Today at lunch I did something really stupid. So incredibly stupid that it effected my entire afternoon. For some dumb reason I decided to look up my ex. The one who broke my heart. I think when I wrote the blog I changed his name but I have no idea to what so, we will call him Robb because, well, that is his name. Robb was the one I walked away from because he was in-love with me and his ex-wife Amy. He has a different last name and I couldn't remember how to spell it (it has been 10 years and I tried to forget so don't judge me!) so when I clicked on a stray you tube video imagine my surprise when I saw Robb....a chunkier Robb but there he was in his San Jose Sharks sweater and at a California Angels game wearing an Angels hat! Honestly, he barely cared about baseball when we were together and he was a San Francisco Giants fan. I would never fall for an Angels fan. (Or a Yankee fan or a Cardinals fan for that matter. Sports are not something I want to fight about and while I am not a mean winner I am a very sore loser!)
So included in this video were photos of my Robb from years ago. The clean faced cute boy with the twinkle in his eyes that I fell for. So stupid to watch the video. The video was his wedding tribute video. No, he didn't get back with Amy. I swear to you, I don't care that he is happy but there is a part of me that is mad he moved on and found happiness and a new wife and had a baby. (Oh there is a little boy too.) He was supposed to spend the rest of his life kicking himself for letting me go. Didn't he get the memo? I'm only half kidding here.

So tonight I spent a lot of time during my workout talking to God and trying to get a grip on my feelings. I realized a few things. All this time I have been blaming Robb for us not working when I failed to remember a couple of things. First, I knew it wouldn't work a few weeks in. Second, a big part of the reason it couldn't work was because I wouldn't let Robb love me. Not the way he wanted. Not the way I wanted. I couldn't actually believe Robb loved me. I was a size 8-10 when he and I met and I thought I was a fat cow and too ugly to love. I couldn't believe Robb would ever love least not until I got to a size 4. Now to be fair, Robb never complained about my looks. He actually thought I was beautiful and told me that all the time but I couldn't believe that either.

So guess what I realized tonight? Nothing has changed with me in 10 damn years. I am a few sizes away from an 10 right now. About 20 pounds away. I will get there again. What really hasn't changed is my feelings for myself. See, Robb was supposed to be a lesson. A lesson, I thought, about not ever falling in love with a man who doesn't want to let go of the past. (Still, really good advice, BTW). What he was really a lesson about, it turns out, is that accepting someone loves you, however they love you, when they say they love you, is about faith and trust. I am better at faith than trust. Robb's new wife by the way, is a very pretty woman who happens to be several sizes larger than I am today. He loves her, I have to assume for who she is and not her dress size.

Don't get me wrong. This isn't at all about Robb. I wouldn't take him back to save my life. This was just the slap in the face I needed to realize I am too hard on myself and until I can accept myself, I can't accept anyone's love. Somewhere inside I am convinced that nobody could ever love me. Not if they knew. Not of they realized what a flawed human being I am. Shhh, don't tell but I am far, far from perfect.

So my God Talk workout was really successful. Not only did I realize that letting go of the past and not looking back at relationships that failed already is very good advice. I realized that I have been struggling for years in going back to school to finish my degree (weird how God works, I start talking to Him about relationships and I end up with a career path). I didn't want to accept what my heart has always called me to do. So, I am going to go back to school and finish my degree in the subject I started out with 20 years ago and gave up because it isn't exciting or sexy and I will never be rich but it is what my heart wants. I don't know yet how I am going to pay for it or how I am going to swing it and work but I am going to TWU and talk to the about getting into their education program. I come from a family full of teachers and I have fought this forever but it is what I should have done, years ago.

So,tonight I am going to stop looking back. There isn't anything worth revisiting. I left the broken relationships for a reason and I know that something better is ahead. I have no clue what but I am ready to finally say that I forgive Robb for breaking my heart and I hope he is happy. I still want the Stars to kill the Sharks and now I hate the Angels a tiny bit more but that's okay too.

Oh, and as for my workout with God. My gratitude is ever ending for the tough love He gave me. The answers aren't always pretty but they are truth.

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Friday, May 18, 2012

Friday Fitness, Weight Loss Update plus, yes Rangers!

I haven't been very motivated this week on a fitness level. I maybe got in three workouts since Sunday. I am so tired. That is the bad news. The good news is I have still lost weight.
I am going to be honest, I weighed last and updated y'all on Monday so unrealistically, I really wanted a 3 pound loss, I somehow managed to get just that! 3 pounds which makes the total 75 pounds!!!!!

I have to admit, I feel really great about that. Combined that with all the extra attention I have gotten lately and I am really starting to feel great. It is funny how a stranger telling you that you look nice makes your day. It is nice when a guy who is just a friend tells you how great you look and how much difference it is since the last time he saw you. I know my girls pump me up all the time but it is different when a guy tells you. It shouldn't be but it is.

I love Rangers Ballpark. It is the most beautiful place on earth. We lost on Thursday. I wasn't gracious about it. It is frustrating to lose to teams you should beat and had multiple chances to beat. 14 left on base! The Rangers are better then that, or they should be. Don't even get me started on Colby Lewis and Matt Harrison. Oh, except this, who told Colby Lewis it wasn't post season anymore? We need to talk!

This is pre-game Thursday with Julie.

This is in the 8th inning Thursday. No the photos have not been touched up. I just added a frame. Yes, I had sun screen. Yes, I still burned. Red Head problems.

I don't know but I think I look cute anyway. This tank top, BTW took me talking myself into because I have body issues. Like my shoulders just not the rest of my arms.
Hey, I look at it this way, I gained freckles! I happen to love my freckles.

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Thursday, May 17, 2012

It's Okay Thursday

*It's okay that I can't find my It's okay Thursday image. I'm too lazy to care.

*It's okay that I have spent a week being mad about absolutely nothing that matters. I'm a woman (and a red head) we are allowed. I'm over it now.

*It's okay that I use my hair as an excuse for a temper, everyone knows red heads have no soul (or rhythm).

*It's okay that lately I look at pictures of myself and I actually truly think I look cute (even wet!) It has only taken 30 or 40 years to get to this point.

*It is also okay that I can't give everyone what they want. I realized this week that trying to make everyone happy is too exhausting so I am going to do what makes me happy for a change and see how that works. (Nobody will get hurt in the process.)

*It is okay that I realized this week I am not sure I ever want to be married. This is such a huge departure for me. I am at heart, an old fashioned woman. I just realized that as much as I used to want that, I don't think I do anymore. Relationships are just too hard and I have trust issues. (This has NOTHING to do with anyone else but me.)

*It is really okay that I have no regrets about anything in my life except Derek. I regret I never told Derek how I felt. I was 19 and he came with huge complications. Namely a ex-wife and a 3 year old. Derek and I could have been really happy. We had fun together and we respected one another. He treated me better then anyone else has ever treated me. I ran away to college and got too scared to see him when I would visit from Austin. I think that hurt him. I really hope he found happiness. He was my one who got away.

*It is okay that I am broke until payday because tomorrow is payday and I expect to have some of this

Lots of that actually. I may be doing it alone but I don't care.

*It is okay that I fear because God has this. He may be the only man I trust but He is the only one that matters.

*It is really okay that I have to go now. Time to get ready for the Rangers game!

*It is okay that I am wearing a tank to the game. Time to get over my arm hate. I am working on them.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

What I'm loving Wed. Mostly baseball

There isn't a lot to love. I am little Miss Anti-Social right now. Miss Anti-Social with a migraine today. No reason. I just need a break from people right now. I get that way. Is that weird?

I'm loving these glasses my awesome neighbor Sharon got me.

I'm loving the Rangers bag that I bought 2 weeks ago. It is perfect for game day.

I'm loving that I finally get to wear my Audrey dress this weekend! Look out Cary Grant! (I am fasting for a couple days in preparation. Probably why I have a headache. Want to look amazing!)

I'm still loving my bracelet.

I'm loving the idea of having a Rangers party this summer with all my friends at my place. Party planning is fun.

Loving this guy pitches today! Thank God!

I love this guy and am so happy for him being inducted to the Texas Rangers Hall of fame!

For those who don't know Eric Nadel is the voice of the Texas Rangers and along with the late-great Mark Holtz (below) is the Texas Rangers. I listened to them call games for 2 decades before we lost Holtzie. I listened with tears to Nadel call the Rangers first trip to the World Series and the second.

I love this idea.

And I really love this! Words matter. Be careful what you say.

Oh, how I love and agree with this! If you make time for me, I know you care. If I make time for you, you know I do. Seems simple but you have no idea how easy it is to not make time for people.

What are y'all loving?

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