Today at lunch I did something really stupid. So incredibly stupid that it effected my entire afternoon. For some dumb reason I decided to look up my ex. The one who broke my heart. I think when I wrote the blog I changed his name but I have no idea to what so, we will call him Robb because, well, that is his name. Robb was the one I walked away from because he was in-love with me and his ex-wife Amy. He has a different last name and I couldn't remember how to spell it (it has been 10 years and I tried to forget so don't judge me!) so when I clicked on a stray you tube video imagine my surprise when I saw Robb....a chunkier Robb but there he was in his San Jose Sharks sweater and at a California Angels game wearing an Angels hat! Honestly, he barely cared about baseball when we were together and he was a San Francisco Giants fan. I would never fall for an Angels fan. (Or a Yankee fan or a Cardinals fan for that matter. Sports are not something I want to fight about and while I am not a mean winner I am a very sore loser!)
So included in this video were photos of my Robb from years ago. The clean faced cute boy with the twinkle in his eyes that I fell for. So stupid to watch the video. The video was his wedding tribute video. No, he didn't get back with Amy. I swear to you, I don't care that he is happy but there is a part of me that is mad he moved on and found happiness and a new wife and had a baby. (Oh there is a little boy too.) He was supposed to spend the rest of his life kicking himself for letting me go. Didn't he get the memo? I'm only half kidding here.
So tonight I spent a lot of time during my workout talking to God and trying to get a grip on my feelings. I realized a few things. All this time I have been blaming Robb for us not working when I failed to remember a couple of things. First, I knew it wouldn't work a few weeks in. Second, a big part of the reason it couldn't work was because I wouldn't let Robb love me. Not the way he wanted. Not the way I wanted. I couldn't actually believe Robb loved me. I was a size 8-10 when he and I met and I thought I was a fat cow and too ugly to love. I couldn't believe Robb would ever love me.....at least not until I got to a size 4. Now to be fair, Robb never complained about my looks. He actually thought I was beautiful and told me that all the time but I couldn't believe that either.
So guess what I realized tonight? Nothing has changed with me in 10 damn years. I am a few sizes away from an 10 right now. About 20 pounds away. I will get there again. What really hasn't changed is my feelings for myself. See, Robb was supposed to be a lesson. A lesson, I thought, about not ever falling in love with a man who doesn't want to let go of the past. (Still, really good advice, BTW). What he was really a lesson about, it turns out, is that accepting someone loves you, however they love you, when they say they love you, is about faith and trust. I am better at faith than trust. Robb's new wife by the way, is a very pretty woman who happens to be several sizes larger than I am today. He loves her, I have to assume for who she is and not her dress size.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't at all about Robb. I wouldn't take him back to save my life. This was just the slap in the face I needed to realize I am too hard on myself and until I can accept myself, I can't accept anyone's love. Somewhere inside I am convinced that nobody could ever love me. Not if they knew. Not of they realized what a flawed human being I am. Shhh, don't tell but I am far, far from perfect.
So my God Talk workout was really successful. Not only did I realize that letting go of the past and not looking back at relationships that failed already is very good advice. I realized that I have been struggling for years in going back to school to finish my degree (weird how God works, I start talking to Him about relationships and I end up with a career path). I didn't want to accept what my heart has always called me to do. So, I am going to go back to school and finish my degree in the subject I started out with 20 years ago and gave up because it isn't exciting or sexy and I will never be rich but it is what my heart wants. I don't know yet how I am going to pay for it or how I am going to swing it and work but I am going to TWU and talk to the about getting into their education program. I come from a family full of teachers and I have fought this forever but it is what I should have done, years ago.
So,tonight I am going to stop looking back. There isn't anything worth revisiting. I left the broken relationships for a reason and I know that something better is ahead. I have no clue what but I am ready to finally say that I forgive Robb for breaking my heart and I hope he is happy. I still want the Stars to kill the Sharks and now I hate the Angels a tiny bit more but that's okay too.
Oh, and as for my workout with God. My gratitude is ever ending for the tough love He gave me. The answers aren't always pretty but they are truth.
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