Begging for a buck, why I walk!

Light the Night

I've told the story before.   My dad died of lymphoma when I was 5.   So I do my best to try and support cancer research because it is personal.   It isn't just personal because cancer robbed me of my father.  It has robbed me of my grandmother (Breast) grandfather (stomach) and I have an uncle fighting it (liver) and another grandfather who fought it(I have forgotten now what type, there have been so many). Aside from that I have lost two people who worked with me from breast cancer and one to a brain tumor.  Young, beautiful women.   In 2010 I ran a half marathon for Team in Training. This year I decided to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society by participating in their Light the Night event on November 2.   I raise money for LLS because my father died from Lymphoma but whatever cancer we kick, all cancer will follow.  Cancer research, that is the key!

Now, I can fund myself and if my husband participates we can sponsor his entrance.  I am still asking for donations because frankly, I am sick of cancer.   I am tired of losing friends.  I am tired of seeing people I care about waste away.  I am sad to see kids grow up without Moms and Dads.  I am sad to see women who can't have kids because cancer robbed them of their chance like my friend on Twitter.  I am sad that we have all become so numb to cancer that we don't even think about it anymore. It doesn't even phase us.  We don't get angry. We aren't afraid.   My own family has become numb.   I have a sibling who feels that the war will never be won so me raising money for cancer research is a waste of my time and energy.   Maybe he is right, but sitting back and doing nothing sure isn't going to win the war.   I have to try.  Not for my father because his battle ended in 1975.   For the kids out there today struggling with childhood cancer because no child should be robbed of the chance to grow up.   For the 19 year old I saw on the news today who is suffering from an inoperable brain tumor and playing in her only college basketball game on November 2 because nobody should die young.   For the parents out there who are forced to bury children and the children forced to grow up without parents.  For the husbands and wives who lost their soul mates.   For everyone who lost a friend.  For all of us because we have probably all been touched somehow and if we haven't yet, we will be.

I am not asking you for a lot of money.  I am asking you to spare a buck.   Between Twitter, Facebook, and my blog, if everyone were to read this, and send in $1.00 we could raise over $1000!   So, can you spare a Buck to kick cancer in the A$$?

After 'I do': Life can get real, real fast!

One month ago today was the happiest day of my life.   I married my soulmate and gained a daughter.  

Two days later we closed on our 'dream home' and then life got real....real fast. 

I'm not going to go through the list of real but it runs the table from plumbing problems, badly wires that wanted to start a fire, and an overnight hospital stay (don't ask) yesterday. 

In the middle of all of the drama, tears, sickness, health, arguments over stupid stuff that doesn't matter, and dealing with children...lots of them sometimes,  I realized that nothing is that serious that we can't get through it if we just work together. Well, almost nothing, health you can't take for granted because we are fragile. 

I think everyone should spend a few hours/days in the hospital just so they remember how lucky they are. Go sit in the ER and watch the people go in and out.  When you see the 80 year old woman come in with her son after they found her slumped over at home, a slip and fall, ask yourself if you would feel lucky to get to 80.  When you see the car accident victim come in with the head brace and looking perfectly fine, ask yourself if you are tough, honest, or stupid. When you see the kid with the broken bone from skateboarding ask yourself how you would feel if that was your child then kiss your healthy kid.  Finally, when you see the 20-something woman following behind her husband on a stretcher carrying his stuff while he is being wheeled in, on oxygen, clearly in poor healthy, and you immediately think of how someone you know has cancer and could be doing that today, thank your lucky stars that your pain in the bottom spouse is not the one dying young. That's what I did.  

We all get comfortable but today I feel like God doesn't want me to be comfortable, He wants me appreciative, challenged, and gracious.   He wants me strong, faithfull, and honest.  Mostly, God wants me to think before I act and see the beauty in the chaos. Yes, Lord, even when the chaos is bad old pipes that need to be dug up and replaced.   (The house not my hubby). 

Living without a child: learning to cry

I have covered this topic before but it is a hole in my heart that never seems like it will never be filled. Please forgive me and skip this blog if you want but sometimes I need to use this space to work things out, for me.

Before anyone calls me ungrateful, I am not.  I have a beautiful step-daughter who loves me and who I love and who is my friend but she has a mom and I am her friend and bonus parent.  I missed the baby years and the little kid years and now I have the Tweens and Teens to look forward to and I have embraced it and her. I will be there for her.

What annoys me is when I hear from people how I don't know what it is like to raise a child because I am childless.   How I don't know how hard a baby is to take care of day in and day out.   What people don't understand is that my mother and I were there with my brother when the triplets were born.  We were there helping take care of them all the time.  I gave up my life for almost two years for those girls.  I had no weekends. You think it's hard to raise one baby? Try three.  Have you ever bottle fed three at once because I have.  Have you ever had to calm three crying newborns all by yourself because I have. Have you taken care of babies on respirators, because I have.  Yet, somehow, still I don't qualify for knowing what it takes to be a parent. The kids don't need me now so I don't see them everyday. Well of course not, they are almost eleven. They have a life. I have a life.  They aren't my kids. 

I don't have kids and I never will. I don't need people to remind me of that. I missed my chance because I didn't marry the wrong person young and have a child with them.  For reasons that I can't go in to, it looks like adoption isn't available to me either.  So I cry.  I mourn the kids I wanted. I have a big hole in my heart, a child size hole that will never be filled and a lot of regrets. That's my truth. That's my life. That wasn't my choice.  What I do not need is anyone telling me I am wrong to want a child because I am too old. What I do not need is anyone telling me how much a child costs and how unrealistic I am.  

Maybe I am stupid.  I just always thought love would find a way.  I guess I was wrong in that too. Maybe I want to see God's plan where it isn't.  God isn't asking me to open my heart and my life.  Maybe I just wish He was.  Maybe I am naive to think a child that needs a home and a home that is availabe to a child is a good fit but maybe that isn't always the case.  Maybe I made a mistake. 

Advice to my 20 year old self on Life, Love, Baseball and the Pursuit of Happiness!

There comes a point in middle age (otherwise known as your late 30's and early 40's) where you think to yourself, man did I really waste my 20's worrying about that crap?  Why!?!? So here is my advice to me...because who else would I be qualified to advise? 

-Go to more concerts and eat less ice cream.  You won't regret it. 

-Stop trying to "find" the one.  He isn't going to show up until he is suppose to and that is in God's time so get off the dating sights and have fun with friends. 

-Never make excuses for men.  When you meet your best friend, you will know and you will marry him.  Until that time,  the toads are just a learning experience. Don't cry over them, pity them.  They let the best thing in the world walk away. You! 

-Buy the shoes.  

-Pay the bills before you buy the shoes because that good credit really does matter. 

-Don't waste your time on people who take and never give.  Those people make terrible friends and in the end, they aren't the ones that are there for you.  

-Don't forget the friends who are and always have been there for you.  Those are the friends that are gold and won't ever leave. 

-God, Family, and Rangers baseball in that order. 

-Date rednecks because they make the best husbands. 

-"God is great, beer is good, people are crazy!"

-Stop judging yourself.  

-Have fun and be silly and for the love of all things good, don't take yourself so seriously! 

-Think less and spend more time outside! 

-Never give up on the Rangers because someday they actually are going to make it to the World Series!