Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Surviving Hormonal Women, an Open Letter to Men

Women have that special time of the month, followed by that special time of life. If you are really a lucky man, somewhere in there you get to experience the extra special pregnancy years too, which I am sure are a special kind of hell on their own.  I am here to share with you how to live with your woman during that extra special life phase and survive her hormonal rages. 

Without further ado here are the top things not to do or say around a hormonal woman, and no this isn't a don't tell her she looks fat list, of COURSE you don't tell her that, what kind of a death wish do you have?  This is more practical stuff.  Stuff you already know but may need reminding.  Simple, everyday stuff. 

- Never ask a hormonal woman for a back rub, foot rub, or for anything ELSE to be rubbed.   Why?  Everything from her hair to her toenails aches so she doesn't really give a rats hind end about your pain.  Go take a hot shower and put your big boy panties on.  

- If you want dinner, go get a pizza.   Really, she is hormonal!  You may end up with something special in your sweet tea if you aren't antifreeze. 

- When a woman is hormonal, it isn't a good time to bring up laundry, dishes, or the fact she forgot to make the bed unless you want a switchblade between your eyes.

- Spending time with the boys is okay but when your woman is hormonal you have two choices; spend time with them and get in trouble or don't spend time with them, and get in trouble.   Either way, you are in trouble.   Hey, I didn't say women are logical, I said they are hormonal.   

- During the special times of the month when your woman is PMSing, it is not the time to discuss your ex's.  Let me let you in on a secret, we don't care in general but during that time of the month, not only do we not care but we are liable to burst into tears because the sun is shinning or it is raining so you can't win.  When you can't win, don't talk about other women.  Don't think about other women.  Okay, really, just don't breath for a week. That is probably best.  

- Never say these words to a hormonal woman:  "You are freaking out over nothing! Your period must be coming."   First we are probably going to run to our phones to pull up our tracking app to prove you wrong then we will be forced to throw our phones at your head in anger because, of course you are right and we can't have you being right, damn it!  Just shut up.  Really, you know we are hormonal, it should go unspoken.  There is no need to point out the fact that we are hormonal in the illogical hope that we will suddenly snap into the loving, reasonable woman we are 3 weeks out of the month.  This won't happen.  Deal with Hell Week like we have to and keep quiet.

- When you catch your wife or girlfriend eating chocolate during that time of the month, don't ask her if she really needs it, offer here another piece.  Seriously, there is nothing that is going to make her feel better except that little bit of foil wrapped heaven.

-If she comes back from the store and she purchased a new pair of shoes or handbag, now is probably not the time to remind her she has 85 pair of shoes and 55 handbags in the closet.  Especially if the new shoes have heels because, well, have you ever been hit in the head with a stiletto? 

- Sex:  Now is the time to appreciate whatever you get, when you get it and not complain about being deprived.  Suck it up buttercup.  Remember those days when you were single and you didn't know when or if you were going to get any again?   That time could come again if you aren't careful!

Okay, if you can remember those simple little tips, you should survive your wife or girlfriend with just an average amount of anger and tears.  If not, you are going to have that extra little bit of hell to enjoy every month.  It's your choice.  I am just here to guide and advise. 

*This is all tongue in cheek and my husband would NEVER do any of this stuff...of course he wouldn't....I am just guessing there are men out there who do this.   

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