2016: Secrets of Addiction and recovery or Learning to Live right

There wasn't a smile, trust me! 

Fitness and Food have always been a problem for me.    Somewhere back in time, I wrote a blog or two about my struggles.   Beats me where they are and looking back on some of the stuff in my blog makes me sad so let me give you the Cliff's Notes version:

*I have suffered from compulsive eating and bulimia since somewhere between birth and 16 years of age.   I don't really remember when it started, I just know it started.   I am 45 so let's just say I have struggled about 30 years of my life.  

*I don't know what a "Normal relationship with food" means.

*I tend to be just a little bit OCD when it comes to food and fitness.

*I go in funks that can last years.   I either am really on with my food and fitness or very, very off.  I have been off for about 3 years.   There are a ton of excuses for why I fell off the wagon 3 years ago: broken heart, work stress, life stress, friendship stress, but all they are is excuses.   For example, the broken heart part, well, since that broken heart 3 years ago I fell in love and got married.  You would think that would snap me out of it but no such luck.   

So what does that say about me?  I am a freaking mess, I suppose.   In the 2 1/2 years my husband has known me, I have never been "In my zone".   See, I get in a fitness zone and when I am in it, I am a demon.  My doctor has never seen anyone lose weight faster than I do.  Well, I did.  I have no idea if my 45 year old self can do it but my 40 year old self was a master at it.   Don't let me kid you, that is part of the bulimia too.  I have been known to workout for 2 hours a day and eat 800 calories while doing it, to be thin.   I am not proud, mind you, just honest.

Anyway, I digress.   I have slowly started to work myself back into working out.  There is a magic thing that happens to me when I workout and it has nothing to do with losing weight, well, it does but as a side effect.   When I work out, I eat healthier.   I figured out a long time ago, if I am going to work my bottom off and still eat M&M's then I might as well just not workout.  

So at the beginning of the year I decided to make slow changes, because for me, diving in head first can send me on a roller coaster of bulimic tendencies and I now have a 12 year old girl in the house, who, as most 12 year old girls do, feels like crap about her appearance half the time.   She brushes it off and plays tough, but she doesn't fool me and my obligation is to set an example so, I have started to make a few changes.

First, I started by eliminating the high calorie, fun flavored creamer that I put in my coffee.   I switched to almond/coconut milk and while not anywhere near as flavorful, it gets the job done.  I also cut out all candy and sweets.   I bake nothing sugary and I keep next to nothing in the house to tempt me.  (Full Disclosure: Somewhere up on the top shelf in the baking section of my pantry are chocolate chips.  The good kind.  The chocolate crack kind.  At least, I think there are.   I haven't moved all the stuff in front of them to check.)

Next, I started to narrow down what is causing me to have serious stomach pain about every freaking day of my life, or 5 days a week, whichever is shorter.   I have pretty much concluded after not eating gluten for several days then eating gluten on the last two Sundays, that gluten and I do not get along. (My husband makes the best buttermilk fried chicken in the world.  It is amazing and dipped in flour.  I tried really hard to stay away from it this weekend but it called me and I answered it's dang siren call.   Trust me I am paying for it today.) 

So I have switched to protein filled green smoothies about once a day and healthier veggie and meat based foods.  Sometimes I have them twice a day, which I am going to explain below.  

Now, here is the worst part, I had a surgery two years ago which should have helped me lose weight but because I am a sugar addict, it helped me lose 60 pounds before I realized I could still eat sugar and gained 30 back.   In other words, I failed at the "easy way out" too.   Let me tell you one thing about any type of surgery, it is not the easy way out of anything.   A side effect of the surgery I had is that when I eat too much, to this day I vomit.   Unfortunately, most sugar and calorie filled stuff doesn't require you to eat a bunch before you blow your whole day.   A second and really annoying side effect is that raw veggies make me sick about 90% of the time.   This means for me, eating salad with a chicken breast is a crap shoot.  I may be able to stomach it one night and the next day, it makes me sick.   This sucks because I am just weird enough to like raw veggies.   As I said above, I have added green smoothies into my diet.  What I have figured out about that is that when I put spinach in the smoothie, it doesn't  give me the digestive challenges that eating a cup of spinach can.   So, I make a smoothie with spinach and a banana and protein powder because my goal after having surgery is to get between 60 grams and 90 grams of protein a day.   That's a lot.   

The one positive about the surgery, the one thing it forced me to stop doing, which I have never been able to stop previously, is purging.   Maybe it is because the surgery causes you to purge at times but mostly I believe it is because, once I went through with the surgery, I just couldn't do that to my body anymore.  Making myself sick when I am already struggling with constant stomach problems, is just not an answer for me anymore.  

Okay, so in the end, what I am telling you is that I am a 45 year old, overweight woman with at least 2 eating disorders, gluten intolerance, an addiction to cigarettes which will probably kill me and I made 2016 a year for baby step changes to get me back on track for good.   So yes, I am working out and behind that smiley face above you will see an exhausted old lady.   I am working on cutting the literal fat out of my diet and even replacing my cigarettes with something good for me.  (I haven't figured that one out yet because Ecigs are not good for me either.)

Here are my weight and fitness goals for this year:

Weight: Lose 50 pounds.   I have lost 6 so far this year so only 44 more to go!  

Workouts:  At least 3 times a week until I have a good base built up then 5 days a week.  With my ultimate goal to be back on my mountain bike by my 46 birthday.  That is in August if you are keeping track I have just under 6 months to get there. 

Quit smoking......TBD.

Plan:

Food: I have started keeping track of my food (most days) on one of those on-line calorie tracker things.  I forget on the weekends mostly.

Fitness:  I am going to be working out at home.  I use to go to the gym right after work.  I use to also be single and not have anyone else at home to answer to.  Now, just to be able to tell my husband: I am working out now, when I get  home, sometimes takes effort.  The minute I walk in the door, a to-do list hits me in the face.   I am working on getting all three of us used to the idea that when I get home, I am changing cloths and working out.  

 Years ago, I learned to take a 12 step approach to eating disorders and take it one day at a time.   Today I wanted pizza, gluten free pizza but pizza.  Instead I had a salad (and yes it gave me an upset tummy) and I feel like I did right.  I told myself, just for today, just for lunch, I will make the right decision.   This is what I am working on right now, telling myself, just for today I will eat right and workout.   If I take it as a daily challenge instead of getting fixated on the big picture, I am hoping to finally get into a life long habit.

Oh, happy Monday people!   Happy Presidents Day.   

Facing My Demon

I'm really not sure I am ready to publish this but I will. I only admitted the truth to myself a week ago. I only shared the truth with my friends within the last week.



I told you all last week I was struggling but I didn't say with what the truth is I have been struggling for months with my bulimia. Even as I was writing blogs telling you I was fine I wasn't. Even as I was sharing my past struggles I wasn't being honest with you or me. Oh, I knew very well what I was doing. How could I not!


It is impossible to explain the complete lack of control a person feels when they are binging. It is like I become completely obsessed by the simple act of eating. It happens alone. It is well planned and let's just say all good bulimics have certain tricks to make it easier. (I am not doing a how to blog here. This is not a life style choice I support.)



If the binge represents spiraling out of control the act of purging is the glorious moment of taking back control. I know that seems counter intuitive to all of you normal people. I am not one of you.


The truth is, I have been struggling with this for months but last Sunday I knew I had reached that moment of insanity. I have had brief periods of falling off the wagon before but this has basically been ongoing since October and Sunday I reached the point where I had purged so many times in one day I was actually afraid. I texted my friend Khrystal and asked her to pray. She texted back asking if I needed to talk. I couldn't. I was in a ball on my bed crying at that moment. The next day I spilled my guts to my friend Chance.
After that was Khrystal, Rachel, my mom, Trish and Micah. Oddly when I told my mother I was throwing up she thought I was pregnant. No, just still a bulimic mess I am afraid.
I told her I was a terrible bulimic because I am not even a thin one...I am still fat. She said that I get that from her. Everyone with her thyroid condition loses weight like crazy. Not her. She is one of the 3% that struggles to keep it off. It's so nice when my mom and I can bond over being genetic screw ups. LOL.


I wish I could explain why I have these feelings again like I did when I was young. My mother and I talked a long time about it. When I was reading up on it...I realized that since last summer my feelings toward myself were turning backward. Where I had been making progress I was now starting to hear the old tapes. The ones that said nobody would ever love me and I was stupid to believe they could. The ones that said I was ugly and fat and my nose was too this and my boobs were too that.


So I am going to be 100% honest now. I loved or thought I loved someone who either didn't or couldn't love me back and it hurt. I am over it but it was really hard because for a long time, I did think this could be it. I do not know how I feel about T. I don't trust men a whole lot right now but I am trying to give him a chance. He is on my list at this particular moment but communication is a big issue for me and with him working out of state a lot and his kids here he isn't doing a bang up job. I do know that he thinks I am beautiful and sexy the way I am and I also know that as nice as that is....if I don't feel it about myself, it doesn't matter. I have spent so much of my life listening to that voice inside my head that tells me I am not pretty enough, too fat, just plain ugly, and I am really tired. So I am going to get some help again.



I haven't had much luck with counseling but what the heck. My friends don't need me crying on their shoulder every 6 months and to be honest with you, I am really tired of falling in love with the same man over and over. The one who seems perfect for me but is running away from me. I don't think I want to be in love with a man, actually. I would really love to be in love with me and in like with someone else.
I really do know in my head that I am a good person and I deserve someone special. Everyone has told me so. Every one of my friends, the guy who I loved, my mom, jeez even my brother has said I deserve to be happy. I think, well, I think they must be right.

I said at the beginning I am not sure I am ready to post this. It is honest. It is brutal. It is truthfully how I feel and what I am dealing with. I don't want anyone's pity. I am not fine but I am strong and I will be. I just share because I don't know who may see and who may understand. If I can help one person. I am 42 and I have been dealing with this on and off since I was 19 but it will not beat me. I will win even if it takes me another 23 years. (Please, Dear God don't let it take another 23 years!)



Simply,
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I am not "beautiful" and that's ok.

It's Thursday and it is time to link up with Amber and Neely for one of the last It's Ok Thursdays.  (Tears!)


This isn't going to be a normal "It's Ok" and I apologize to Neely and Amber for that.  I will try to keep the positivity in the post, I promise!  

When this story about  Abercrombie and Fitch  started showing up on my Facebook yesterday I was sad but busy at work so my immediate reaction was: What a Jerk. Later in the afternoon my friend Rachel wrote a blog about her BATTLE and how this story effected her.  She and I texted last night for a while about this and the more I talked to her, the more sad I became with the message these things send and the more I started to experience my own insecurites.  Thin and Beautiful are not the same thing and it is not ok that some people just don't get how hurtful and destructive these messages are or they don't care.  I have three neices who are just amazing and beautiful but I have cried at the thought that any one of them would ever hate herself as much as I have hated myself in the past for not living up to some random definition of beautiful.  I have been truly sad thinking that they may look in the mirror and tear themselves apart the way I have to stop myself from doing on a daily basis. DAILY!




The reality is that there are messages like this every single day to every person who doesn't look perfect which, by the way, is absolutely everyone. I have been honest about my struggles with not only weight loss and compulsive eating but bulimia. Well, I have been mostly honest. I promise you that nobody has been harder on me than me and the last thing I want or need to hear is some kind of smarmy CEO attack me or any woman for not meeting his definition of beautiful.

My weight over the years has fluctuated between a size 6 at my smallest (12 years ago) and a 26 at my largest 6 years ago (Here is my first blog on this battle and some before pictures.).  Learning to be happy and love myself has been the hardest battle and it is one that I have just recently won. Today I am a 14 but I am trying to get back to a healthy for me, size 10.

This is about being healthy without becoming completely obsessed with diet and excercise and falling in to a serious case of Bulimerexia, for me.  Plus, I just don't need the stress. When I am stressed I binge-eat. When I binge, I purge. It's not glamorous or sexy to hate or abuse your body. The amount of pain I have suffered over the years from forcing my body to expel food in a number of ways from laxative abuse to your typical definition of purging has and will effect me forever.  My esophogus is torn.  My teeth and gums suffer from acid erosion and I have a bad knee and back from carrying around excess weight. Mentally, it is worse. It's not ok to feel like the world would be a better place without you because you are repulsive.It isn't okay to look at every body part as a problem instead of seeing the beauty you have within and without.  It's a very difficult subject but a message has to be sent to men and women everywhere that you are perfect just as you are and you can change what can be improved, within reason, but chasing an unrealistic image is not healthy.

This is me

It has been a struggle to accept myself.  There are times when I look pretty.  There are times when I look nasty and there are times when I look normal.  I tried to pull photos out that I thought reflected all of those times....plus silly because silly is by far, the real me.  I am not perfect and according the CEO of Abercrombin and Fitch, I am not beautiful.  I lose sleep about a lot of things but I am never going to lose sleep about what some 68 year old CEO thinks about my body.  I will lose sleep because of what I think about it.  I may lose sleep worrying about what the guy I am seeing thinks about it.  Ok, I will lose sleep about what he thinks. Whenever the men I have dated have told me I was beautiful or sexy, I thought they were either just being nice, blind, or trying to score.   There are very few photos of me until the last two years or so because I hated myself and I hated the way I look.  My sweet friend Rachel ,who I mention a lot, has made me take photos and I have finally learned to accept myself and the blog has made me actually start to love myself.  That, my friends, means I am ok!