I told you all last week I was struggling but I didn't say with what the truth is I have been struggling for months with my bulimia. Even as I was writing blogs telling you I was fine I wasn't. Even as I was sharing my past struggles I wasn't being honest with you or me. Oh, I knew very well what I was doing. How could I not!
It is impossible to explain the complete lack of control a person feels when they are binging. It is like I become completely obsessed by the simple act of eating. It happens alone. It is well planned and let's just say all good bulimics have certain tricks to make it easier. (I am not doing a how to blog here. This is not a life style choice I support.)
If the binge represents spiraling out of control the act of purging is the glorious moment of taking back control. I know that seems counter intuitive to all of you normal people. I am not one of you.
The truth is, I have been struggling with this for months but last Sunday I knew I had reached that moment of insanity. I have had brief periods of falling off the wagon before but this has basically been ongoing since October and Sunday I reached the point where I had purged so many times in one day I was actually afraid. I texted my friend Khrystal and asked her to pray. She texted back asking if I needed to talk. I couldn't. I was in a ball on my bed crying at that moment. The next day I spilled my guts to my friend Chance.
After that was Khrystal, Rachel, my mom, Trish and Micah. Oddly when I told my mother I was throwing up she thought I was pregnant. No, just still a bulimic mess I am afraid.
I told her I was a terrible bulimic because I am not even a thin one...I am still fat. She said that I get that from her. Everyone with her thyroid condition loses weight like crazy. Not her. She is one of the 3% that struggles to keep it off. It's so nice when my mom and I can bond over being genetic screw ups. LOL.
I wish I could explain why I have these feelings again like I did when I was young. My mother and I talked a long time about it. When I was reading up on it...I realized that since last summer my feelings toward myself were turning backward. Where I had been making progress I was now starting to hear the old tapes. The ones that said nobody would ever love me and I was stupid to believe they could. The ones that said I was ugly and fat and my nose was too this and my boobs were too that.
So I am going to be 100% honest now. I loved or thought I loved someone who either didn't or couldn't love me back and it hurt. I am over it but it was really hard because for a long time, I did think this could be it. I do not know how I feel about T. I don't trust men a whole lot right now but I am trying to give him a chance. He is on my list at this particular moment but communication is a big issue for me and with him working out of state a lot and his kids here he isn't doing a bang up job. I do know that he thinks I am beautiful and sexy the way I am and I also know that as nice as that is....if I don't feel it about myself, it doesn't matter. I have spent so much of my life listening to that voice inside my head that tells me I am not pretty enough, too fat, just plain ugly, and I am really tired. So I am going to get some help again.
I haven't had much luck with counseling but what the heck. My friends don't need me crying on their shoulder every 6 months and to be honest with you, I am really tired of falling in love with the same man over and over. The one who seems perfect for me but is running away from me. I don't think I want to be in love with a man, actually. I would really love to be in love with me and in like with someone else.
I really do know in my head that I am a good person and I deserve someone special. Everyone has told me so. Every one of my friends, the guy who I loved, my mom, jeez even my brother has said I deserve to be happy. I think, well, I think they must be right.
I said at the beginning I am not sure I am ready to post this. It is honest. It is brutal. It is truthfully how I feel and what I am dealing with. I don't want anyone's pity. I am not fine but I am strong and I will be. I just share because I don't know who may see and who may understand. If I can help one person. I am 42 and I have been dealing with this on and off since I was 19 but it will not beat me. I will win even if it takes me another 23 years. (Please, Dear God don't let it take another 23 years!)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone