I'm not really at Happy Hour. I haven't even had a drink for 2 weeks. No, I am not suffering from some other addiction I haven't admitted to, yet. I just can't risk bringing on migraines right now with alcohol.
I started therapy this week. It is amazing how hearing something your friends and mother have been telling you (and maybe just maybe something I knew inside) for a year from a stranger who doesn't love you can really make you see reality and understand that sometimes it is ok that you tried. I finally realized this morning while driving to work I am done beating myself up for trying so hard. I had to try. I didn't try in the past and I beat myself up. I tried too hard and I beat myself up. Now, I am done beating myself up. I am glad I tried. It's ok that I tried. It's ok because there is nothing wrong with trying if you are the only one trying and it doesn't work. It's ok for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's ok because for the first time in so long I realized there really is nothing wrong with me.
I am going to blog another time about the steps I am taking to help with the bulimia. I only want to say this....I have purged one time since June 9th. That is the best I have done in a year. That is a huge baby step. I have also only binged one day in that time. (Yes the purge and binge happened the same day.) I am working really hard on making sure I eat (so everyone who is checking up on me....I am ok and I love you.) I also am working really hard on staying away from food that leads me to binges so if that means I don't eat pizza, ice cream, or chips...you are just going to have to trust me that that doesn't mean I am now not eating. I have been living with this for over 20 years and I may not have beaten it yet but I do know how to avoid some trigger foods it's the trigger feelings I have problems with.
Some of the saddest truth I had to admit to my therapist the other day was that I haven't been riding the last couple of months because I am ashamed of what I look like right now. Nobody wants to see my bratwurst legs in bike shorts. Well, I don't know what I am wearing but tomorrow I will be in Arlington on the trail with about 200 women riders and I just don't care. I miss my bike and I have to get past this mental block because biking is my favorite thing on earth and I will not wait until I like what I see in the mirror to get me some!
I just loved this and this is how I feel sometimes!
(Sharing my nephew and my mom from the game the other night!)
The Rangers are finally back on track...I hope. They are playing the hated Cardinals of St. Louis this weekend so we shall see.
TGIF everyone! Have a great weekend! Go get ya some!
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