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Have you ever wondered what the Brady Bunch would look like if it were written for today's TV audience? I started thinking about it as I got ready for work this morning because these are the things that go through my mind.
Divorcee Mike Brady meets Carol at a Divorce support group. They go for coffee and start talking about the challenges of raising kids and dealing with their crazy and super crazy ex's. Before you know it, they realize they are perfect for one another, yes it is time they become a family. Cue the theme music!
Episode 1: the Wedding:
The kids all hate each other. None of them like their soon to be step parent. Alice, Mike's house keeper is having issues with her boyfriend Sam. He keeps trying to give her fashion advice for the wedding and she is confused. Carol's ex husband moves in with a 20 year old and Mike's ex wife comes to him on the eve of his wedding to Carol to make a play to get him back. Of course, this is a sitcom so everything works out in the end and only Tiger the dog is an issue because, of course, he still topples the cake. Dogs never change.
Episode 2: Bobby and Peter break Carol's iPhone:
Forget that stupid vase, nobody cares about that stuff anymore. Bobby and Peter break the iPhone. Carol is a working mom now, because with 6 kids and a live in house keeper to support in Southern California nobody can live on one salary. She is expecting an important work email and naturally they shatter the screen. Who plays football with an iPhone anyway?
Episode 3: Jan wants to be the next Teen Mom
Tired of Marcia getting all the attention, Jan hatches a plan to become the next Teen Mom. She will be famous and everyone will love her. There's just one problem, she doesn't have a creepy boyfriend ...but there is always Peter. Come on...you always thought that was an odd relationship right?
Episode 4: Greg decides to become the next great white rapper
Don't we all know some 18 year old who thinks he is the next Eminem? Really, Eminem has delayed more delusional 18 year old white boy's college careers than beer. Greg is no exception. You will have to wait a while to see if this version of Greg Brady gets it together and becomes a doctor.
Episode 5: Sam cheats on Alice
Alice finds out Sam is cheating on her with the Fred the baker at Wally World. Sam tries to explain to Alice it isn't her, he always felt like he was born to be a woman and shows her his closet full of women's clothing then asks her to call him Samantha. Alice dumps Sam and takes up with Eddie the plumber.
Episode 6: Mike's got a problem
With six kids, one pregnant with the others baby, one failing at rapping, a depressed housekeeper, and a workaholic wife, plus 2 ex's causing all kinds of mess, Mike is just not feeling frisky no matter how many blue pills he takes. Carol is frustrated so goes shopping and starts acting out her favorite scenes from 50 Shades of Grey. Just when things get a little interesting in walks Cindy with a tummy ache.
Episode 7: Cindy and Bobby and the Facebook Hack
With Jan preggo and Peter in hot water with the folks, Greg off in the recording studio, the folks too wrapped up their um....problems and Alice calling the plumber every 5 minutes to come fix some imaginary leak, Bobby and Cindy are feeling pretty left out. They think about faking being abducted by aliens, running away to Hawaii or getting thrown in jail in an abandon mining town but decide instead to get back at the family by hacking into their Facebook accounts and posting a bunch of photos and embarrassing status updates. Marcia is the most upset, naturally. They posted that photo of her with the busted nose from the family tackle football game. She can't be ugly, she is the most popular girl in school! Marcia and Greg hatch a revenge plan. They get Cindy and Bobby in the attic and lock them up telling them nobody will miss them anyway with everything going on. Sadly, it's true. Nobody notices they are missing for 3 days!
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Episode 7: Cindy and Bobby and the Facebook Hack
With Jan preggo and Peter in hot water with the folks, Greg off in the recording studio, the folks too wrapped up their um....problems and Alice calling the plumber every 5 minutes to come fix some imaginary leak, Bobby and Cindy are feeling pretty left out. They think about faking being abducted by aliens, running away to Hawaii or getting thrown in jail in an abandon mining town but decide instead to get back at the family by hacking into their Facebook accounts and posting a bunch of photos and embarrassing status updates. Marcia is the most upset, naturally. They posted that photo of her with the busted nose from the family tackle football game. She can't be ugly, she is the most popular girl in school! Marcia and Greg hatch a revenge plan. They get Cindy and Bobby in the attic and lock them up telling them nobody will miss them anyway with everything going on. Sadly, it's true. Nobody notices they are missing for 3 days!
At this point the shows ratings suck. Nobody is watching because it is too real and if we want real we will just eat some Ben and Jerry's and watch some Housewives or one of those stupid Bachelor shows and pretend that crap is real.
I am really glad the Brady Bunch wasn't written today. I like the innocence of the original much better. I think I will go find a rerun now. "Here's the story of a lovely lady..."
