Monday, December 9, 2013

Saying Goodbye

I want to start out sharing some photos of this weekend.

We were iced in so we spent the weekend setting up and playing Xbox, creating fabulous crafts, decorating the tree and watching movies on Netflix. J and I have both been feeling crappy but we tried hard to make the weekend as fun as possible, being iced in. We did end up missing the Stars game Saturday. That was a major bummer!

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how hard it is to say goodbye.

Sometimes you lose relationships and it seems like you are the only one that cares. Sometimes you just give up because the other person doesn't want to talk it through.

I am a firm believer that God puts people in our life for a reason and we all learn lessons. I look back on my life and realize the hardest and most painful "break-ups" are with friends not boyfriends. However, every single time I lost a "good" friend I found a better one. I believe that happens a lot to people.

Goodbyes don't always make sense. They don't always have a reason. Sometimes people are too busy to be in your life. Sometimes people forget it is your life and your mistakes. Sometimes love turns to dislike. Sometimes people you trust judge you when they have no right to do so. Sometimes you know that no matter what happens, trust is impossible now.

Sometimes people die. Sometimes people move away. Sometimes you do.

Sometimes the people who leave your life never really were a part of it in the first place no matter how much they seemed to be. Sometimes you look at things for what they are not what you wanted them to be and realize, you were more of an easy option than a real choice.

I don't let go well. I have a hard time saying goodbyes. I always have. When my dad died it took me 30 years to say goodbye. I have never really said goodbye to anyone I dated. We sort of just stopped talking.

I have lost 6 friends in my life who were really important to me at the time. Three of them don't matter one bit. One bothers me but it wasn't my choice. The other two, make no sense to me and I will never understand but honestly even with those one hurts more than the other. I also will never go back and I could never trust those people the same again. I think as time goes by, it is likely it won't matter much either.

When my best friend and I took a break in our friendship, we didn't talk for 10 months. It was hard. She has been my best friend for over 20 years. She lived with me when her marriage ended and she needed a place to stay. I didn't ask for anything from her. I never expected anything. That's how I am. Her daughter is my God Daughter. I was there when she remarried. I supported her and loved her and her husband is like an annoying brother to me. Our disagreement was stupid. It was about her relationship with her husband and we let their relationship come between us. They went on with their relationship and we didn't...for 10 months. We eventually did find our way back to a friendship but it has taken years for me to trust her again. I always loved her but for 10 years I didn't trust her the way I had.

Sometimes that trust can't be rebuilt and you have to let go.
Sometimes you have to let God mend your hurt. I trust pretty freely but when that trust is broken with me, it is very hard to fix.

I really don't know where I am going with this. I just can't express how hard it is to be the one who cares, still. I'm saying goodbye because I have to. It hurts too much to think of the yesterday's and all the good times.

I do know this. Whenever I have lost a relationship, God has given me a better one. This time is no different. This time God has given me what I hope is the greatest relationship so far and I believe He is not disappointing me. This relationship is stronger than any I have had in my adult life in ways.

This is how I am approaching this relationship. This is how I feel about real love.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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