Saturday, April 26, 2014

Not the Mama

Sometimes I write here to share funny stuff. Sometimes silly. Today this blog is just for me because I don't know how else to express this.

I have been cleaning my closet today. Nothing earth shattering really. Boxing up a bunch of stuff to either take to storage or donate. I came across a small white bag. A forgotten gift from my best friend. Something she wanted me to have years ago that I had saved and completely forgotten about. Three of her daughters favorite baby outfits. She wanted me to have them because she couldn't wait to see them on my little girl.

I pulled them out one by one and gently buttoned and folded them thinking of a child that was never to be as the tears rolled down my face. I tried to get a grip. I told myself there is a reason. God has a plan and He knows better. I tried to walk away but the cloths just sat there, Calling to me.

Finally, I called my best friend to talk. I told her that I had the cloths and I wanted to offer them back to her now as a keepsake for her now 18 year old baby. I cried. She reminded me this is all normal and a part of the grief process even though I don't really know why I am grieving. I have never lost a child. I have never been pregnant. I am nobodies mother. I never will be, I guess. It just wasn't meant to be. Being 43 and realizing you are just too old to try isn't a happy place. How do you say goodbye to the only thing you ever remember wanting to be?

I wish so often I could go back. Live over and do over just to have a baby but we don't get to do that. I see people with their kids and wonder if they know how lucky they are that someone calls them "Mom". The one thing I always wanted to hear. The one thing I never will hear. I wish I knew what it felt like to feel my baby kick or be big and miserable and pregnant. I wish I knew all those miracles that only parents get to experience.

Who knows? Maybe I am too selfish. Maybe my migraines would keep me from being a good mom. Maybe I don't have what it takes to be anything but a great aunt or a fun friend. I don't understand any of it. I just know it hurts and it makes me sad and I don't know how else to say it. I'm not the mama and I never will be.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Brittney, Breaking Free said...

Oh honey I am so sorry. I cant say I know what youre going through but xoxo hugs to you. I dont think youre too selfish or any of that because if that were the case lord knows some of these women wouldnt have children. Sometimes the hand were dealt with ultimately just sucks and there is no rhyme or reason to it. Hope youre feeling better today.

Laura @Simply Me, The way I see it said...

I am better, thank you. I try not to think about it but I think Saturday just hit hard. Anyway, you are right, there isn't a reason, it just is. :)

Popular Posts