Never grow up....stay a kid forever. That's what they tell you, right?
Yet, there is me...a grown up. How the heck did that happen? Look at me. I'm 43 years old. I own a house, two cars, and two dogs but I still feel 14 inside and up until recently I acted like it in a lot of ways.
I haven't had it together in a while. I pretended like I did but it was more than just a eating disorder I was hiding it was me. I had a closet full of secrets and they weren't anything I wanted to share.
This isn't going to come as a shock to the people who know me best but I have a problem spending money on shoes and handbags. It's true. I am a shoe and handbag collector. I also have a hard time letting go of 'stuff' so I throw it in a box and put it in a closet or the garage for a rainy day. You would think I was waiting for Noah to come the way I had collected 'stuff'.
So what I am admitting to isn't that I am a candidate for Hoarders. It wasn't that bad...yet, anyway. You could find plenty of places to sit, walk, and pop a squat in my place as long as you didn't open a drawer, closet or go in the garage. You were also fine with me as long as you didn't come around Thanksgiving & Christmas when I would, every year decide to skip the mortgage and pay for really nice presents for everyone birthdays (I have a lot) and Christmas and play catch-up on bills forever after. This never works out by the way so don't plan this way. Big mistake!
Recently, a few things have changed in my life and I have become aware of what it really means to be a grown up.
Being a grown up means you have to take responsibility for your decisions and actions but it is more. At some point you have to decide that what you are doing with your life either is or isn't what you want and the people in it either are or are not who you want and make changes accordingly. That's not all. Being a grown up means you have to decide between the fun and the necessary sometimes. I can buy those new shoes I want or I can buy the new tire I need. I can spend money on a new car or I can fix the one I have that had been sitting in the garage for 6 years untouched and yet that I still love the way I did the day I bought her Feb. 19, 1996. Yes, I know the date I bought that car and the house. I can't say the same for the Jeep. It was a fix it or sell it decision and I chose to fix it because the car gets 10 MPG's more than my SUV and is paid for so why not? Dead battery, broken window, new tires, flushed fuel system and hopefully nothing too much more. That's a grown up decision I made by myself but I got a little nudge to make it by a good friend and that brings me to the next observation I have this morning.
Friendships are important and good friends come in many forms. Sometimes they are the friends that tell you: 'We love you and we don't want you to be hurt so please be careful.' I appreciate and love those friends, so much. They have been there when I was a mess and I needed them most. They have held my hand when I cried for seven months and I understand why they are a little worried. Sometimes your friend is the boss who has known you for 12 years and who has seen the ups and downs of your personal struggles and has been there behind a closed door to listen when you needed to just blow off steam or whatever. Business is business and it comes first but I always try to keep my employees personal lives in mind and she does the same. Sometimes your friend is the mother who knows you best and loves you not because you are flawed but despite it. She loves you enough to remind you that you are going a little fast and be careful but you have her support and she just wants you to be happy. Sometimes friendship comes when you least expect it from someone who stretches you but in a good way. That person makes you look at things you always thought you knew in a different way and gives you a new way to think, not trying to change your mind but to open it. That person helps nudge you when you need nudging and even if that person drives you a little crazy and you drive that person a little crazy your life is so much better with them in it you don't really mind the crazy. That person may even be a republican and you're a democrat (or visa versa) and you don't care.
The biggest thing I realized about being a grown up is this: I am not going spend my life reliving my past. I will fix the stuff I can (the car) and throw away the rest. (The junk). Somewhere in that list of stuff I am throwing out is guilt over failed relationships, fear of repeating the same mistakes, and worry that any relationship I have in the future is going to end badly. I can't fix the past or control the future and right now the present has potential. I refuse to ruin the present because someone else screwed up the past. That's why all those someone elses are in the PAST for all of us, right?
I know, I haven't written a real blog in about 3 weeks so I throw this out there when nobody will read it! Good choice.
Happy Labor Day weekend!!!!
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