So long since I have done a fitness blog. That isn't really what this is. This is more about mental fitness, or lack there of.
I have mentioned before that I have suffered from compulsive eating/ bulimia for most of my life. I am bulimic. That will never go away.
This is so hard. I don't want to be this honest and share this. I hope that by sharing it will help me.
My relationship with food is so screwed up. I can't just eat. I become obsessed about calories and eating and working out. I was reading today that up to 67% of all people who suffer Eating Disorders suffer from some form of OCD. It makes sense. Instead of getting a nice clean house, I get a fixation that had me purging sometimes 4 times a day. (I would rather have a super clean house.)
I went to my doctor today and she said you look great and then took one look at my face and said, "what's wrong?" (She has been my doctor for 14 years. She knows me.) I said 'I am so frustrated! I keep losing and gaining and losing the same 5 lbs for two months. Do you have a pill that will let me lose 20lbs by Tuesday?' She shook her head and said, "are you taking your migraine medication?" I confess, I haven't. I am supposed to take a very high dose of Topamax. I have been off my meds for about 7 months. (I get cluster migraines and the clusters I have suffered have been relatively minor, for me.) She proceeded to remind me the side benefit of this medication is an anxiety/mood stabilizer. I don't sleep well because I get nervous & anxious. I fidget with my hands. I tend to become a little hyper. Needless to say, I am back on my meds.
The meds won't give me a normal relationship with food. The meds can't take away the guilt I feel if I eat cake. The meds don't wash away the feelings of envy I have when someone says they are eating pizza. I love pizza. I rarely eat it. First off, it scares me. Pizza isn't something of which I can just eat one slice. The second reason I will spare you. The meds also can't keep me from feeling like a walking freak for having such a messed up emotional reaction to something that sustains life. They can't take away that nagging voice in my head that wishes I was anorexic instead.
I live this daily. It doesn't "go away". I know that nobody is normal. I know we all have our crosses to bear. Mine isn't better or worse, it is just.....mine. It makes me stronger when I don't give in to the negativity. I appreciate that but I still struggle with that voice inside that says I am broken, ugly, and unlovable.
I am going to leave you with some lyrics to a song that I love. I was talking with a friend and he reminded me that the last time he struggled I told him to go listen to this song from Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth"
But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me.
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story.
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.
My friend also reminded me that this is the way God made me and that I am beautiful in His eyes, even broken. I can do all things with Him. I forget that at times, I suppose we all do. I am not really broken, I just need to relax and stop worrying. It sounds so simple.