Saturday, June 23, 2012

Saturday Blog Standing Outside The Fire

I am going to admit that I adore Garth Brooks. No matter what mood I am in, I can count on Garth to have an answer for me. Maybe I just need to spend time with my Friends in Low Places. Maybe I need to remember that heartache is cured by the sea and go drink Two Pina Coladas. Mostly I find what I need most is to stop Standing Outside the Fire.

I know everyone doesn't like country. There is no accounting for taste.....or lack there of. I could have used a cure for heartache back in October when a certain baseball team blew a certain game with one strike..sigh. Yea, that was heartache.

This morning as I ran I listened to Standing Outside the Fire and I realized I did that, for a long time. I gave up and just survived. I didn't treat myself well. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't respect myself. I abused my body and stuffed my feelings with food. Because of that I became this enormous person.

That girl is gone forever. This is the woman I am now.

Not very pretty but I had just completed a 3 mile interval walk-run on a humid 90 degree Dallas morning. Summer is here DFW!
I realized not only am I stronger then others give me credit for being, I'm stronger then I give myself credit for.
My mother says I hold on too long. She is talking mostly about my dad. I carry a hole in my heart that is my father. I don't dwell on this. I don't think about him everyday. I don't cry about missing him all the time. It has been a long, long time. People ask me questions and I am that person that just doesn't bother lying. It is too hard. So I tell them about my father and they say things like 'I'm sorry. That must have been tough'. Yep. It sucks. Running makes me think more about him. My dad was a coach and he was awesome. Just like his little girl.
What I realized long ago was to honor my dad, I had to live my life. Then I stopped because a dumb boy a long time ago broke my heart. I shut down.
I swore I would never give my heart again to anyone who didn't deserve it. I haven't.

What will it do?

All of this has made me more determined to become the person I want to be physically. That means running. That means playing baseball like a girl. That means making a fool of myself infront of my friends and coworkers. That probably doesn't mean continuing with this on-line dating mess. At least, not on the site I have used. I'm just not sold on this and I don't have the time or energy to weed through all these men. (An aside here, if everyone on dating sites are athletic builds why are all the men I see when I walk out the door not? It is amazing really.) I am not kidding when I say it is stupid the number of men that contact me a day. I felt good for about 1 day then I just felt suffocated.

My friend Rachel (that's us below) says she likes to think her husband is out there wondering where she is. That's nice. I would like to think that too. My problem is, somehow I'm not convinced he isn't really out there thinking 'Thank God I am free and can sleep with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.'. That's just the kind of guy for me! Lol.

So the long and longer still of this is that I am going to work on becoming a better version of me and always remember that life is merely survived when you're standing outside the fire.

Now I am going to go lift some weights cause I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to learn to love what I see in the mirror. That's the end goal. Loving myself, just me.


posted from Bloggeroid

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