Monday, May 11, 2015

Weekend Round-Up, Final Destination time, coming to terms with terms

Weekend Thoughts: 
ON top of the world 
Friday we went to Sandy Lake Park where my step daughter was performing in a choir recital.  Her school won first place.  Congrats baby girl!

man this is a bad angle for my round face 
Hubs and I ran into Elvis on a stage coach because where else would Elvis hang out?
Scramble time 
This was me getting ready to ride. 

Somewhere in one of these cars is my family.  I made a decision recently to not post any photos of kids after the reality hit that I put my life on-line and I am realistically endangering my kiddo plus my family members under 18 whenever I post photos to my blog.  With that in mind, you may see the backs of kids heads but no longer will I post the faces.  I know most people who read blogs are not terrorist or child molesters but I am not willing to take the chance that one crazy is out there because one is all it takes.  I know I sound uber paranoid but there is a good justification behind the paranoia. 

So remember our chicks, they have sisters. 
We picked up 4 new ones
We picked up some new chicks Friday and are planning on picking up a few more.  Our babies that we picked up will have green or blue eggs.  This little yellow and white lady is my favorite.   Seriously, her name is Cinderella,  One of the grey-brown ones has an arrow on it's head so I am calling that one Katniss because my kiddo loves The Hunger Games and there is one that we decided has war paint markings so because I would not name it WP my husband suggested Winnie for WP.  
There is also Pocahontas the final little warrior bird.   I would show you a picture of my bigger chicks but I keep forgetting to take one.  They are getting so big!

Friday afternoon when we got home from the park and the feed store we finished the chicken coop, all except for me painting it.   I will post pictures when it is done.   

Rant time:
You know what my personal prediction for the downfall of this country is?   People who fail to take responsibility for their mistakes.  Friday afternoon I went to get the mail from my mailbox which is located in front of my home on an Farm To Market road.  The road is pretty well traveled for a country road and nobody goes the 45 MPH speed limit.   I actually hate getting mail because it is dangerous and I always stand there and wait for cars to pass before I go to the front of the box and get the mail because, even though my box is not on the road, people will hit me before they slow down.  So I retrieved my mail and started back the 20 some odd feet to my garage.  I no sooner asked my husband about a piece of mail in my hand than I heard a huge crash.   Someone had taken out the mailbox where I stood not 90 seconds before.   Someone went into oncoming traffic and into the yard across the street putting big ruts in the lawn before then crossing over into oncoming traffic again and pulling to the yard of a neighbor.   By the time my husband and I got to the front yard and started to check and see if said someone was injured, they took off.  They actually destroyed our under $20 mailbox and then fled because they have absolutely no sense of responsibility.   I was so angry.  My anger did not get better after talking with the police and finding out there was absolutely nothing they could do.   They simply don't have the ability to find this guy who we all decided was texting.  Now, if he had hit me, they would do something but since he caused only minor damage to the mailbox and the yard next door will eventually be okay, they can't do anything.   All weekend, for some stupid reason, I had this vision in my head that someone would come to the door and admit they were at fault and would apologize.   Did not happen because people are just stupid.  All I kept thinking about was the movie  Final Destination and how close I came to being road kill.  Guess my guardian angel worked overtime Friday night.  Maybe God has a reason?

Meanwhile, all day Sunday it rained.  My husband made me a nice mother's day dinner and thanked me for being such a good step-mom to his baby.  I was touched more by his thoughts although the dinner was really yummy.
Sunday morning, my house. 


I promised myself I was not going to spend a lot of time on this blog doing a poor me theme this year. I struggled for years with being single and I don't blog about my marriage because that belongs to us, but this, is my struggle and it is eating me up alive.  I can't help but think maybe talking about it will help someone else, although I don't really know how.

See, I have been struggling a lot lately with my place in life.  Coming to terms with my inability to have a child of my own.  The only thing I ever wanted, a child, since I was very little.  Coming to terms with my inability to give my husband another child, who let's be honest, doesn't actually want one at our age.  (My friends think I am nuts for wanting one when they are, in their early and Mid 40's thinking about sending everyone off to college and having free time.) I am coming to terms with not giving my step daughter a sibling, who again, she really doesn't want because she likes being an only kid, and feeling like my birth family doesn't respect or appreciate me because I don't have kids.
(This is true, by the way, not my imagination.  The grandkids are everything.  The world revolves around them.  My not being able to balance a single child to my siblings 6 is a failure).
  I know there is nothing I can do but the death of a dream which I wrote about here back in January, still hurts so darn much. I know there is no answer for why things work out this way.  I know my age won't change and my life surely can't really be pointless if I don't have someone who calls me 'Mom' but that is, frankly, where I am mentally right now.  I feel like I should have lived differently to make my life different now.  Even though I am totally blessed with my wonderful husband and great step-daughter who both love me like crazy.  It doesn't make it hurt less or fill the empty.  Anyway, I haven't been handling my pain well lately and it is so hard to find anyone who even begins to understand.   So instead of pouring my heart out in my blog and making everyone depressed or making people who are happy and excited and doing all their baby bump stuff feel guilty, I decided to take my future in my own hands and try and fix it.   We will see what happens.

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