Thursday, June 18, 2015

What Father's Day means to me

Yes, that's mini me sort of 

Obviously I found an app that I have been playing with called Pencil Sketch.  Truthfully, I could take the time to make over all these photos into sketches myself and I could do a really good job of it, probably much better than this app does, but why bother when the app does a reasonable job of it at the push of a button?  

So, for those not in the know, I am fast approaching my 45th year and close to 40 of those will have been without the man pictured holding me above.  He missed every major event in my life after I learned to ride a bike.  Daddy wasn't there for my first dance (my uncle filled in) or to teach me to drive (that was mom and my stepdad).  He missed my high school graduation and he wasn't there to kick my butt into staying in college. He wasn't there either time I bought a house and he missed my wedding.  He missed...well okay that's about it because I didn't have kids but my sibling has 4 so he missed the birth of his grand children.  

I am sure my life would have been very different if my father had lived but that isn't my reality.  I can't begin to imagine that life because that wasn't to be.  The truth is, for me, there isn't a day that I don't miss my dad.  I don't know how to explain this because it seems silly to say that I missed someone every single day for the last 40 years but the truth is, I have.   

Let me be clear, it isn't that I wake up with an ache in my heart.  The ache isn't in the forefront but it is always there, buried somewhere.  The tears flow about twice a year.  The pain doesn't really go away you just learn to live with it.  I don't know how to explain missing someone you only knew as a little girl.  Daddy never got to be human with faults.  He was always little girl perfect.  He has stayed that way even as I grew up.   Believe me, I know he wasn't perfect.  I have heard stories about how he forgot my mom's birthday or how he rode  his bike into a cloths line.   I realize he had faults but think back on how you viewed your dad at 5 and that was pretty much everything but cancer.  

So, for me personally, Father's Day is just another day to miss my dad.   However, I will try to make it special for my husband who is a pretty good dad in his own right.  I will reach out and wish my step-dad a Happy Father's Day because he tried the best he could to reach me.  I will be happy for all of you who have great relationships with your dad because you are blessed and very lucky.  I will also look up at the heavens and tell my Daddy that I love him, just like I have done every year for the last 39 years.  Because, I do. 

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