Saturday, January 12, 2013

Weekend Blog: Everything I know about marriage I learned from Divorce

I was watching The Adjustment Bureau today and I kept thinking about this quote:
You don’t have free-will, only the appearance of free-will.” It would just be so nice if there was a Hollywood writer who gave us all our own "Happily Ever After" wouldn't it?

As a single person sometimes we seem to think marriage is the end goal but I have a lot of married friends and I realize there is no happily ever after. So here is what I have learned about marriage from watching my married friends marry, divorce, and try to find peace after.

*Relationships don't magically become easier when you marry. The stuff that drove you crazy about him before will still drive you crazy. More. How he thinks he is always right even though you are, for example. How he never texts you back right away. How he leaves his cloths on the floor or never goes grocery shopping or fixes a meal for you or asks if you are ok or tells you that you are pretty. (Why would you marry that guy? Hello!) None of that is going to change. If he was a selfish jerk before you got married he will be a selfish jerk after. He is just harder to get rid of later.

*Marry someone you love not just someone you like a lot.
This seems obvious but one of my friends married her best friend. I knew it wouldn't work. I tried to talk her out of it. She didn't listen. They are divorced now, of course. There are no problems too big, no reasons so pressing, no complication or biological clocks or stresses so immediate that you should ever settle for marriage to someone you don't love. It is simply too hard to make a marriage work with love let alone without.

*Love is not enough.
I know people who actually love each other but have nothing in common. They manage for a time but eventually they grow apart because the things that matter to them are so different. I could be with someone who doesn't believe in my politics or sports teams or is not Catholic if I loved him but he has to believe in something I do. God first. I won't fight that battle. We have to at least agree on most things. No guns in the house is a deal breaker for me. I won't have it. It would be nice if he loves the Texas Rangers, Texas Longhorns, and Notre Dame but I could about 2 out of 3? Well, at least 1!

*Sex isn't everything but it matters.
Let's face it, we are all adults. If hitting it between the sheets isn't working you're going to have a problem! That is an integral part of a relationship. It is a physical connection and an emotional one, especially for women. For men, well men are unique when it comes to sex. I don't understand them. For me, as a woman, it is a closeness that you feel with someone. A bond that you share. It doesn't have to be, but for me, it just doesn't work otherwise and I doubt I am that different from most women.

*Money and kids can destroy a marriage.
Money problems equal stress. If one person mishandles the funds or there just isn't enough it can kill a relationship.
Kids are even a bigger problem. There has to be a common ground. Both parents have to agree on a certain way to raise them. One parent can't be the easy going push over while the other is the disciplinarian. There are no good cop-bad cop parents. It is a united front and it is best if you figure out at least how to fake it in front of the kids.

*You don't love everything about someone and you may actually not like them sometimes.
Nobody is perfect. Not even me. I say stupid things and make bad choices sometimes. That's life.

*You have to have fun together and communicate well.
What's the point in being partners if you can't enjoy just sitting and watching fire works on July 4th or him teasing you when you cry at a sappy movie or telling you that you are so dramatic or you never shut up. (I do, when I sleep) Laughing together is seriously important!

*You have to have fun apart.
There have to be times, not all the time but some, when you are with your besties without your spouse.

*Trust is huge.
When he is out with the boys you have to be able to trust he isn't going to kiss someone else and he has to know when you are out with the girls that you know who you are going home to, by choice!

*You are never going to fix him.
Whatever is wrong with him now won't go away. If he is a arrogant, selfish jerk now, he is going to always be that. If there isn't a sweet side, a loving side, if he doesn't sing off key to you or make you a crappy birthday cake you can laugh at once a year because he only puts his needs first by all means sister, find a guy that does!

*Finally, if you know he is worth the fight...fight. If he isn't or you aren't sure, give him some room. If he misses you, if he loves you, if he wants you no matter what the problems are he will fight with you. He will try to make it work. No problems are too big if it is right. If it isn't there are a thousand other guys just in Texas who might be.

All that from a silly movie quote. Wow, I really should come with a WARNING label!

<3 <3 <3

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1 comment:

Katie said...

All good points. I'll never understand why women marry men to fix-- it's not going to happen. And just recently, a colleague of mine got married. But none of expects it to last long because they don't seem like they like each other. Why do people do that?? You're just setting yourself up for misery.

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