Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Texas: How to be a "Real Texan"

I wasn't born in Texas but I have lived here most of my life so for those of you planning a visit or move this post is for you: How to be a Real Texan. 

We love God and Jesus.  A LOT! 

We don't talk funny, you do:
Y'all is a word. So is All Y'all so don't get them confused.   Things are over yonder and we don't drive people places we carry them.  
We also love guns but we don't all carry them. We probably all own them though so don't even think about trying to take them from us.  

Beef is king and that is what we mean by BBQ.  Pork is okay but don't call it BBQ. Also, we put rub on our BBQ. Sauce comes after along with pickle and onion slices and white bread.  That's how you eat BBQ. 

Tex-Mex isn't Mexican food but we love it.  The best places to eat are probably the holes in the wall unless you make it to Joe T Garcias in Ft. Worth.  

Speaking of Ft. Worth they are not Dallas.  Ft Worth is where the west begins.  They wear more boots and hats and you are much more likely to see the belt buckles there than Dallas. Whatever you do, don't tell people from Ft Worth that Dallas is better.  They will fight you. 

We probably all have been to a rodeo and it wasn't our first. 

We water our houses in Texas.  Not just our lawns our foundation.  It's pretty much mandatory in the summer because the soil is clay and if you don't you end up with fondation problems.  

We love our sports teams but hate yours.  The Cowboys are king in Texas but trust me when I say, you can't be a Texans fan too.  Also, you can't be a Mavs fan and a Spurs fan.  Nobody is a Rangers fan but likes the Astros.  When it comes to college football everyone hates the Longhorns but as a Longhorn I can tell you we only hate the Aggies and Sooners.  It is just how it is.  Don't argue with it and don't expect me to ever cheer for the Aggies even if they are playing Alabama.  For the record the best teams are the Cowboys, Mavericks,  Rangers, Stars, and Longhorns.   Don't fight me on this.  

Anything white is snow, even ice.  We don't get a lot of snow and while I know the difference, people here don't.  Even the news channels confuse ice with snow.  It's white, it's snow. 

Dr Pepper is king and that's what we drink in Texas unless there is good sweet tea around.  

Beer and margaritas are not all created equal and we take both very seriously.  The best Rita's are why you go to certain places. 

Chips and Salsa should be served at every eating establishment for free, always.  

We don't all have oil wells, but most us do have at least one pair of cowboy boots.  I have 4.  Some of us wear them with shorts.  Yes it looks stupid but we do it anyway.  As for cowboy hats, they are worn, mostly at country concerts but they are worn.  

Yellow lights mean speed up because the light is about to turn red.  If you stop, you may get rear ended.  

The left lane is the fast lane.  Don't get in it and drive slow or you may get rear ended. 

If you don't love Whataburger you are clearly not a real Texan and don't even try to say In N Out is better, just go back to California.  

We call everything Coke but we mean Dr Pepper.  If you order a Coke don't be surprised if someone asks you "What kind".  

There is only one brand of ice cream and that is Blue Bell.  We will eat it, hoard it,  and follow the trucks as they deliver it and no we don't care if it carries some microbes that can kill us.  It's Blue Bell and everyone has to die sometime.  

We love our trucks and we drive them everywhere.  Mine is orange but most are white or black.  

Hunting is a sport and while you don't have to hunt to live here you must respect the hunting ways and the gun. By the way, don't try to take the guns.  

If you go to the lakes without a fishing pole there is something wrong with you.  Jet skis are for city people.  We catch dinner here.  

Camo isn't a fashion statement it is a life style.  Everything comes in camo including hats for our favorite sports teams.  

Houston isn't close to Dallas and nothing is close to El Paso except Mexico.  Each city has it's own vibe and we all think ours is better,  but Dallas is better.  

If you are in Austin you must go to Threadgills and Chuy's.  They are just better in Austin.  Also, Austin is weird and they are proud of it.  "Keep Austin Weird" isn't just a saying it's a way of life.  

Speaking of Austin, they like to run and ride bikes down there.  They also love music. You are much more likely to run into a hippie there than anywhere in 1969.  Some of those folks are even vegetarians and they are proud of it.  

San Antonio isn't like other Texas towns. It's a culture all of it's own.   Know that and you will be fine.  

Also, never forget the Alamo.  People died there so Texans could be free.  This is a special place so treat it that way. 

Blue Bonnets: you look at them, you take photos of them,  you take photos in your wedding dress along I35 in Dallas with them but you do not pick them.  

The State Fair of Texas is about tradition, spiritual awakening and a lot of fried food.  Every year school children get a day off known as "Fair Day" and they get free tickets to the fair where they meet up with Big Tex and partake of a multitude of fried items from Twinkies and Snickers to lobster.  Their parents meanwhile are probably enjoying bacon margaritas and yes, I have had one and it wasn't as odd as it sounds.  

If you speak English and Spanish you are way better off in Texas than people who only speak one.  

Finally, remember we were once our own country and if we don't like it anymore we will be one again.  

Seriously, Texas is a wonderful state and property is still fairly reasonable.  Although the California transplants are doing their best to screw that up.  You can experience everything from mountains and deserts to the ocean and forests.   The weather is mostly hot, damn hot, and hotter than hell between June and the end of October but you get used to it.     You probably never will meet an unfriendly Texan, if you smile back and appreciate their opinions,  they will put up with you even if you don't appreciate the fine culinary experience of Whataburger.   

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