I have made all my workout commitments to myself this week. I have challenged myself and made myself do things I never thought I would or could. I went for a fabulous 3 mile run/walk in the rain last Saturday. I have made 3 dance classes this week and a boot camp class that completely kicked my butt. I did an ab class & the elliptical. I even worked out with weights one night. I'm still not happy. I have worked out a dozen times in as many days and I feel like I haven't done enough. Yes, I hurt everywhere. Yes, I know I am obsessing. Yes, I should take a day off and I intend to force myself to do that this weekend but I am afraid to stop. My diet is always better when I work out.
A while back I was at Race Trac gas station and this guy started arguing with me about something stupid (Who got to the air machine first). In the middle of the argument he stopped and said this to me "You would be really pretty if you lost weight." Nine words from a perfect stranger who was obviously a jerk. Nine words that sums up my self esteem, or lack there of. Nine words that bring me to tears months later. Those words hold such a crazy amount of power over me. They shouldn't. I know this. If someone doesn't like me for who I am, inside, they don't deserve my time now or 6 months from now when I am even better. I get that. Still doesn't change how I feel about me today.
I am putting so much pressure on myself right now that it is actually backfiring. I know this. This isn't my first go around in this body or my head. I'm totally stressing about my weight and while I feel my body getting stronger, I feel my muscles developing, it just it isn't happening fast enough.
It had better be worth it! All this gym time. All the time spent logging my food and work outs into MyFitnessPal.Com. When I reach the end of the journey, I better be stronger. I better be fit. I better be satisfied with my body for once in my life.
(Isn't it funny how everything I type & every picture I add cancel each other out? This is the place I am right now. Diet Limbo which I decided to call Dimbo. It is a really difficult place to be but it is only temporary.)
Weight loss this week: 1 pound
Total lost: 61 pounds
At least, it is Friday. I think I need a drink this weekend!
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