Today's blog is going to be a little different. I'm not going to go over where I have been during the last week. Today I am going to take a look back at where I came from. This is a very difficult blog to share. If you are reading this it means I didn't chicken out.
You all know by now what I look like today. If you forgot I will share a photo from last weekend.
I still have a ways to go and about half of it is mental. I have a hard time looking at myself. Someone told me the other day I have body distortion. That is probably true. I take these pictures because my friends ask but they are hard for me because I see every flaw. I have been honest about my struggles with food. I have struggled with bulimia since I was 16 and compulsive eating which goes with it. (Bulimics are compulsive eaters who purge. When you quit purging you have a binge eater.)
So let me share a little about the friends in the picture and how/when I met them. Monica and our friend Rachel and I met originally on Twitter. They asked me twice to meet them at the Ballpark before I agreed. I was so worried they would see me and be disappointed that the first time they asked, I told them I didn't see the message. Truthfully, I turned my phone off. I never turn my phone off. In fact, my phone never leaves my side. How I ever lived without a Smart Phone, I do not know. So, you see how nervous I was to meet Rachel & Monica? I turned off my phone for the only time in the last year. Jerry I also met on Twitter. We met in person for the first time in February at a Stars game. Jerry and I had surgery at the same time so we were both bored and we started texting and eventually talking on the phone before we met. The day after we met Jerry called to tell me how nice it was to meet me and my friends. Guess what the first thing I said to him was? "I hope you're not too disappointed in me. I think I come off better on paper, or Twitter". Jerry, being the super nice guy he is, laughed a little and said he was actually thinking I am even better in person! This night in the picture was the first time I actually met his wife, Nancy.
So why is this blog hard? Well aside from the fact that I just shared my inner insecurities that I fight every time I meet new people, I am also sharing a picture that makes me so uncomfortable, sad, and ashamed. This is one of the only photos of me I saved from when I was at my heaviest. I saved this photo for two reasons. One is Elizabeth Taylor, my sweet friend who I lost a few years ago to cancer and who I love and miss dearly. The other reason is my friend Tammy who lives in Colorado and I don't get to see much. This was taken at Halloween about 5 years ago. The giant woman in the photo is me before I started losing weight 3 years ago.
I can't begin to tell you how close I come to tears having to face who I was. That person is gone but I carry that with me in so many ways. I debated a long time yesterday about doing this blog today. I talked with a few friends and they made me realize that I give that picture power over me if I don't face it. For me, fitness is the key and I have to workout at least 5 days a week to keep me solid. That girl in the picture was the ultimate couch potato. Keep moving and keep looking forward. That is all I can do.
Happy weekend gang. 1 week until Opening Day. It is Pudge Rodriguez day! #7!!!!!
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