Are my blogs too honest? Sometimes I feel like I tell too much about my real feelings on things. I don't know. I have always said, I write for me. I know sometimes people appreciate them. I don't always know if anyone really reads them. This one is totally for me...because this is what I need today.
Do you ever feel like you are not enough? Not smart enough? Not pretty enough? Not sexy enough? Definately not thin enough? Not good enough?
Who am I not enough for? My friends are always telling me I am awesome, beautiful, amazing, funny, smart, wonderful. So does that mean I am not enough for me?
I feel like at times, being enough is not enough. I feel like there will never be enough of me. Not enough to go around. Not enough to make it right. I can't fix everything. I can't fix anything. The truth is, I feel like I am in a rut. I haven't changed in a year. I haven't done anything new. I haven't tried anything new. I have met a bunch of new people lately. I have met one or two that could be really special in time.
Time. Time is something that I totally feel works against me now. When I was 20 I thought I would have forever to meet someone special and raise a family. When I was 30 I thought it was getting a little tight but I still had years and how hard can it be to meet someone nice? Harder than you think. Now, in my early 40's I feel like time has passed me by. My friends say 'Adopt'. Well, that isn't all that easy. You see, they tend to go over your medical history, finacial history, and whatever else there is with a fine tooth comb. I was in an eating disorder clinic under treatment for bulimia for 6 weeks when I was 19. Honestly, I still struggle with bulimia & compulsive eating. I have been on anti-depressants a few times in my life, including in the last year. I forgot to pay my stupid electric bill just a few weeks ago and lived without electricity for 4 days...because sometimes doing everything alone becomes overwhelming and I can't do it all and be all to everyone. My biggest issue however is this, I grew up without a father. I miss having my father in my life. If you follow me or you know me, you know that my father died. He didn't leave. He didn't abandon me. He died. He died when I was 5.
I don't know what I am waiting for anymore. Last year I was waiting for the man who I thought was
"The One" to agree with me. You see, that didn't happen. That's ok. It is probably for the best. I will love him, in a way, for the rest of my life. The same way I love Robb, in a way. When I say that it is good that he didn't agree with me, that we were meant to be, I mean that it is good because he is happy. At least, I think he is. I don't really talk to him much anymore. That is what is easy for me. I am terrified of running into him. To be honest, I don't even know if I can publish this blog because there is a chance, he still reads it. I don't want him to feel sorry for me or guilty. I don't actually think he will. He is a good person. The choice he has made in his life recently just proves to me that he is a good man. I doubt he sees it that way but I do. I know my friends think I give him way too much credit but I like to believe I actually know the real him. I thought he showed that person to me a few times in the last almost 2 years we have been communicating. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe the reality is...he just used me and I am too stupid to see it or admit it. I just don't know anymore what the truth is. In reality it doesn't matter because...whatever the truth is....for him, I just wasn't enough. This is the last time I will write about this in the blog. I just can't live this anymore. I wish you all the happiness in the world and you are always going to be special to me, whether or not I was actually special to you but I have to let you go. I have to move on because we can't be and you have another life now and it is time for me to have a better life. In the end, this isn't about him or his feelings for me. It is about me and my feelings for myself. It is time.
The truth is, at this point, I am only fighting myself. I am enough. I am more than enough for everyone else but myself. This is my journey and I have to own it. I can't compare myself to anyone else because they are on a different journey. I really do love who I am. I know that sounds crazy after all I have written but I do. I just get scared sometimes that what I want in this life isn't what I am going to end up with. I get afraid that living in this world isn't nearly as fun as a fantasy world. I get worried that I am going to end up the little old lady with all the regrets. That is why I decided to make some changes in my life. I am going to just say to heck with it. I am going to go all out and have fun. I am not going to worry about what anyone thinks. There won't be any defintion of who I am unless I am the one defining it. Look out world, you are about to see me.
And I will post this blog...because this is my story and someday when I have that son and daughter, I will be able to show them how very, very much they were wanted by Mommy.