There are so many things going through my head this morning. So many things are completely different from how they were a year ago and nothing is how I thought it would be. Nothing worked out like I thought/hoped it would in so many ways.
Ask Josh Hamilton what a difference a year makes. A year ago on this day he was coming off a near World Series victory. A year ago he owned the Ballpark. Today he is very likely the single most hated former Ranger great in club history. That's all on Josh but I have said my peace about him. This blog is about me. This is about being honest with myself.
I doubt I will move a mountain but I will ride them!
So much has changed. I am not sorry. A year ago I was no where near as strong as I am today. I was also a lot more hopeful than I am today. Life is a trade-off, I guess. The person I am today is better but the person I am today is probably a little more jaded. That's ok because I am too trusting and too giving as a rule. Ask any of my friends and they will probably tell you I would give them the world if it was mine to give. When I love someone, it takes a lot for me to abandon them. I don't quit on my friends.
Dr. Seuss knew me!
There isn't a lot I would change about the last year because I had to try and I had to be open to fail. I love my life but I really don't know if love exists anymore and I did last year.
Friday my mother asked me if I was seeing anyone new. I off-handedly responded "nobody special. Nobody wants me." My mom snapped back: "That's because you aren't looking. You quit trying." My mom is a education and psychology major. She is a counselor by profession so trying to pull one over on her usually doesn't work. I have given up. She is right. I am not prepared to open myself up to being hurt right now. I may never be prepared to open myself up to that again. That is NOBODIES fault. That is a choice I made. I wouldn't really do things differently today with the exception of two things. I will run the next time a man tells me I am special but he just doesn't know what he wants. We as woman tend to hear what we want and I heard him but I thought he was afraid. The other thing is about pride and self-respect. I will never let myself get so drunk that I forget who I am and cry in a bar. That's not me. I am strong. I have been through Hell from the time that I was 5 years old and I survived. I cry a lot but I survive. That was probably the worst night of my adult life. I made it that way and again that is my fault. I am taking responsibility for the things that I do wrong. I am accepting the present and understanding the past. I refuse to think about the future because tomorrow never comes.
So what have I learned? I have learned to believe in myself above any man. I have learned to believe in God above myself. I have learned that I have the most faithful, protective, wonderful friends in the world and even when they want to beat people up for me or unleash the wrath of well WRATH... they respect my choices and are amazingly supportive when I just need a hug or a shoulder or an ear. They tell me I am beautiful and amazing and awesome. They love me back. I wouldn't trade that for all the dumb boys on the planet earth or even the right one at the wrong time.
I really do believe in love. Love never fails.
It changes, it grows, it becomes stronger.
I love you all for reading this. This one was hard but I needed it.
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