Growing up when people asked me what I wanted to be, the answer was a mommy. I never thought I wouldn't have kids. Not a day in my life until the last 4 months.
Not having kids was not a decision I made it was a decision made for me by the circumstances of my life.
Not having kids will be my biggest regret until the day I die.
I don't understand God's reasons and I don't understand how some people who clearly should never have children are blessed with them and throw them away while people like me exist. I have always felt I was born to be a mommy. Maybe I am wrong. I have to trust that God does know best in these things. I have always believed God gives you the children you are suppose to have.
Accepting that I am suppose to have no children is the biggest struggle of my life. Honestly, everything I have fought through, losing my father, bulimia, compulsive eating, depression. None of it hurts the way not having children hurts.
I have thought of adopting but I don't know how fair that would be to a child. I'm 43 and unmarried. I don't know the future but I feel like kids need two parents.
Facing the fact that you are just too old to safely get pregnant and feeling like your whole life is a waste is hard to overcome. Sometimes I cry for the child I will never have. I cry for the baby I wanted so badly and will never be. The pain can be overwhelming at times.
I am sorry this is such a beating of a blog but it is my reality. I watch people who have kids and I am envious. I wanted that so much and saying goodbye is a mourning process I can't explain.
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