Friday, January 3, 2014

The Biggest Decision I never made





Growing up when people asked me what I wanted to be, the answer was a mommy. I never thought I wouldn't have kids. Not a day in my life until the last 4 months.

Not having kids was not a decision I made it was a decision made for me by the circumstances of my life.

Not having kids will be my biggest regret until the day I die.

I don't understand God's reasons and I don't understand how some people who clearly should never have children are blessed with them and throw them away while people like me exist. I have always felt I was born to be a mommy. Maybe I am wrong. I have to trust that God does know best in these things. I have always believed God gives you the children you are suppose to have.

Accepting that I am suppose to have no children is the biggest struggle of my life. Honestly, everything I have fought through, losing my father, bulimia, compulsive eating, depression. None of it hurts the way not having children hurts.

I have thought of adopting but I don't know how fair that would be to a child. I'm 43 and unmarried. I don't know the future but I feel like kids need two parents.

Facing the fact that you are just too old to safely get pregnant and feeling like your whole life is a waste is hard to overcome. Sometimes I cry for the child I will never have. I cry for the baby I wanted so badly and will never be. The pain can be overwhelming at times.

I am sorry this is such a beating of a blog but it is my reality. I watch people who have kids and I am envious. I wanted that so much and saying goodbye is a mourning process I can't explain.




Simply,
Laura
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

5 comments:

Katie said...

I'm so sorry, Laura. Praying for you to have some peace today.

Laura @Simply Me, The way I see it said...

Thank you more than I can say!

Raewyn @ Be A Warrior Queen said...

I'm so sorry :( I can't even know how that feels a little bit bur what I can do is send you all of my positive vibes and thoughts and hope - I hope that you get to be a mommy to someone, even if it is in an uncoventional way. You have a lot of love in that heart of yours!! ♡

Raewyn @ Be A Warrior Queen said...

I'm so sorry :( I can't even know how that feels a little bit bur what I can do is send you all of my positive vibes and thoughts and hope - I hope that you get to be a mommy to someone, even if it is in an uncoventional way. You have a lot of love in that heart of yours!! ♡

Laura @Simply Me, The way I see it said...

Thank you my friend. I'm trying to find my peace. It isn't easy.

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