Friday, March 15, 2013
Fabulous Friday: Enough Already!
I have been on a journey the last year and a half. It started in the fall of 2011 and it finally ends today.
That journey was recognizing what is important and what matters most is my feelings for myself. I suffer from that inadequate feeling that many women feel. The "I'm not pretty, thin, smart, thin, sexy, thin, hot, thin, confident, thin....enough" syndrome. Tonight I realized what I am, is over this.
I have tried not to care and what I end up doing is getting mad at my family and my friends and feeling left. Feeling left is a big thing for me. It goes back to my dad, I am sure. The adult me knows he didn't chose to leave. The inner 5 year old will never stop feeling like I wasn't good enough to live for. This transfers into every relationship I have had with men I have cared about. My first love to my last. Actually, there are only two. I wasn't good enough for either. When I am honest with myself, I tried too hard and I was really far too good. Neither one of them did anything to actually deserve me. It was my lack of self respect that allowed me to be be that weak female I can't stand.
I am so much better and stronger. I know I am. I would never stand by and let anyone treat my friends the way I let myself be treated. I would never treat my friends the way I treat myself either.
I realized tonight that not only can I not fix the past but if I could change it, I doubt I would. I can love someone who doesn't love me but I can't love him enough to make him love me and I can't love myself if I let myself love him. Someone has to lose and in this case, he lost. He probably doesn't care right now. He may never care but I know with everything in me that he will never find anyone better because I am pretty much the best.
I am a good person and while I may not be perfect I am enough just as I am. I am pretty enough and smart enough and I am thin enough to be loved and to love.
No woman or man should ever feel like they have to change everything about themselves to find someone. Nobody should feel that they aren't enough just as they are. There is no other me and there is no other you! Stop comparing yourself to others.
I am unequivocally the best me there is and you are the best you. I can become stronger and I can work at being better but nobody can or ever will be me again and nobody will be you.
The truth is that I am pretty awesome and so are you. Look around you. Look at the people that love you. Are they honestly the best people you know? If the answer is yes, you have to be awesome because they picked you to be a friend, lover, or spouse.
When I hear that inner critic whispering how unlovable I am I tell myself something positive about myself. I may tell myself I have awesome hair or pretty eyes or that Rachel, Chance, Khrystal, Trish, and Alaina love me. I may remind myself that the people at work miss me when I am gone and go out of their way to pick on me because they love me. I may remind myself about the four little brats who call me Aunt and who think I am pretty cool. Whatever I tell myself, I remind myself there is nothing wrong with me.
Honestly I am pretty amazing. I am funny and silly and I can talk sports like a guy and put me on a bike and I may not be the fastest or most graceful rider but there isn't a lot I won't try because at this point, I am fearless and I don't care if I fall and yes I am crazy but it is the good kind of crazy, the fun kind and that's ok!
What I am saying is that when you get to that point where you are tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of being sad or depressed and you have had enough, you have to look in the mirror at you and realize there is nobody God loves more and nobody God thinks is more perfect than you. He will give you everything if you ask and believe and He will heal that broken heart. It may not happen today but it will get better every single day until finally you look into your own eyes and say, "No more tears. God never makes mistakes and you aren't going to be His first, so buck up Buttercup!"
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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